Tuesday, July 5

You're a fiiirework...

I like Katy Perry.

I am in a weird mood this morning. It feels like my acid trip ended a couple of hours ago and I'm in the limbo state between coming back to reality and passing out. Maybe that's a better description for my "absent fogness". I'm at work, but it doesn't feel like I'm really sitting here. This is the last place I want to be. I, like most people, would prefer never to have to work again. I might have kids just so I can be a stay at home mom. Isn't that nice? It's like being a teacher solely for summer vacations.

I know somewhere inside I'm really going to like this job. My position requires drive, initiative, creativity, and smarts. I have those things, so I don't get why I'm not off and running yet. I guess I'm just exhausted from this year. I could really, REALLY use a vacation. A week where I don't have to work, don't have doctor appointments, don't think about MDLL, and can drink/eat anything I want. You know, have my old life back.

MDLL. I barely slept Friday night. Every time I woke up I thought about him. Saturday I was an exhausted and cry-y waste. I went to Bacon's for a bit to relax and mourn, then went to my parents' house. My cousin's 4th of July party was Sunday, so I figured it would be good to head down to NJ early. I really needed to get out of Astoria.

The family party was okay. I felt like a whiny hypochondriac broken record recounting my health woes of this year. All I wanted to do was talk about and cry over MDLL. Yesterday Juniper and I went to a BBQ at a local pub. I was okay for the most part, but I did cry a couple of times. Remind me not to break up with someone when I'm PMSing.

What am I crying about? One, I wish he would fight for me. I wish he would show up at my door with flowers and say, "I need you. Let's make this work." Two, I'm feeling guilty and worried. He already went through one major split last year, now he has to deal with our mini-one. I don't want to hurt him any more than he already is...then again I'm not even sure he is hurting. I really just want to take care of him and make sure he feels loved, secure, and safe. Me? I'll be fine. I'm sad and I'll miss him, but I'll survive. I know single well.

So there's my weekend. It was what it was. I didn't feel up to heading over to the west side to see the Macy's fireworks on the Hudson (bastards!) again this year. I was pleasantly surprised to find I could see a lot of it from my roof, though!! Half of the flower bursts were obstructed, but I didn't mind. It was actually pretty cool to watch them against the skyline. There were plenty of illegal ones set off in the neighborhood, too.

Blah. Work. You can tell I'm getting a lot done right now, huh? What the fuck is my problem? I know about seven people who lost their jobs in the past two weeks. Why doesn't this make me feel grateful to have one? Why doesn't it scare the shit out of me and pump up my old super work ethic? Man, I am not myself this year. All I want to do is sleep. Hopefully it will get better once the Zoloft kicks in.

One plus this morning, I saw three cute redheads today. Three!! I felt like I was walking down The Gingerbrick Road.

A redhead a day keeps the depression away...

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