Seriously, B&N?

I was in Barnes and Noble yesterday looking for Imagine: How Creativity Works by Jonah Lehrer.  I didn't know what section it would be in, so I looked it up on the B&N website, then asked an employee because it wasn't listed.

When I went to the counter I was taken aback by the price, $26.00 plus tax.  Having worked in publishing for ten years, I knew this was in the normal hardcover price range.  I couldn't put my finger on why it bothered me, though.

Later I went to look up something on my phone and saw this:

I guess the online cost didn't register when I was at the actual register. The price for the same book was TEN DOLLARS less on their own website.

I understand shopping online almost always saves you money, but that is ridiculous. I thought I was doing a good deed by giving their brick and mortar some business.  While I don't read as much as I used to, I do enjoy going to a bookstore.  In fact, I don't really like shopping online at all, but now that I pay attention to my spending habits, there's no way I can give up going the cheaper route.

Seriously, B&N?  I'm so disappointed.

Fartnugget and morons

I can't stop laughing at my last post.  I am such a nerd.  I love my sweet fartnugget and he loves me. GET OVER IT, THIGHS.

This week is MUCH better than the past two.  I've been exercising, meditating, and therapying with Cee.  Yay for good health!

Did I mention I had a gluten attack in Vegas?  It was only for a few hours.  Stupid orzo got me again. Why does it have to look like rice!?!?  It was annoying, yet comforting in a weird way.  At least I know I still have a problem!  MDLL's Guinness looked mighty tasty to me last night.  It was the first time I debated risking it in a while, but I won't.  It's not worth it.

Tomorrow night I'm heading down to Jackson for my dad's birthday. Rippie came home for it! I'm excited to hang with the fam for a few days.  I love those morons.

Life is good!

Dr@m@t!c

Back to my regularly scheduled self-involvement...

I am dramatic.  I always knew this, but it really hit home last week. Case in point, I am bored with MDLL now that the elephant in the room is gone. I AM THE WORST.

We hang out, we have fun, we have great talks, we have amazing sex, and we love each other.  Rinse and repeat. BORING.  Where's the excitement?  Where's the fight?  Where are the tears, the heartache, the knots in my stomach? 

I told MDLL how I felt last night.  He laughed and said, "I can get married again if you want."  Nicely done, sir. 

This is the first time in my life I am in a happy, healthy, stress-free relationship.  There's always some sort of drama within my family or friends, so I honestly do not know what to do with myself right now.  It's almost like a phantom limb - I can feel the old drama, but there's nothing actually there. I sort of miss it.  Do I break up with him? Do I punch him in the face?  He's already bald, so I can't shave his head in his sleep.  Should I shave my head in my sleep?  WHAT DO SANE COUPLES DO AT THIS JUNCTURE??

Interestingly enough, I am in the middle of a rough spot with someone else. I don't consider it drama, just something that happens to friends after a while.  Naturally I chose to meet it head on rather than let it run its course, which is my way for most things in life.  Am I confrontational because I am dramatic?  Vice versa?  Can you be one without the other?

I learned so much about myself the past two weeks because of the shift in these two relationships.  It's eye-opening, exciting, sad, and overwhelming.  I love delving into myself to find my truths, to know who I really am, but I need a way to do this without involving others.  The problem is, I don't think it's possible.  Who am I without You and our shared experiences?  Who am I without Your opinion of me?  Who are any of Us without each Other?  What is the meaning of anything and everything!?!?! GAH!

Drama!!

Bad things

There was an episode of CSI a while ago where someone was killed in a movie theater. That was the first time it occurred to me how vulnerable a person is while engrossed in a film. Engrossed in anything, really, but the noise and darkness contributes to how easily one can be attacked.

I forgot all about this until last Friday, for obvious reasons.  My heart goes out to all of the victims and their families.  It saddens me that people like the shooter exist in this world.  The scariest part to me is he doesn't seem to be insane, abused, or any other "good" reason for being a murderer.  It appears he did this because he could. 

