Friday, July 18

Good-bye Auntie D

Man I love summer Fridays...

I stopped taking Zoloft three weeks ago. I asked my doctor to wean me off it back in January and since my dosage wasn't all that high to begin with (50mgs) it didn't take very long to be done.

The scariest part about mental illness for me was not knowing what to believe. Imagine not being able to trust a thought or a feeling because you knew it would change one violent mood swing later. I'm not sure when anticipating mood swings became a means to survive them, but like all bad habits, I kept doing it when it was no longer necessary. At that point it became a self-fulfilling prophecy; the stress of waiting for a mood swing to hit inevitably caused one to occur. It was a vicious cycle, one that I couldn't fix because I wasn't aware I was doing it. Until now of course.

This is why I will always be a therapy pom-pom. Therapy makes you aware. With awareness comes understanding; with understanding comes acceptance. If you are open to it, therapy will save your life. It did mine.

Back in 2005, the only thing I was aware of was that I couldn't stop crying. I cried every day for a year and a half. I didn't know why, nor did I know if I could stop. The tears finally ended when I went to counseling and on medication.

I am forever grateful to Shizza for helping me find Cee. We had an instant connection. Even when I stopped going to her back in November I still felt she was in my life, helping me find my way.

Did I ever explain why I stopped going to therapy? A big reason was because I left Company. It's not like Company was the cause of all my problems; I just knew that staying in therapy during that time would be like pouring salt into a wound. I needed to recoup, rejuvenate, and reassure myself I can go it alone. Obviously this was a great decision; I feel stronger and more aware than ever before.

It was also nice to know that I can always go back to therapy if I needed. In fact, I saw Cee last night. Therapy Thursdays are back in session, at least for July. Life is grand (pinky swear), it's just that well, the ironic part to all this is now that I'm off the Zoloft I went back to crying again.

The day after I stopped taking my meds, the tears started. I don't cry as much as I used to, but I am quick to tear up. And you know what? I love it. I'm not afraid to cry anymore! I am happy to say that I trust my feelings enough now to know that if I need to cry, I should cry. I am a sensitive person; crying helps cleanse my soul.

And the best part...this time around I know WHY I'm crying. I'm crying because I'm blessed, I'm grateful, I'm hopeful, I'm happy, I'm frustrated, I'm agitated, I'm annoyed, I'm confused, I'm everything. I'm crying because I cry, end of story.

So after two years, I am happy and proud to say good-bye Auntie D. She was there when I needed her, but that time has passed. Tears or no tears, there isn't a cure for being me.

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