Good Bad Good Bad Bood Gad

Yesterday ended up being a great work day. I felt awesome and got a TON done. Yay for focusing and being a good employee!!

By the time I got home I felt pretty crappy again. It wasn't as bad as Wednesday, but it wasn't good either. My hips and legs were killing me and the absent fog was back. I really don't have any other way to describe it other than I'm here, but not here.

I still made it out to see the fireworks at Astoria Park, though. I LOVE FIREWORKS!! They made me happy. Seeing MDLL made me sad. I knew it might be one of the last nights I'd see him for a while, then he showed up smashed. It was weird.

Today I woke up with a little nausea and pains. I forced myself to cook eggs because I knew if I didn't use my stove immediately after the gas leak I wouldn't use it for months. I felt better after I ate, then out of it again. It's so annoying.

Continuing the up and downness of it all I felt pretty good this afternoon. I saw Super 8 with Juniper and Bacon. It was Super GR8!! (I must be the millionth person to make that comment!) We went to the bar for a bit and after a glass and a half of seltzer water my stomach started acting up again. Really? Seltzer? I can't win!!

I came home and made the dreaded phone call. I broke up with MDLL for real. After all of this time he finally told me everything I wanted to hear: he cares about me, I'm very special to him, and he thinks of me as his girlfriend. I cried. A lot. IT SUCKED SUCKS IS SUCKING. I love him. I really, really do. I just don't think we should be together right now. I hate feeling this way, but I can't ignore it.

I'm in duality, per usual. Fuckin' Pisces. On the one hand, we both need to sort out some shit before we can move forward. On the other, I'm afraid I'm throwing away my taco lobster. If MDLL was more vocal about his feelings and made a bit more effort, we would have been perfect. I don't know if that means he's not my taco lobster or what. I guess only time will tell.

So there ya have it. Good, bad, good, bad.

Huh. Now that I wrote that, maybe the idea of good and bad days is stupid. It's all just lifing, right?