I'm not completely sure what I want to say about all of this yet.  I'm exploring it as I type, so please bear with me:

1. I hope he gets life in prison.

2. I hope the victims and their families are given proper grief and PTSD counseling.

3. I am embarrassed to admit this, but when I first heard about the shooter I was hoping he was white.  If he was black or hispanic, there's no doubt in my mind we would have a race war on our hands, especially during this election year. The idea terrifies me.

4. I am extremely disappointed in the comments I am reading on Facebook and elsewhere.  Everyone has opinions.  I get and respect this.  What I don't get is why everyone thinks they are being attacked.  The people in the theater were attacked, not you.  If you want to have an intelligent discussion about your stance on gun control then be respectful and LISTEN. 

I do not understand guns nor the need to own them. I live in New York City and I feel safe without one, so I don't get why anyone else in the country needs to carry.  Who exactly is threatening your safety?  Let's say I did have a gun and someone broke into my apartment.  Would I be capable of killing them?  Do I WANT to be capable of killing them?  I hope I never have to find out.

My stance - you want to own a gun go ahead, but you should have sufficient training and a psychological evaluation before it's in your posession.  Once you receive a license and the gun is registered, your information should stored in some sort of weapons database (an idea I read this morning).  Big brother, my ass. If you have nothing to hide, you should have no problem with logging your arsenal.

5. This is nothing new...the media absolutely sucks. Keep the guy out of the press and keep the cameras out of the courtroom for once.  Don't sensationalize this schmuck. This is why I refuse to write his name.  He doesn't deserve the attention.  HE BETTER NOT GET A BOOK DEAL EITHER.

The end.

Rent or Own?

I overheard a woman and man talking about renting out apartments.  It sounded like the woman was a landlord, saying she'd move to the front apartment and charge $1200 a month for the basement apartment.  After listening some more I made the assumption they were brother and sister or at least related. I also thought they were older than me by their thick New York accents and knowledge of real estate.

I turned to look at them on my way out. The guy was probably in his mid-20s.  I couldn't tell about the woman. She could have been early 30s.  Why does age matter?  One of things they said was, "yada yada yada...he's such a loser, he doesn't even own anything."

When did renting make a person a loser?

Furball and I recently discussed this in regards to our parents.  It seems to me their generation's measure of success was a steady job, marriage, kids, own a home, a car, and maybe an inground pool.  I guess you could say it's the same nowadays too, but for me, single and living in NYC, it is not.  To me, a truly successful person is happy and inspires others to by happy.  That's it.

Two things struck me as odd about their conversation and estimated age range.  One, if they do own buildings around Astoria, wouldn't they have gotten some sort of financial help at their age?  Yes it's quite possible they were better with money than I am.  An old friend bought a condo in NJ around 27, but that's not an apartment building in the city.  Two, isn't that a rather outdated way of thinking especially in NYC and considering the tumultous economy?  Obviously owning has it's benefits, but if you can't afford everything that comes with owning, why bother?

I'm not angered by their opinion at all, I just found it interesting.  I'm not sure if I'll ever own an apartment or home.  I can't imagine leaving NYC, but if I have kids I might want to for better school systems.  I would love a backyard, even if it's just big enough for a grill and garden.  My parents have owned their home in Jackson for 26 years. They plan on renting in Brooklyn when they move, so that they don't have to deal with keeping up the property.  Seems smart to me, but then again...

I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me...

Low Love Rider

As predicted, the low came after last week's amazing high.  Self-fulfilling prophecy? Maybe. Probably. I don't know.

I'm nearing the end of it, which is a relief.  I should get my pdiddy today, so that will help. I BETTER GET IT. Gah!

The past few days I had a glimpse into mine and MDLL's future.  We have such a loving, affectionate, open, honest, and comfortable relationship.  We worked hard to get here and I'm so incredibly glad we did.

There's one thing I knew before MDLL, but never really saw in action though. Boys are stupid.  WHY YOU SO DUMB BOY??

