Fuckin' 4B

I'm so annoyed. Did I ever mention that my neighbors spend every waking moment in their bathroom? Seriously, one of them is in there at any given moment. I think they get paid to run water.

My first super was this guy named Joe. I don't know what nationality he was, let's just say Russian because he looked like he drank a fifth of vodka just to get out of bed in the morning. Joe was a very nice yet lazy super. He always kept the building clean, but wasn't great on fixing things in the apartment. After awhile I gave up asking him to do stuff and started fixing shit on my own. I'm pretty handy when it comes to the small stuff.

The one thing I did need Joe to fix was my damn tub. I guess I lived here for about a year when it first happened. I woke up to a loud gurgle; it sort of sounded like the river of slime in Ghostbusters 2. I looked in the bathroom and there was thick brown gunk coming up from my drain. I swear to Shiz I thought someone's toilet backwashed into my tub. I nearly barfed. Luckily my parents came up that day; when my dad saw the mess he assured me it was drainage gunk not poopage gunk. Phew.

The plumber didn't come for three days. I was so pissed. Thankfully I still had my Crunch membership so I used their shower before work in the morning. Oy. Now that I think of it, that was the last day I stepped foot into a gym. Whoops.

I remember the day the tub was supposed to be fixed. I was psyched to be able to shower again (it's the little things in life), but once I saw my bathroom I flipped. The tub was drained but filthy. Somehow my sink got involved and all of my products underneath were covered in gunk. And the best part, there was a big gaping hole was in my wall. The plumber had to knock out six tiles and my soap dish. Awesome.

I complained for weeks, but Joe didn't respond. Since my shower was working, I covered the hole with poster board and gave up. Two months later I found out Joe was diagnosed with cancer. Two months after that he passed away. It was such a shame, he really was a nice guy. I no longer cared about my bathroom. This was early 2006. The hole is still there.

About a year after Joe died, my tub acted up again. It turned out 4B's plumbing was the issue. They apparently needed all new pipes. I found this out early one morning when I heard a sledgehammer knocking through their bathroom walls.

I was afraid to come home that night. I had no idea what to expect and even if I did, I don't think I would have expected what actually happened. My bathroom walls were still up (thank god), but the impact of the sledgehammer caused my medicine cabinet to shift a few inches and empty out. My sink, shower curtain, towels, and part of the floor were covered with paint from four broken nailpolish bottles. All shades of red and brown. It was a bitch to clean.

Naturally I flipped out again. I could hear Female 4B in the bathroom (where else would she be), so I ripped down the poster board and went to stick my head through the wall Shining-style. All I wanted to do was yell and scare the shit out of her. I did NOT want to see a 50 year old Italian woman naked exiting the shower. But I did. From the waist down.

Needless to say, I scared the shit out of her. I yelled, but it wasn't the angry "my bathroom's a mess because of you" it was "oh my god I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm so sorry." Whoops again.

I haven't seen the woman since, but hot damn she is still in that bathroom all fucking day. In fact I can hear her right now. Yep, I'm home at noon on a Monday. Know why I'm home? 4B has once again caused my tub to blow up. I woke up to this, but with six more inches of water:



It started draining itself about an hour ago.  The landlord, plumber, and new super (the one who fixed my kitchen sink a few weeks ago) were just here. They said 4B is all fixed now so I shouldn't have any problems.  I fucking hope not!  Who wants to take a day off waiting to get their tub fixed?? I'd rather go on a day trip or something, not sit in my apartment which, no offense to Delilah, has smelled like a wet turd all day.

So there ya have it.  My Monday.  Fuckin' 4B!  WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS IN THE BATHROOM?