Monday, November 12

Lies, Love, and Now What

I have to be honest about something.  I lied to everyone - my family, friends, and Thighs readers - when I said MDLL processed his divorce back in June.  He met with his ex and filled everything out, then she was supposed to review it with another lawyer friend and submit it to the courthouse. She never did.

I lied to get everyone off my back. I'm not happy about it, but I didn't know how to separate my feelings from everyone else's judgments.  He promised me it wouldn't be long, so I thought a temporary lie to get some breathing room would be okay.  Obviously it didn't work out that way and as a result we broke up last week.

My parents will be crushed if they ever find out I lied. So why post about it?  To come clean to everyone else I guess, including myself.  I might tell them at some point, but I don't know what the value would be other than to clear my conscience.

So what happened?  It was around mid-September when I finally realized I was not okay with his bullshit.  He was planning our vacation and I said something along the lines of, "Please stop relying on your unreliable ex and get this shit done before we go away." He promised me it would be finished, so we could enjoy ourselves. Six weeks later, it wasn't done.

It was at Socks' wedding when I realized MDLL and I were never going to get married.  I was devastated. I AM devastated.  He loves and cares about me, but not enough to move forward or, at the very least, end the past.  I realize now if a guy wants something, he goes for it.  If he drags his feet, he doesn't really want it.  Thank you, Captain Obvious.

The day after the wedding we had a very hard discussion with a semi-break up.  The next day he pinched a nerve in his back and couldn't move, so I took care of him.  My stress seems to manifest itself physically in my gut, like I can't digest what I'm hearing.  His stress manifests itself into back pain, probably because he doesn't have a strong enough spine.  Ooooo...I didn't even know I was going to write that. How mean.

His mom and her boyfriend arrived two days later.  I hung out with them everyday like nothing was wrong.  I really did have a great time with her and was saddened I'll probably never see her again. Whenever his mom wasn't around, MDLL and I would cry and hug each other.  He finally told her we were breaking up on her last day. She said that's a shame because she never saw him this happy before and basically called him an asshole for fucking it all up.  He is one.

That day I also told my parents a variation of the truth.  As you well know (although you're probably not sure now), I HATE LIARS.  I hate passive-aggressive people. I hate beating around the bush.  I realize now the reason why I've been eating and drinking myself into oblivion since July is because I hate keeping secrets. I pride myself on being honest to a fault and I wasn't being true to myself or to the people closest to me.  I needed the space though. It was the only way I would see what was happening without the noise around me. 

I told my parents he submitted in it in June and had to wait 90 days before it processed. Once it was in for processing, the courthouse said something was wrong and it wasn't submitted, which meant we only found out the end of September.  Lies on top of lies.

The joke is, his ex FINALLY went to the courthouse on Friday the 19th, two days before we left for Puerto Rico.  There were two ways she could have submitted the information and for some reason she didn't take it upon herself to figure it out.  She called MDLL to do it instead.  The blind leading the fucking lazy with those two.

My parents were super upset and didn't want me to go to PR with him. My mom thought we'd be fighting the whole time and I'd be unsafe.  I always say MDLL and I don't fight, but we do, it's just not the type of fighting I grew up with.  MDLL and I were very good arguers by always being respectful and carefully choosing our words.  He and I both have a form of relationship PTSD since his ex was a rage-aholic like my mother.  When I told MDLL my mother's worries, he called my parents and assured them not only would we be safe, but he would file his divorce as soon as we got back.

You probably won't believe anything I say now, and I don't blame you, but Puerto Rico really was a nice time.  We put our heads in the warm sand, ignored our problems, and enjoyed each other.  We knew reality and a break-up was waiting for us when we got back, so we made the most of our trip.  Here are the pictures, if you're interested.  As my mom put it, you can see how happy we are together and how much love he has for me in his eyes.  It's a shame the kid is too paralyzed to do anything about it.

We got back from Puerto Rico on Friday the 26th, right before Sandy hit. I'll write about the storm another time. Luckily my neighborhood was fine.  MDLL's office was closed the whole week and he spent it at Crazy Ass rather than file his divorce.  I was LIVID.  We argued, he said he would take care of it the following week.  We went to the Steelers/Giants game, which I jokingly and ironically called The Break-Up Bowl.  Two days later we broke up.  This past Friday I got all of my shit from his apartment.  Yesterday I got bombed and sent a few hate-texts.  Today I'm okay.

So there you have it.  I'm sorry I lied.  I'm sorry I didn't know what else to do.  I'm not sorry I tried so hard with MDLL.  Thanks to him I now know I am an awesome girlfriend capable of loving and being loved.  I know I want a solid relationship with a man who is everything MDLL is plus proactive, interested in doing things other than drinking, and who makes the effort to keep me happy.  Oh and NOT MARRIED or shell-shocked from a previous relationship.

I don't know what's next for me, though.  I am very upset, but it's manageable as long as I don't think about the future I hoped we would have or the future I fear, ie continuing my track record of being a female version of Good Luck, Chuck. If MDLL marries the next girl he dates I might pursue being a Buddhist monk afterall.

Of course my other track record indicates I will most likely go back to MDLL within a couple of weeks.  Every time we've broken up I've said "This is different." or "Never again."  I'm not going to say any of that this time. Instead I'll repeat what my doctor said on Friday, "A challenging relationship will always be challenging."  Amen, sister. 

It has finally come to the point where I want to change MDLL.  I also want HIM to want to change. This is a recipe for further disaster. People never change. Our relationship will never change even if he does get a divorce.  I will be pulling him kicking and screaming the whole way and you know what? It just doesn't seem to be worth the effort anymore.  So sad.


Amy said...

I'm having a really difficult time in my relationship because my boyfriend will not change. He has a lot of baggage and although he's changed in the time we've been together, he still has a ways to go. I don't know if he'll ever get there and I'm getting to the point where I feel like I'm dragging him to where I want him to be. I need to make some big decisions and/or he needs to step up and be the man I think he can be. I hope I have the balls to be as brave as your are when the time (soon) comes :(

Sue-baru said...

Dude, apologizing for a lie when you really hope/think it will soon not be one is crazo. I'm pretty sure that this apology isn't the one that's needed.

As a friend, I hope this time is different. Not because I don't like MDLL, not because I like having single friends (OK ... maybe a little bit), but because frankly it's fucking gutting to watch you go through this month after month.

Him being a great guy and you deserving better are not mutually exclusive. He's not ready for what you want, and you deserve hella better than to wait and hope that he realizes what he's missing.