Saturday was an awesome (yet emotional) day for me.  It started with a trip to the Brooklyn Botanic (I always thought it was Botanical) Gardens and Coney Island with Juniper.  Then I met up with Rocks, Rower and Slow Jams for the tail end of a Shakesbeer pub crawl where actors do a quick scene in each bar.  Then Rocks and Rower came with me to Crazy Ass for a bit to hang with MDLL.  Then I took MDLL to the emergency room.

A little less than a year ago, MDLL slipped in his bathroom when he was bombed, twisted his ankle, and fractured his leg.  I argued with him for almost two hours before he finally let me take him to the hospital.  Yes, I'm a doctor Nazi (thanks mom!). You would think MDLL accepts this by now, but no.

Saturday night we were watching TV when he went to the kitchen to get a drink.  I heard glass break and him say, "Oh shit."  I called out, "Everything okay?" He said, "Nope."  I got up thinking it was a simple mess. I wish.  Blood was EVERYWHERE.  He sliced his foot open and it would not stop bleeding. I've never seen that much blood in my life.  I was worried he was going to pass out, so I said let's get a car and get you to the hospital. You know what he did?  He fought me on it by saying - wait for it - he'd sew the two inch gash on his foot himself. BOYS = DUMB.

A few years ago he had a party at his apartment, slipped on some ice, hit his chin on the kitchen counter, and split it open.  In his drunken glory, he decided to stitch it himself with some floss and a sewing needle.  In all honesty, he did a really good job and part of me is slightly turned on by his Ramboness.  That being said, he is not pulling that shit when I'm around.  You have insurance, then use it.

After 20 minutes of arguing - wait, is it arguing if you don't yell?  We weren't yelling at each other, he was just being thick while I was being stern.  When I finally got him to the door, he said, "Thighs, I can do it myself."  I silently stared him down. Apparently my eyes said it all because he didn't complain once we left his building.  In fact, three hours and eight stitches later he kept telling me how much he loved me, how happy he is being with me, and how thankful he is I'm here for him.

NERD ALERT - I heard the ER clerk ask him if Thighs McGee was still his emergency contact.  I smiled and teared up.  He looked at me and said, "Yes she is." MELT.

After that long emotional day, I spent Sunday by myself to recuperate and rest.  MDLL took off Monday so he can give his foot time to heal, which apparently meant go to Crazy Ass for some day drinking even though he's on antibiotics.  Dumb thing 1.  Later that night I made jambalaya and he doused it with gourmet uber hot hot sauce I bought him for his birthday.  I told him to only use a little, but he ignored me. Dumb thing 2. Seconds after eating it he broke into a sweat and got the hiccups. Dumb thing 3 is he KEPT eating it, which resulted in him having to take off again Tuesday because of stomach issues.  Sigh.  I came back over last night to make him a healthy, non-spicy, tummy friendly dinner and take care of him.  He was incredibly thankful and appreciative, but again WHY ARE BOYS SO DUMB?

So having spent the better part of the last four days with MDLL, I had a glimpse into our future.  Some thoughts:

1. I love falling asleep and waking up with him.

2. I love cooking with and for him.

3. I love I can go home if I want to, which means I am NOT ready to cohabitate.

4. I now understand how easy it is to become a bossy and naggy girlfriend.  I never thought I'd be one, but here we are.  I felt he was acting dumb, so I told him how he should be acting.  In my mind it seemed obvious - If you get hurt, go to the doctor. If you're on medication, don't drink, and go easy on your stomach.  But that's just it.  It's in MY mind, not his.  Sure later he said I was right about everything, but in the moment he felt I was being pushy.  I guess it's a fine line...

5. which means I need to keep my mouth shut about wanting him to be healthier and get some hobbies. For now anyways. Everyone teases me about my Groupon addiction, but I'm making up for time I lost last year. I'm also at the point in my life where I don't want to drink every day because it's counter intuitive to all of the work I've been doing to better myself. Unnecessary calories and spending aside, I don't want every new memory taking place in a bar. It's true the company matters more than the setting, but I'd much rather have a shared experience rather than a shared drink.

