Shoe-gasm

I am a shopaholic. While I don't buy as much crap as I used to, I still end up buying new shoes and clothes at the change of each season. It's an addiction; I just can't help it.*

I'm in love. I'm in love with a pair of shoes. I have never been this excited over footwear in my life. I sort of remember digging these navy blue velcro sneakers when I was around three. They had traffic light patches on the sides and rubber traffic light soles. Needless to say, they were kickass.

The shoes I bought today...oh my word! This picture does not do them justice. I am obsessed!!!

Here are my thoughts when I tried them on. And yes, I'm fully aware I'm going to hell.

Oh my GOD I love these shoes!! Should I get the 7.5 or the 8? I'll get the oh my GOD they are going to look so good with jeans too. I bet Mother Jugs will like these too. She'll probably say she's obsessed with them. I'M obsessed with them. Holy crap I can't wait to show her; I'm totally texting her a picture right now.

[Take picture.]

DUDE. Why do my fucking calves look like sausages?? These shoes are so fucking awesome.

[Talk to salesperson. Make her laugh by being retarded over shoes.]

Oh my GOD I want to make out with these shoes. I would seriously have sex with these shoes if...if...oh GOD I'm horny. UGH. I wonder how many women have banged their favorite shoes. Didn't a Zeppelin groupie fuck a fish once? I really have to stop watching VH1. Am I that flexible? I can sit Indian style, it's sort of the same thing...I don't think the toes would really bend though...NO NO NO! I am not fucking a pair of shoes!! JESUS!

[Ask salesperson her name so I can make sure she gets the commission. Thank her for helping me find my soulmate(s). She laughs again.]

IlovemyshoesIlovemyshoesIlovemyshoesIlovemyshoesIlovemyshoesIlovemyshoes

[Pay for shoes. Walk home with a big cheesy smile on my face.]

IlovemyshoesIlovemyshoesIlovemyshoes. Someone's definitely fucked a shoe before, but I'm sure they weren't actually wearing them at the time. Oh puppy!! You're so cute!! IlovemyshoesIlovemyshoesIlovemyshoes...



*Yes I can.