I'm fine, I'm not, I'm fine, I'm not.
I made the mistake of being planless this weekend. Thankfully Noon was free Friday night and Stevie, Hugs, and Jarv were around yesterday. When I was by myself, I felt lonelier than I ever have before. I cried a lot. Big soul cries. It felt good to let it out, except when I was crying on the subway and people were looking at me. Nothing to see here, folks.
MDLL has been on my mind and in my heart for the last two years. It's weird not having him in either place now or at least not admitting to myself he's still there. I feel him missing. It's like wearing a hat all day, then taking it off but still feeling like it's on.
I got wasted with the girls last night and called him. We spoke for 40 minutes and I have no recollection of what was said. When I sobered up at 4am in the morning I screamed NOOOOOOO! once I remembered the call. I immediately texted him an apology. I'm such an asshole.
Juniper said I shouldn't feel badly about it. She's right, of course. Plenty of people drunk call their exes. I just can't make it a habit.
I'm not sure I miss him. I probably do, but again, just pretending I don't. I do miss having someone to love and think about, though.
**WARNING! Overly dramatic statement alert**
My life feels so empty now.
EEEEE-EEERRRR-EEEEEE-EEEERRRR (How do you write out a siren noise?)
Sorry, I have to be a drama queen for a second.
EMPTY, MY LIFE IS EMPTY! I HATE YOU MDLL YOU ARE THE WORST I CAN'T BELIEVE I LOVED YOU. NOW I HAVE NOTHING AND YOU ARE A SHITHEAD AND YOU PROBABLY ALREADY GOT LAID THIS WEEKEND BECAUSE I FIND YOU VERY ATTRACTIVE ESPECIALLY SINCE YOU GREW A BEARD AND OTHER WOMEN THINK YOU ARE HOT. THIS IS NOT HELPING ME FEEL BETTER BUT THE CAPS LOCK IS MAKING ME YELL IN MY HEAD AS I TYPE THIS AND IT IS FUN. MY UNCLE JOHN ALWAYS WRITES HIS FACEBOOK POSTS IN CAPS AND IT IS SO ANNOYING TO READ. I HOPE THIS IS NOT ANNOYING. EXCEPT I DO HOPE IT'S ANNOYING BECAUSE FUCK YOU WORLD. LIFE SUCKS.
Ha. I'm giggling. You guys, I need help. More help than weekly therapy and 100mgs of Zoloft, apparently. I also really need to find my inner "I've had too much" flag because I drank and ate myself (ew) into oblivion three times in the past week. At least when I drank beer I'd get full. Now that I only really drink vodka, I don't have any reason to stop. Oh, except for my life, liver, well-being, budget, calories, etc. Look at that, I have plenty of reasons to stop. Yay!
STOP FUCKING GETTING SO DRUNK THAT YOU CALL YOUR EX. HE IS A DICKCUNT FOR BEING A USELESS YET SEXY AND COMFORTING LAZYBALLS. I'D LIKE TO PUNCH HIM IN HIS FACE AND I WANT VISITATION RIGHTS TO CRAZY ASS BECAUSE IT WAS MY BAR BEFORE IT BECAME HIS LIVING ROOM.
I'm so angry and hungover. This is stupid. This post is stupid. Actually I like writing it though. I don't really want to stop writing, but I should do some work. I don't want to though. I'm only working today and tomorrow and it's super quiet at the office right now so I should just keep typing long run-on sentences and stop using a period to end them becasue why stop now and why are menstruation periods called periods anyways? I used a question mark.
Thanks, Google. I HATE MDLL. I WANT LOVE. I WANT A BOYFRIEND. I WANT TO HAVE A BABY.
Yes, I am baby crazy. I am so fucking scared to have one, though.
I really hope I meet someone awesome. Please, Shizza???