6. I also understand how easy it is to become a hermit couple.  Yesterday was the first time I played house. I came home from work, went to the grocery store, cooked dinner, and watched TV with him until we fell asleep.  It reminded me a little bit of when I was dating Tat in Staten Island, how I felt friendless and trapped. Granted I had some other things going on this week that contributed to those feelings, but it was odd.  Again, I know I'm not ready to move in with him and I also know I never want to be THAT couple who gives their identity and freedom to the relationship.

Phew! My low this past week wasn't in regards to MDLL, but it didn't help to have all of this going on with him.  The combination was emotionally overwhelming. The one positive thing about my lows is that I do seem to learn something new once they pass.  I just wish I wasn't so raw in the moment.

This too shall pass! ; )

I side with...

www.isidewith.com has an election quiz to help you determine which election candidate you relate to the most.  

I'm not surprised I sided with Obama, but I am surprised I sided with Republicans on one issue.  I'm also surprised there's candidates I never heard of, not because I am so informed, but because the media doesn't seem to care about them. Too bad it's still a two-party system...

My results:

I side with Barack Obama on most issues in the 2012 Presidential Election.

Candidates you side with...

86% Barack Obama on economic, social, domestic policy, foreign policy, environmental, science, and immigration issues.

79% Jill Stein on domestic policy, social, foreign policy, environmental, and science issues.

70% Stewart Alexander on domestic policy and social issues.

37% Mitt Romney and Ron Paul on immigration issues.

88% New York Voters on economic, social, domestic policy, healthcare, foreign policy, environmental, science, and immigration issues.

81% American Voters on healthcare, foreign policy, immigration, science, and environmental issues.

Who you side with by party...

86% Democratic

79% Green

43% Libertarian

37% Republican

26 minutes!

I have veinte y seis minutos left of work. I can't wait to get out of here!  I'm itching for the weekend!

This week has been fantastic.  I feel so happy, fortunate, blessed, and lucky.  Life is good!

I don't really know what made me feel so great.  I guess it's just awareness.  I'm fully aware of how good I have it.  My healthy, family, friends, boyfriend, job, city, home, salary, etc. are all GOOD. 

There is a little voice in my head that says, "You feel too good! You're too happy! A low is coming!"  I am doing my best to silence it.  The nice thing is I recognize how low the voice talks now.  There was a point when it was LOUDER THAN LOUD and now it's just a slight annoyance, sort of like a stray hair you can feel but can't see.

I wish all of you could feel what I am feeling now.  Happiness, gratefulness, love.  It's amazing.  I've worked hard to rid myself of negativity that it's so gratifying to get to a place of positivity, joy, hope, and faith.  I chose to be here and I couldn't be happier.

It's hard to digest the idea that our thoughts and feelings are a choice.  I truly believe they are now. This doesn't mean I will never be angry, hurt, sad, etc. I was pretty upset about something this week and I couldn't let it go.  I dug deep, got to the core of the issue, and was enlightened.  I believe I was choosing to hang on until I fully understood why I was feeling the way I did.  Now that I know, I'm at peace and moving on...

Dos minutos!  Happy weekend everyone!

Joy to the world!

I had my annual checkup with my doctor this morning.  It is so, so, SO incredibly nice to feel good and be healthy!!  Dr. B was very happy for me.  I am, too!!  Yes, I want to lose weight and stop binge drinking, but you know what's great about these two "issues"?  I'VE HAD THEM FOREVER!!  Nothing is new!  I am not falling apart! Yay!  What a difference a year makes. : )

Other fantastic news...guys, it's on. Like REALLY on.  I am madly in love with my boyfriend and I know he is madly in love with me!!  I am in awe of how wonderful things are between us.  I didn't know it was possible to fall more in love with someone every time you talk to or see them.  Gosh, I have so many examples that I don't know which one to share...

Okay, sometimes MDLL will text me asking what he should have for dinner, which is funny because I am the LAST person to give meal suggestions.  If I'm home my dinner is usually carrots, hummus, and a rice cake.  He always makes fun of me for it, which is ironic since his dinner is usually pizza or chinese.  We were text-teasing each other about being world class chefs last night. After a couple of zingers I wrote, "I can't wait for us to cook together all of the time. I think we'd make a great team." and he responded with "I think you're right!" ADORABLE. This is the worst anecdote of all time.

