Thar she blows.

I am a fat whale. 

Okay, no I'm not, but that's how I feel today.  Stupid pdiddy bloatedness.

I'm struggling with my body lately.  Last year I dropped the weight effortlessly, only because I was too scared to eat.  I had no idea I was only consuming 800 calories a day.  I knew I would eventually gain some weight back once I went off the yeast-free diet (which is WAY harder than going gluten-free), but I didn't think I'd get fat again!

Yesterday I weighed 166.  This is the lowest I've been sine 2005, not counting last summer's accidental anorexia.  The thing is, I FEEL it.  I feel every single pound I've gained.  I attribute this to my heightened awareness of my body, which is an amazing gift when I feel good.  Now, not so much.

This is nothing new.  I've struggled with my weight for years, wrote about it for years, whined about it for years.  I've lost and gained over and over again.  There is a difference this time around, though.  I'm exploring it as I type, so bear with me.  Stream of consciousness, GO!

i don't understand why i feel so fat righ tnow i've always been over weight but after last year it's just so upsetting to me to have body issues and the same OLD feeling of hating how i look. didn't i learn anything from last year??? life is short, good health both mental and physical is important, love myself, know thyself, as it is in heaven.  don't give me my daily bread becuase I will be glutened! Gah!! what the fuck Thighs??? you can't eat flour, beer, pasta, cupcakes, all the fattening food. what the fuck are you eating.  I will tell you.  Yesterday:

iced coffee with milk
Fage greek yogurt 2%
gluten-free Kind bar
apple
grilled chicken with mixed grilled vegetables
banana
3 rice cakes and carrots with most of a container of Sabre hummus
a bag of M&Ms

M&Ms are the new Peppermint Patties.  UGH.  I just need to work out. That's all I've ever needed!!  Get up off your lazy fat arse and move goddamn it.  Stupid idiot moron.  YOU KNOW HOW TO LOSE WEIGHT.  Why the fuck do we have to be on our "deathbed" in order to get our health in order??  Lately I've been wanting to punch fat people in the face.  Seriously!!  Who the fuck do I think I am!??!  When I see fatties walking down the street with their big gulps and limps and boulder cheek asses I want to beat them and say "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?!? YOU'RE KILLING YOURSELF!" Same goes for smokers! I smoked and I loved it and it's FUCKING STUPID.  Every time a porker eats McDonald's and a smoker puffs a cig they are telling themselves they want to die. But what am I doing??  POT KETTLE BLACK, MUCH?  I may not be obese, but I'm not healthy.  My carrot, hummus, rice cake dinner is fucking stupid!  GAH! DUMB BITCH!  I hate weight, I hate clothes, I hate people who like working out only because I wish I was them.  I hate skinny-fat girls, I hate fat-fat girls, and I will always hate racists and litterers.  I'm literally and figuratively sizing up everyone I walk by because I am uncomfortable in my own skin.  And Thighs history has shown that chances of doing something about it are slim to none.  See what I did there? Fuck you!

Ahhhhh...

Sorry folks, that's how I think.  At least that's how I used to think, one big run-onish sentence.  Auntie D has helped slow the thoughts down, but ladytime sends me back into a classic Thighs nutso.

The dumb part about this is I AM active.  In the past week I've jogged twice, did zumba, went fencing (which is a suprisingly good workout), exercising throughout the day ie squats, lunges, situps, and ONE pushup/plank.  I wanted to run this morning, but slept in so I'm going to walk the 4 miles home from work.  I'll be working out all weekend, too. 

So I AM doing things, I just wish I didn't look in the mirror and feel guilty, ugly, and whaley.

I like getting my period because that means I'm not preggers, but man, some months it sure does make me hate myself.  JERK RAG!