An explanation.

I didn't realize how much I disliked my job until the day after I wrote my Eye Deerunk post. I was completely shocked over how blunt I was about looking for a new gig. Only blogger shitheads write about stuff they could get fired for, which leads me to believe that I am in fact, a shithead.

The truth is I don't hate my job. I hate ME at my job. All of my favorite patterns are back.

I am the queen of questions. I enjoy knowing why we do something, where the data comes from, what is the purpose of the report I need to create, are we providing the reader with all the pertinent data they need to make a decision in a timely manner...the list goes on.

Pattern 1: I ask a question, no one knows the answer, I get frustrated.

I spent 8 hours last Friday doing data entry.

Pattern 2: I get paid well to do monkey work. A normal person would be happy by this. Me? I immediately jump to what this means on a larger scale. My assumption? Bad spending = mass layoffs.

I saw some ineffiencies and offered to work with IT to fix them. Two patterns come out of this:

Pattern 3: People are either uninterested or too busy to brainstorm and create a plan of action. I get frustrated because they don't seem to care that fixing it now will save time in the long run.

Pattern 4: The IT projects mean more to me than the job I was hired for, so I end up making a stupid mistake on my day to day reports. When I'm called out on it I get pissed off at myself for making the mistake. Then I get more pissy when I find out the mistake is on a report no one looks at (my boss said so). If no one looks at the report, then why are we even running it?? Guess what...frustrated.

I begin to feel like I have nothing to learn here and wonder if I should move on.

Pattern 5: I begin to feel like I have nothing to learn here and wonder if I should move on.

So what does this all mean?? It means I haven't learned a damn thing from my time at Company.

First of all, I still think I know best. I DON'T FUCKING KNOW EVERYTHING ASSFACE! (I'm talking to myself here.)

Second, I'm still getting frustrated over things that, at the end of the day, have absolutely nothing to do with me.

Third, as I try to work through my frustrations I tend to come off condescending and pushy.

And last, I feel like I'm not learning anything only because I'm not learning what I WANT to learn.

The real joke of this is that I took this position because I didn't want to care about any of this shit. I realize now that I don't know how NOT to care. I also don't know how to put my head down and do as I'm told either. And I want to be a freelancer one day?? Please, all I'll be doing is taking orders but it will be ten times worse because the orders will be to change something I actually created!

God damn it! I really don't know how to break any of these patterns and if I don't break them now, I'm just going to take them all with me to the next place.

Fuck me and my shithead self!