OHOHOHOHOH!!  MDLL came to my cousin's Fourth of July party on Saturday.  It was so fun!! We had a great time sweating (so hot!), playing beer pong, and stuffing our faces.  My parents were hysterical (Juniper!) and treated MDLL perfectly.  My mom asked if he was having fun/had fun at LEAST six times.  I am so glad we've moved past the drama. Now we can be one big happy family!

Joy!!!

Weight the fuck?

I read this article on Jezebel, which lead me to this website.

What is pro-ana and pro-mia?  I didn't know either...turns out they are the promotion of anorexia and bulimia, respectively.  WHAT. THE. FUCK.

I am half surprised, half not surprised. There's a movement/website for everything, why not eating disorders?  I really don't get it though.  They are encouraging low self-esteem, illness, and death.  The website SkinnyGossip is promoting intolerance and hate.  You can be a proud thin person without being verbally abusive to overweight people.  Why not promote positivity and good health instead?

I'll admit I am judgmental at times.  If I see an obese person I want to go all Jillian Michaels on them and scream, "Stop killing yourself!".  When I see super skinny women I think they are weak and unfuckable. Obviously I'm not above being mean, but I am not promoting my behavior.  I am wrongly projecting my insecurities about my body and unhealthy lifestyle, which makes ME the asshole, not them.

It's interesting I read these articles today.  I woke up this morning feeling confident I can get into slammin' shape this summer.  I'm at 170 now and while I would like to get down to 155 again (in a HEALTHY way) I have new goals that aren't dependent on the scale:

1.  Fit back into my size 10 Gap jeans and The Dress, the $300 strapless Max Azria dress that I'm hoping to wear to Socks' wedding in October. 

2. I can get The Dress on, but it doesn't look flattering because of my flabby upper arms.  This is goal two; I want to firm my arms and thighs.  I'm sick of my chubby appendages!!

3. Move at least five days a week.  Tonight I'm walking the five miles home.  Tomorrow I'm going for a run in the morning (if it's not too hot). Wednesday yoga. Thursday kickboxing.  Saturday I'm planning to do a Brooklyn Day, so that will be a lot of walking, too.

4.  If I was able to change my diet out of fear last year, then I need to be brave enough to do it again this year.  I know what I can eat, I know what I'm capable of, and I know once I set my mind to do this I will succeed!!

Wish me luck!

A white lie?

I am toying with the idea of deleting my MDLL divorce posts.  I always felt a bit guilty for airing everything out on Thighs without his knowledge.  He knows I have a blog, he doesn't want to read it (Shizza bless his soul), there are no real names, so it's possible I could "get away with" keeping it up.  I mean, it became my story too, right?

I'm going to keep thinking about this.  Writing on Thighs is my therapy, so I needed to share my feelings and thoughts about his separation with the universe in order to survive it all.  Now that it's almost over, I'm not sure I need it to be publicizied.  HA! Publicized to 23 people...

Is it a white lie?  Sin of omission?  Some other phrase I'm screwing up?

MDLL, if I decide to keep Thighs as is and you read this, I hope it doesn't hurt you. Anything I've written on here I've already shared with you, so it's cool...right?

I don't know how I would feel if I read about my life in someone else's blog...thoughts?

Vegas, baby!!

Other good news...

I AM THE LUCKIEST WOMAN IN THE WORLD.  I cannot not NOT believe how fortunate and blessed I am.  Iron and Miron paid for my flight and hotel, gave me some money to gamble, and took me out to amazing restaurants every night, STK and Picasso being the standouts.  I am not a foodie, nor am I cultured, so it is always a treat to spend time with people who enjoy and can afford the finer things in life.  I make good money now, but I still hesitate at the idea of dropping three hundy at the craps table.  Consultants, not so much.  The amount of money being thrown around was jaw dropping.  I saw a guy bet and lose 5K in 10 minutes.  Give it to me instead!!

