Tuesday, November 20

Stage Guilt

MDLL and I spoke last night as a sober follow-up to my drunken call on Sunday.  It went fine, although now I feel incredibly guilty.

I know, I know...there's nothing to feel guilty about it.  I did the best I could.  I just feel bad that it wasn't enough.

I told MDLL how I feared a lifetime of kicking-and-screaming battles with him.  Moving in together, getting married, having a kid, raising the kid.  I can't shake the idea he would have called off our wedding or worse, left me at the altar.  This is horrible.

There's nothing MDLL specifically did to warrant this notion.  He is a good, caring, sensitive man with a lot of love to give.  The problem with our relationship was the things he didn't or couldn't do, which is move forward not only with me, but in general.

It hurt him to hear this. It hurts me I wasn't able to help him with whatever he's going through.  But, that's the problem too.  This whole time I've assumed he's "going through" something.  What if he's not going through anything?  What if this has always been MDLL?  Was I trying to "save" someone who never needed to be saved?  It's all so confusing. 

I love love LOVE MDLL and I absolutely want the best for him.  I hate hurting him, I hate he hurt me, and I hate we had to break-up.  I hate how I wouldn't give up on him, yet I'm very proud I tried too.  It crossed my mind I Costanza-ed him into falling for me...

"I'm like a commercial jingle. First it's a little irritating. Then you hear it a few times. You're humming it in the shower. By the third date, it's 'Buy Mennen!'"

...except it took him seven months to "Buy Thighs!"

Christ, why the fuck is this so hard??  Hanging out, having fun, and loving each other was SUPER easy, but once our baggage was out in the open it was stuck on the conveyor.

I must be in the denial stage too because I can't believe we're done.  I can't believe I'm single again.  I am not looking forward to going through this with someone else, which is exactly what MDLL must be feeling when he thinks of getting remarried.

I decided I am going to be boy-free for a while.  I need some breathing room. 

Just breathe.

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