Saturday, April 5

A delayed reaction.

Yesterday was a very upsetting day at Minnow. A woman in my department, one of B's direct reports, passed away. I was never formally introduced to her, so while I am not mourning her loss directly I am sympathetic to all of my co-workers' grief...especially of course my best friend's.

As soon as I heard the news I went on auto-pilot. All I cared about was making sure B would be okay, but really, what does "okay" even mean in a situation like this? Okay for me is certainly not okay for her, so since my gauge for okay-ness is based on my own personal definition of okay, how and when will I know she is actually okay??

Listening is the correct answer. I will always be there to listen, but in my emotionally ruled world, isn't enough. For me, "enough" means empathizing to the point of hysteria.

I had a delayed reaction to the news. It didn't hit me until mid-morning; I've been trying to pick up the pieces of Me ever since.

My reaction to tragedy? My heart caves in, my whole world crashes down. I'm a self-absorbed masochist. The minute I feel bad for someone else, I immediately turn the negative feelings on to my own life issues. I'd like to believe there is some sort of honor in this, that somewhere in my subconscious I think if I suffer hard enough they won't have to, but I doubt it. Maybe I am just that controlling and selfish.

I hate watching the news, I hate seeing commercials with starving children or abused animals, and I hate when a homeless person looks me in the eye. And why?? Do I seriously believe I hate it because my heart is too fucking big?? Jesus Christ. Pathetic.

Doubly pathetic is what personal issue I decided to harp on all day. It was Completely Retarded And Pointless...let's call it CRAP for short.

I have been crying all day about friends, life, death, and CRAP. CRAP is always easy to obsess over. I am a master at it. The proof is in the blog, people.

I haven't been this upset in a long time.

You know what? I'm done. The number of "I's" in this post is making me sick.

1 comment:

Eduardo said...