Vegas is a weird place.  There are high rollers, low rollers (is that even a thing?) and everyone in between. I'm still not sure what I want to say about Sin City.  Key words floating around my noggin all week were economy, sadness, greed, hedonism, status, sex, fun, luck...it's a fucked up place if you think too much about it.  I guess that's the appeal; they make sure you DON'T think once you get there.

The conference went really well.  Fingers crossed our leads become clients!! I felt much smarter this time around, yet I kept my mouth shut for the most part.  I didn't want to say the wrong thing!!  I rarely sit around looking pretty (mostly because I only recently decided I actually AM pretty), but I didn't mind being quiet.  Well, during the day anyways.  At night I turned it up to 11 and had a BLAST. Iron and I stayed out until 6am our last night.  She and I get along really, really well. It's probably because we are the same person.  Seriously, our personalities are a lot alike although I am more centered.  Yes, this means Iron is absolutely NOT centered...yet anyways. She'll get there!  This is part of the reason I believe I got this gig - the universe wants me to help Iron out of the personal funk she's been in for the last few years. At the same time she can help me out of my financial one! Isn't that nice? I think so!

While we bonded over a lot of things, one experience will always stand out...

WE GOT TATTOOS TOGETHER!! Yay! After 17 years, I FINALLY got a blurple Pisces tattoo.  I fell in love with this picture online...

and the artist brought it to life!  I have a total crush on Ben from Club Tattoo!!

It's healing up nicely although now it's peeling like crazy. I'll take another picture once it's completely healed. I still can't believe I got it.  Yesterday was the first day I didn't drink in a week, so maybe it'll hit me once all the alcohol is out of my system!

I'd love to come back to Vegas one day with MDLL or my girlfriends.  Five days was way too long, so maybe a long weekend is better. Luckily being at the conference from 9-5pm all week kept me relatively good. Relatively...

Check out my pics!!

HE DID IT!!

MDLL processed his divorce papers!!  WOOHOOOOO!!

I am so, so, SO incredibly happy and proud of him!! 

I am also so proud of myself for standing by him and seeing this through. Of course now I am having mild panic attacks about actually being in a loving, respectful, caring, healthy, relationship with MDLL minus the elephant in the room.  My commitmentphobia is rearing it's ugly head! ARGH!

Apparently the wedding planning phase really was a phase.  Maybe it was a distraction from everything.  It was fun to think about, but now I am shaking in my Birks.

I am NOT ready to move forward yet.  The next few months I want to simply enjoy having a wonderful boyfriend and not think about what's to come.  Our two year (holy crap!!) meetiversary is September 6th and I'd love to take a mini-break with him around then to celebrate.

YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!

I LOVE MDLL AND HE LOVES ME AND THAT IS ALL WE NEED TO KNOW RIGHT NOW BECAUSE THERE IS NOTHING TO SEE HERE AND IT'S OKAY TO BE NERVCITED ABOUT THE POSSIBILITIES THAT I AM SUPPOSEDLY NOT THINKING ABOUT.

Yay!

LOSER

I miss MDLL. 

I hate when we're more than a mile apart!

I want to call and text him every five minutes.

I want to be with him in Pittsburgh. (No I don't.)

I hate this! GAH!

At least I'll be in Vegas soon.  DOUBLE GAH!

I texted him once today.  Well twice, but it was a two part thought.  WAAAAHHHH...

He went for himself. He went for me. He went for us. 

CHILL OUT, LOSER.

Heat Dreams

I need to buy a new air conditioner.  Mine is okay and it definitely made a difference compared to my non-A/C rooms, but I didn't sleep well.  I dozed off around 12:30am, woke up 3am, half-slept until 4am, gave up and watched Total Recall on TBS (SCORE!), fell back to sleep at some point, woke up for a few minutes around 6am and talked to myself, slept again then finally got out of bed around 8am.

Besides Total Recall, the only other fun thing about last night were my dreams. Take it away, nutjob!

