Saturday, September 6

Rainy Rooftops

I was just out on my roof in the rain. I thought it would be a cleansing experience. It wasn't. I got really anxious and scared. I'm not quite sure what happened.

When I got up to the roof I immediately felt insecure, as if all of my neighbors were looking out their windows, judging me for being up there in the rain. I hung back by the side of the stairwell so that no one would notice me.

I realized how dumb I was being and walked over to the rear wall just above my bedroom. Everything was fine until I got scared lightning would hit the antennae a few feet away, I would be electrocuted, and all of my neighbors would say told you so. Of course I'd already be dead and wouldn't actually hear them say this, but it bothered me anyway.

I walked back over to the stairwell to catch my bearings. "What am I doing?? Why am I so friggin' tense??" I had no clue. I forced myself to go back to the wall for a second, took a deep breath, and meditated.

Nothing. I couldn't get in at all.

This was ten minutes ago. I'm still feeling lost. I don't know why it was so jarring. I've gone up on my roof a lot this summer, so I'm definitely not afraid of heights. It's impossible to fall off because the walls are at least 4 feet high. There didn't seem to be anyone around, and really, who cares if there was?

Huh...I think I got something...

Right before I went on my roof, I was dancing in my living room with my iPod on. I didn't realize it was raining until I noticed my window sill was soaked. I closed all of my windows and thought, "Wouldn't it be nice to cool down in the rain? I should go up on my roof." Without hesitation I peed, threw on a shirt (I was in a sports bra), grabbed a towel, and ran upstairs. This took maybe 2 minutes.

That's it! Going on the roof didn't freak me was the impulsiveness!

I am ridiculously impulsive. From shopping sprees, trips, haircuts, what I say, what I do, it's all on impulse. I used to be really bad, but I'm definitely calming down with age.

I went outside in a thunderstorm one night during college. I was standing in the driveway at the back of the house, rain pouring down on me. I started to spin around a bit and then for no apparent reason ripped off my shirt and bra and kept spinning. I was spinning half-naked in the rain. It was pretty awesome.

I have no idea if anyone saw me that night, but I didn't care. It's interesting to me that I felt so insecure today, considering I put a shirt ON to go outside. Maybe that's what this was all about: finding the balance between being a responsible, mature adult while still being the carefree wild-child of my youth.

Is there such a thing as being responsibly impulsive? If I plan to eventually do something on a whim, is it really on a whim? I'll have to think about this some more. I guess that rain really was cleansing...

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