Broken record
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Racing thoughts suck. My new trick? I think of one word over and over again. It leaves just enough room in my mind for only two more thoughts:
What the fuck am I doing with my life? and I am insane.
I haven't been posting much lately because I feel like a broken record (and I'm afraid to use Maczine, she's way out of my league). Where am I going? When will I get there? Who will be waiting? What shoes should I wear? Blah blah blah.
A scene in the movie Fight Club has been on loop in my head for over a year now. It's the one where Tyler grabs the clerk out of a convenient store, puts a gun to his head and says:
“Raymond, you’re going to die.” He looks through the man’s wallet, “An expired community college I.D. What’ja study Raymond?”
“Stuff…”
“Stuff? Were the midterms hard?” He smacks him on the head with the barrel of the gun, “I asked you what you studied!”
“Biology, mostly,” the man cries.
“Why?”
“I don’t know.”
“What did you want to be, Raymond K. Hassel?”
“Veterinarian, veterinarian…”
“Animals! That means you’ve got to get more schooling.”
“Too much school.”
“Would you rather be dead?”
“No, please…”
“I’m keeping your license. I’m gonna check in on you. I know where you live. If you’re not on your way to becoming a veterinarian in six weeks, you’re going to be dead. Run on.”
“Raymond, you’re going to die.” He looks through the man’s wallet, “An expired community college I.D. What’ja study Raymond?”
“Stuff…”
“Stuff? Were the midterms hard?” He smacks him on the head with the barrel of the gun, “I asked you what you studied!”
“Biology, mostly,” the man cries.
“Why?”
“I don’t know.”
“What did you want to be, Raymond K. Hassel?”
“Veterinarian, veterinarian…”
“Animals! That means you’ve got to get more schooling.”
“Too much school.”
“Would you rather be dead?”
“No, please…”
“I’m keeping your license. I’m gonna check in on you. I know where you live. If you’re not on your way to becoming a veterinarian in six weeks, you’re going to be dead. Run on.”
Universe before I begin, please note I DO NOT WANT TO BE HELD UP AT GUNPOINT. EVER. Thank you.
What would I say if I was Raymond? Would I say anything? Would I whimper "I don't know" over and over? Would I say, "Fuck you and shoot me muthafucka?"
Is my fear of knowing myself, knowing my purpose stronger than my fear of death?? Or am I of course over-thinking this, that I'd simply rather live my life not knowing my full potential just as long as I have plenty of time to watch The Hills?
Interesting. And by "interesting" I mean "Shut the fuck up already you whiny bitch!"
Jupiter Jupiter Jupiter Jupiter Jupiter
1 comment:
Aw, you should have asked me to show you some things on her so you wouldn't be so afraid! ;-)
But don't be! Just go nuts on 'er! She can take it, I promis you! :)
And I wouldn't know what the fuck to say to Tyler either...I want to be famous? ;-) haha
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