Jarv, Rocks, Bakes, and I were in a huge block-long apartment with lots of different rooms that I believe we shared.  (I'm pretty sure I dreamt of this place before.)  We were partying and discussing what Broadway shows to see.  I tried to tell Rocks that Jarv and I were going to Jesus Christ Superstar (which we are), but I couldn't get the words out. "Jejus Juperchrist. Super Christ.  Jesus Christ Superstar!!!"  

Dream change - The apartment became just Jarv's place which she shared with a gay man and a stocky, hairy, straight guy.  The straight guy flirted with me and I believe he wanted to spoon.  We may have all been on acid or drunk; I remember it was almost sunrise and we were all really fucked up.  While I was with the guy, the other girls were in Jarv's room playing dress up.  Jarv came out with a humongous guidette bouffant and five pounds of makeup.  I said, "I want to dress up too!" and followed her.  The place had railroad style rooms on both sides of the apartment with a twisty hallway between them and a few secret passages.  I vividly remember a little songbird flying around the apartment.  It made me happy.

Dream change - The boy roommates disappeared and the new tenants were Jarv's coworkers from her production company (she does not work at one in real life).  I believe they were putting on a play of some sort.  I remember we had to climb a ladder that was coming out of the ceiling, which brought us to a whole bunch of cubicles.  Some of her coworkers were semi-bitchy girls and sketchy guys. 

Dream change - The girls aren't in the dream anymore. The coworkers become my coworkers as I take the new job at the production company.  They are putting on some sort of show called "Deandra Deandra" with this chunky little girl in a purple dance outfit.  I believe she either sang really well or had magical powers.  For some reason there were also models nearby and I had to work with their hairstylist and makeup artists.  There was some kind of style competition ala the reality show Shear Genius, but I don't recall doing anything except watching and standing in the wrong place.  I decided to leave and exit out a different ladder back to the office, this one more Escher-esque.  I was above the cubicles with a skirt on and all of the guys gave me the "Hey yo!" and thumbs up because they could see my undies.  I pulled down my skirt to cover my thighs which were MUCH bigger than real life (I hope).

Dream change - This is where it gets weird. (!!) Most things are different.  I don't think I was the lead in my own dream anymore, although it was a blonde.  I guess we'll just call her Jamie. (I don't know why, it feels right.)  Jamie walks into the apartment building and there's a big security gate inside with two guards sitting at a desk.  You need your housekeys to get passed the gate.  She unlocked it and went into the elevator, but then the scene is still playing without her, like if I'm watching a movie.  This guy who kind of looks like Busta Rhymes circa today is at the gate trying to get in.  One of the security guards goofily walks over and says he can't let him in.  Busta says, "No problem, let me give you a quarter."  The security guard is super happy about this, opens the gate to get the quarter, and accidentally drops the keys.  Busta grabs the keys which opens certain apartments and runs off.  Jamie, who again I don't think was here for all of this, appears and says, "Oh no!  My apartment #4141!" and runs upstairs.  She enters the big apartment from the earlier scenes and starts moving all of this furniture in front of the doors so Busta can't rob her.  He gets in anyways and she runs down to one of the secret passages Jarv had showed her.  Jamie opens this weird air-compression sealed door (if that's even a thing) and climbs inside this round chamber.  She calls her mom, which is my mom, and tells her she's okay.  Then she realizes what she climbed into was a big dryer and she will most likely die from the heat. Somehow she manages to get out.

Dream change - Now the dream becomes this Gossip Girl murder mystery type thing.  All of the production company coworkers and Busta are in on this big master plan to kill people.  I'm not really sure why or what happened, but it became this "don't trust anyone because they are all in cahoots" plot. Jamie kept running around the building, stuff I can't remember happened, and then there was a shoot out in this big room with the coworkers, my real life coworker Klam, and JOHN LITHGOW.  The room was huge and white with little mini-golf type floor decorations.  The only one I clearly remember was a fake swamp that was actually a real swamp with a big turtle covered in moss.

