Saturday, May 5

There is no right. There is no wrong.

My mom is freaking out about me going on a solo vacation.  I've known this because she hasn't said a word about it.  FYI, when extremely talkative people don't mention something, it's because they don't agree with your point of view. Surprise!

Yesterday she finally emailed me asking if she can join.  "This trip is making me uneasy." "I'll leave you alone...I'll watch all of your stuff when you swim in the ocean...I won't even talk to you."

My mom is retired, so a lot of her time is spent worrying about Rippie and I.  It's annoying, which is ironic because it bothers me because I'M worried about HER stress levels.  Stupid.

We talk every morning on my way into work.  It started when I got sick last year and we've both grown to like it.  Unfortunately, if I don't call at my usual time she'll frantically call me, "Are you okay? Are you testing me? Why haven't you called?"  Yikes.

When I read her email about Florida I flipped out.  My knee-jerk reactionary email was something like this:

"Absolutely not.  I am 34 years old, begrudgingly single because you made me feel like shit about MDLL, and a consultant, which means you better get used to me traveling alone.

You wanted a strong, independent daughter.  Well you got one, so stop stressing and cut the cord.  I like our daily phone calls, but if talking this much is making you codependent we will need to take a break."

A few minutes later I wrote:

"Sorry, I shouldn't have responded right away."

What I really was sorry about was mentioning MDLL.  It's partly true, though.  While I absolutely blame him for dragging his feet on the divorce, my family added what I feel was unnecessary judgmental and hurtful stress to the situation.

They don't see it like this, though.  This was reiterated by the screaming match my mom and I had a couple of hours ago. Somehow this trip became about her, MDLL, and my life choices:

"Who in their right mind, male or female, travels alone in this day and age?"

"Maybe it's my fault you have such low self-esteem and stayed with MDLL for so long."

"You should print out your email and bring it to your therapist, see what she says."

She was yelling all of these things, so I started yelling back.  She hung up at some point, but my dad was still on, so I started yelling at him.  I told them to fuck off and thanks for nothing. It was a lovely old-school McGee Family screamfest that ended with me crying in bed for an hour.

I'm trying to retrain myself to believe there is no right or wrong when it comes to opinions and choices. It's really hard, but I feel like it helps me manage my reactions and expectations.

My mom is not right or wrong.  She loves me and is worried about my safety on this trip and my future with MDLL. Or any guy, really.  My mom has not found ways to manage her stress and anxiety.  She married young and is unable to relate to my lifestyle.

I am not right or wrong. I love my mom. I still have trouble calming down when she riles up the ragesnake. I love MDLL.  I am able to measure our relationship based on our shared intimate experiences, not on his drawn-out separation.  I know others can't do this, nor do they have to.  I do wish my mom would be supportive instead of hurt my feelings, though.

Deep breath.  I will not let this ruin my trip.

There is no right. There is no wrong.  There is only understanding.

1 comment:

Sue-baru said...

I slightly love this. It's so tough to realize family can be caring, but at the same time they can be wrong as fuck.