Tuesday, May 27

Train of Thought

I'm pretty buzzed right now. Champagne buzzed. I think champagne is the Special K of alcohol: I like being in a hole yet I can't wait to get out of it.

Not sure what I really want to write about tonight so here are a few thoughts that were floating in my fizzy-lifting-drink head on the subway ride home.

1. Wants vs. Needs

I want love. I want love so bad that I tear up every time I think about it.

I definitely want the standard "You complete me" kind of love, but I also want the "I love you so much I want to rip my skin off" slash "My heart is so filled with love for you that I can't stop burping" kinds as well (of course the latter is probably related to the champagne but whatevs). The thing is though, do I really need it??

At what point does a want become a need? I'm obviously a big Wanter: I want love, I want to lose 30 pounds, I want to get out of debt, I want to start a new career. Obviously I don't actually NEED any of these things; I've been living a pretty good life without getting them. Is this the reason why I haven't achieved these goals yet?

I guess this sort of ties back to my Fight Club post. Do I need to be held up at gunpoint and/or hit rock bottom in order to move forward??

2. And what is rock bottom for me anyway?

I have amazing friends, a great apartment, a healthier relationship with my family, a good job. I'm assuming that rock bottom would be losing all of these things, which my four hang-ups above (love, weight, debt, and career) don't really affect (thank god). So I really have nothing to lose from NOT achieving these goals, right?

3. RIGHT????

Well to be blunt I'm 30, single, flabby, in debt, and am scared shitless to create...

4. So maybe it's not about what I have to lose, it's about what could be gained.

And there you have it. Even with my active imagination "could be" means nothing to me. I'm a here and now kind of woman. I love now, I fuck now, I eat now, I spend now, I well, I'm still not sure what I do career-wise now, but you get the picture. "Now" is the only time I've acted on my whole life, which (now that I'm thinking about this) is probably the reason why I spend so much time reflecting on "The Past."

5. Interesting. If I moved from "Now" to "Could Be" would I really care about "The Was?" By the time the future became now I'd have a solid plan, so I wouldn't need to spend so much time and energy on reevaluating the past, right? Hmmm...

Maybe this is why Spaceballs is my favorite movie. It's so insightful...

Dark Helmet: "When will then be now?"

Colonel Sanders: "Soon."

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