Wednesday, April 11

Pleasure vs. Pain

I feel worse about MDLL now than I did when we officially broke up.  We agreed to not contact each other at all until he files.  Yes, that's the way it should have been the last three weeks, but it wasn't.  Neither of us really want to be broken up, so all it takes is for me to ask and we're back together.

I've gone through a zillion different thoughts and emotions about it.  Do I love him, do I not love him, is he the one, am I the one, will he still want to be with me once his divorce is final, will his divorce ever be final, do I want to be with someone who is a thinker and not a doer, what do I value most in a relationship, what happens if he dies tomorrow and we're wasting time being apart...I can keep going.  I probably will in a future post.

My decision to stop drinking is not only to prevent me from contacting MDLL, but also to make me feel the pain of being without him.  Bacon wrote yesterday she's confused as to why I work so hard at getting healthy, bettering myself, and being kind to people, yet haven't tried to make these breakups constructive.  I realize now it's pain avoidance.

The pain of being sick makes me want to be healthy.

The pain of feeling depressed makes me fight to find the happiness within.

The pain I experience when I see hate, disrespect, and ignorance makes me want to be loving, kind, educated, and open-minded.

The problem with MDLL is I haven't truly felt pain when we are together.  It's only when we're apart that I want to shoot myself.  While he has hurt and disappointed me, the pleasure of loving him and enjoying the good times outweighs the pain of the bad.

How do I retrain myself to believe this breakup is pleasurable?  Or if not pleasurable, at least favorable and beneficial to our relationship in the long term?  Logically I know it is; he needs to get divorced so we can stop fucking dealing with it and move on.  My heart isn't there yet though...and it hurts.

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