Before I begin, I'm okay now.
I haven't been feeling well for the past few months. I'm lost, I'm sad, I'm crying every day again. I have zero motivation to post, write, color, hang out, go to the gym, clean the apartment, hell do anything except watch television.
This started around mid-September. I thought facing my financial problems was the sole reason for the extra anxiety, but I know the pain goes much deeper. I feel scared, hopeless, stressed, negative, disillusioned, over-sensitive, and most of all, depressed.
And then it hit me!! Depressed?? I feel depressed?? Of course I feel depressed! I HAVE DEPRESSION!
As dumb as this may sound, I totally forgot that I am clinically depressed. I also forgot that I only stopped taking Zoloft in July so it would make sense that my depression would "come back" after the medication left my system.
I figured this out on Monday. The next day I had a ten hour panic attack. It was horrible.
For me, having a panic attack feels like I'm waiting to die. It's an intense mix of despair, disconnect, and anguish. I sat at my desk hoping that I'd fall asleep and never wake up.
I'm not sure what triggered the panic attack, but I know what fed it. All I kept thinking was, "FUCK. Now I have to go back on Zoloft." This scared me more than dying. Why? Because I don't want to need it. I wish I could be fucking normal and not have to take medication to think or deal or function. I wish my mind wasn't my own worst enemy.
The battle between Me and I continues.