Thursday, May 10


This was a wacky week.  It's FINALLY Thursday and now I have massive vacationhead. Yay!  Things:

Tonight is the wake for my great aunt.   I'm bummed out by death right now.  It's a silly way to describe how I feel, but really, what else can you say?  Dying's a bummer to the living.

Work is boring.  All I do is coordinate issue resolutions and update lists.  I really don't know why the client is still paying for me to be here at this point, but I ain't complaining!  My boss said we have some good prospects for new clients, so I'm sure things will pick up soon.

I'm in a bit of a body image funk, probably because this is the first time I'm going on a real beach vacation.  Last year all I could focus on was getting healthy, so body issues were the furthest thing from my mind.  Then one day I woke up 30 pounds lighter and had to get used to a new body I wasn't mentally prepared to live in yet.  I've since gained 10 pounds and I feel it.  At 165, I'm still the lightest I've ever been in my adult life, however I'm not in shape.  I haven't been in years.  I don't understand why I won't work out...

I love to bike ride, do activities (so many activities!), and practice yoga.  I cancelled my NYSC membership because I never go, plus gyms seem so claustrophobic and mechanical to me now.  I like the outdoors and the space in a proper yoga studio.

So it's not like I'm completely inactive, it's just getting fit still isn't a priority to me.  In some ways I feel worse than I did at my heaviest (192) because I'm more in tune with my body now.  Sober, too.

I joked about being the chubby pale woman on the beach, but truthfully I'm insecure about it.  I'd much rather be naked then in a bathing suit!  I guess it's because in my mind Miamians are tan, exotic looking size twoers.  Ha! Actually my other impression of Floridians is toothless backwoods rednecks, so maybe the Miamians won't be so bad.

I have yet to train for the 10K which is exactly 30 days away.  I'll still do it because I love the energy, but it's doubtful I'll run much.  Then again last time I barely trained and I managed to finish in 78 minutes. 

I'm in my thirties now...why the hell am I acting like an insecure teenager??  I've had so much fun in this body, why stress about it's imperfections?  I should embrace what I've accomplished with it.  That being said, if I want to be healthy and fit, I need to work on it.

I don't think it's laziness with me.  It's rebellion.  I don't want to HAVE TO workout, so why should I?  The pleasure of rebelling outweighs the pain of having the legs of a 60 year old chunker, which I do, thanks to my see-through skin.  Spider veins!

Oh fuck it.  This vacation is for me to relax, have fun, and get away from it all.  "All" includes my hang ups and negativity.  So shut up, Thighs, have fun, and ENJOY!

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