He knows now

A couple of days ago I wrote MD doesn't know I'm a nutbag yet, yet being the operative word.

He knows now.

I had a complete fucking meltdown at the bar last night. I don't really know what happened. It's been an emotional week. (What week isn't?)

On Tuesday I was talking to my coworker Hands about a position that opened in our division. The problem is I'd still have to report to Nun, my sleazy boss above Tennis. I'm not sure exactly when my opinion of him changed, but in the year since Nun's become my boss it's gone from inspired, hopeful, and excited to disappointed, unimpressed, and nauseated. It turns out he's a political salesman without much cred.

Apparently he has opinions about me, too. Hands told me Nun said that I'm extremely smart and could run the company one day if it wasn't for my bad attitude. I was stunned. I asked Hands to elaborate. Nun said I don't have the drive or interest to put me ahead.

There are three things that really bother me about this. One, GO FUCK YOURSELF. It is completely unprofessional to talk about your employees in a negative light. Two, he has never once mentioned this to me nor has Tennis. I already knew they were horrible managers, but really? What were they going to do, wait for my review to tell me this? Assholes. Three, he's right.

I don't care about Minnow. The first year and a half I was happy taking classes at SVA. The next year I was happy working on Oracle and a warehouse project, despite the drama with Tennis. The past six months I've been unhappy. I am not inspired to do anything, except keep my head down until 5pm. This is completely out of character for me. I love to learn and be involved, so I know there's definitely something wrong.

I guess that something is me. I could change my attitude. I could probably advance if I shoved my nose up Nun's ass like his managers do. That's not me, though. I don't do shit for appearances or fake the funk. He's got that covered. Once again I find myself in the same position I'm always in, paying for not playing the game.

I'm pretty upset about this. On the one hand I'm upset that I haven't made Minnow work out. I'm standing in my own way again. I could succeed there if I just sucked it up and pretended I wanted to be part of Nun's little clique. The problem is I'm not a good actress. Oh and I'm stubborn as fuck. I believe your work and ideas should matter more than who you have lunch with, end of story.

On the other hand I'm upset because I haven't left yet. If I don't care to succeed at Minnow, why am I still there? I want to feel good about where I work and what I do. I just haven't figured out what do next yet.

So Tuesday kind of sucked. I have my pdiddy this week, so it made everything feel worse. I feel so lost. I don't know what I'm doing, where I'm going, nada. I'm on this loop of work, home, bar, work, home, bar and I don't even like the work part.

Home is weird lately, too. I'm having the stove fears again and that on top of bedbug paranoia makes me not even want to come home some nights. I realized tonight these are symptoms of a bigger problem: I don't feel safe or secure. Why? Because I don't know where I am. I don't feel in control either. Why? Because I don't know where I'm headed...

which leads into last night. I left work at 2pm for the holiday (okay, I guess Minnow isn't THAT bad), ran some errands, and got to Crazy Ass at 5:30pm. I only had maybe four beers, but the owner kept giving me shots. I was TANKED. At one point I texted MD to come to the bar because I missed him. Cute, right? Well for some reason I decided he should have responded right away. I totally beer teared out when I didn't hear from him for two hours. Two whole hours! I'm so fucking stupid. I was so upset that I decided to leave, but then he walked in while I was walking out. I took one look at him and started bawling. I completely lost my shit. The poor guy had no clue there was a disaster waiting for him. Unfortunately I don't remember much of what I said. All I know is I told him I liked him so much that I didn't know what to do with myself. It's the same theme as I wrote above: without a label defining our relationship I feel lost, insecure, and out of control.

Or maybe I don't even need a label. I just need him to talk. He's stepped it up so much lately that I felt like we were on the path to commitment, but the mo still hasn't verbalized any of his feelings about me or us so there was no reassurance or guarantee. Last night I lost my patience. I knew it would happen, but I had no idea I was going to explode. It was all my fault.

This afternoon I left him a message apologizing for my antics. He returned my call, so I guess that's a good sign. Luckily he's going out of town for a few days. The break is probably for the best.

I'm so disappointed in myself for freaking out, but I just want answers to something right now. Our relationship is in his hands, so it would be nice to know where he wants to take it. The stress of uncertainty in all areas of my life is clearly getting to me. It would be nice to have something sorted out.

Crap. He knows I'm a nutbag now.