Saturday, December 6

The battle continues...

Before I begin, I'm okay now.

I haven't been feeling well for the past few months.  I'm lost, I'm sad, I'm crying every day again. I have zero motivation to post, write, color, hang out, go to the gym, clean the apartment, hell do anything except watch television. 

This started around mid-September.  I thought facing my financial problems was the sole reason for the extra anxiety, but I know the pain goes much deeper.  I feel scared, hopeless, stressed, negative, disillusioned, over-sensitive, and most of all, depressed.

And then it hit me!!  Depressed??  I feel depressed??  Of course I feel depressed!  I HAVE DEPRESSION!

As dumb as this may sound, I totally forgot that I am clinically depressed.  I also forgot that I only stopped taking Zoloft in July so it would make sense that my depression would "come back" after the medication left my system.

I figured this out on Monday.  The next day I had a ten hour panic attack.  It was horrible.

For me, having a panic attack feels like I'm waiting to die.  It's an intense mix of despair, disconnect, and anguish.  I sat at my desk hoping that I'd fall asleep and never wake up. 

I'm not sure what triggered the panic attack, but I know what fed it.  All I kept thinking was, "FUCK.  Now I have to go back on Zoloft."  This scared me more than dying.  Why?  Because I don't want to need it.  I wish I could be fucking normal and not have to take medication to think or deal or function.  I wish my mind wasn't my own worst enemy.

The battle between Me and I continues.

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