Friday, August 29

Fat Analyst

I am so sick of being a fat slob. It’s getting worse and worse. The scale isn’t moving, but everything else is. I can hula without a hoop.

Eating habits aside, I know if I just went back to the gym I’d be fine. My body responds really well to exercise, yet I refuse to do anything physical.

The truth is I’m scared shitless to try. I’m afraid to lose weight because I’m afraid of gaining it back again.

Four years ago I lost twenty-five pounds. In 2007 I put fifteen of them back on. Fifteen pounds in one year. Disgusting. I am a complete failure.

Here are my thoughts:

~ Why should I bother? It’s not like I’ll keep the weight off. I might as well be a miserable whale for the rest of my life.

~ I don’t want to spend money on a gym membership or on new clothes.

~ Say I lose weight. Will I live in fear of gaining it back for the rest of my life?

~ Say I lose weight and gain it right back. Will people judge me? Will people start calling my Carnie?

~ I don’t know if I have the mental or emotional strength needed to risk another failure. I am a delicate flower…a 180 pound delicate flower.

~ Why the fuck can’t I be positive about this? If I keep saying I’m going to fail, I really will fail!

~ What happens if I lose the weight and feel so fucking good about myself again that it NEVER comes back? Would feeling good about myself be so bad?

~ What happens if I lose weight and still hate my body?

~ I gained the weight back when the shit hit the fan at Company. How will I stop myself from emotionally eating the next time I’m under a lot of stress?

~ What happens if I lose weight and still can’t get a boyfriend? Being fat is a good excuse for being single. I think.

~ My parents are mean to me about my weight. They always have been. It’s worse when I yo-yo…do I want to even deal with their shit again?

~ I spent $350 on The Dress that doesn’t fit me anymore. It would be nice to wear it again.

~ It would also be nice to wear a bathing suit without shorts. I’ve never had nice legs; I have no idea what it feels like to have them.

~ Am I afraid to look good? Am I afraid of the attention I maybe, sorta, possibly would get?

~ Do I even WANT to lose weight or do I feel like I SHOULD lose weight? It’s like paying off my debt. I don’t really NEED to do either of those things. Why do I feel like I should? Because life will be better? I have an active imagination, and I can’t even fathom being thin and debt-free…

~ Is this my real problem, that I can’t visualize myself on the other side? I daydream of jet setting off to London for the weekend without regret and wearing a bikini without fear, but do I really believe these things could happen?

WAAHHH!! I hate everyone.


ctina said...

Have to say, I'm not that grossed out by your 15 lbs in one year. In college, I gained 20 lbs in 2 months. Yes, 2 months. But, what's past is way past.

I'm no expert, but I think of it this way. Weight's just a symptom. It's really not the point.

jenn said...

don't be down on yourself, lady. you're analyzing this way too much. you're just lazy like the rest of us and want to be thin without doing all the work. it's very optimistic, but also very lazy. we should form a club. haha!

booshadammn said...

Thanks for writing this ... I completely identify with a lot of it. Am I doing anything about it either? No. But, at some point I'll care again.