Anyhoo Jamie managed to kill Busta, there was blood everywhere, then some friends she could trust helped her hide the body inside a mattress.  It's not clear if they chopped him up.  Some other people died, but then the bullets turned into rubber and bounced off everyone.  Klam and Lithgow were yelling about something, some more stuff happened, and then I woke up.

The end.

Anxious Hot Love

MDLL flies to Pittsburgh tonight.  I fly to Vegas on Monday.  We both get back on Friday.  After almost two years (UNREAL), we are closing one chapter and opening another.

I've been pretty anxious all week.  Sunday night I had some tummy issues, a panic attack, and hot flashes.  I barely slept.  I then seemed to have some sort of allergic reaction to the heat on Tuesday and Wednesday.  Hot flashes again, then my throat closed up and my skin got beat red as soon as I walked outside at lunch.  It's annoying, but seems manageable today.  I'm pounding Gatorade and water, walking at a zombie-like pace, and staying out of the sun as much as possible.  I feel a bit nauseous, but it's probably all of the liquids!

Like always, it's a combination of things with me - I'm anxious about MDLL, sensitive to the heat, PMSing, and nerv-cited for Vegas.  Let's break this shit down:

I'm doing all I can to beat the heat, save ditching work and going swimming.  It will be interesting to see how I react to the Vegas climate; I wonder if the humidity is the problem and not the temperature.

Vegas will be a blast!!  I'm more excited than nervous.  I have no idea what to expect!  At least now I'll be more careful about staying hydrated and cool.  As for the work conference, I'm a bit nervous about selling Biz.  I know I'm a natural schmoozer, but I'm a bit insecure about some of the business processes.  Hopefully Iron and Miron will always be in earshot to help me if I get stumped.

PMS?  Boring.  Been there done that.

MDLL. Okay, I just cheesily smiled when I wrote his name.  I'm really excited for us.  I'm happy and proud of him.  I hope once the papers are signed he immediately feels lighter.  I know I will!

I've written about this before, wondering what our relationship will be like without the elephant in the room.  I believe it will be amazing as always.  He's become my best friend, my love, my rock, my everything. I am in awe of how much we love each other.  I cannot believe it finally happened nor can I believe I spent most of my life pining and whining over guys who didn't deserve me or didn't love me back.  When it's right, it's right.  It wasn't easy to deal with his separation and pending divorce at times, but it brought us closer together and made our relationship stronger. 

I used to think love should be easy, but this idea is too vague for me now.  Life is full of challenges, obstacles, stress, etc....of course it will be hard. I've reworded this idea for myself to LOVING should be easy.  Loving MDLL has always been easy, even through our rough spots.  We love each other for who we are, faults and all. Sure sometimes I want to punch and murder him, but at the end of the day when I simmer down, I love him more than anything.  Easy peasy.

So many activities!

I love being active!  Yay!  Recent activities:

Fencing.  No joke!  Jarv has wanted to try it for a while now, so when a deal came in I decided to join her.  I had no idea it would be such a fun and intense workout.  The advancing, retreating, lunging, engaging.  Lots of ing-ing in that sport.  While I loved the sweat factor, I really enjoyed the focus on poise, control, and patience.  Obviously, I don't have any of those traits, so I'd like to go back for more training. The price for unlimited classes is more than a monthly gym membership though, so I'm hoping to find some place cheaper.

Walking.  The fencing academy is up on 104th Street and Broadway, which is a bit of a hike from Queens.  Luckily the nice weather encouraged me to walk the 3.5 miles up there from work a few times.  Jarv and I walked there and back this past Monday.  I've also walked home from work a couple of times too.  I don't mind the rain as long as we get beautiful days like today!

Jogging.  I ran the women's Mini-10K again!!  YAY! I absolutely love that race.  So much energy and grrrl-power.  I felt surprisingly good the whole time and jogged most of it at about a 12 minute pace.  I walked mile 4, so that cost me a few minutes, but it's not like I was racing-racing.  I just wanted to finish!  Here's my time:

I decided to also run the Giants 5K (we run on the field!) and the Color Run with Juniper this summer. I'm very excited to do both!  Check out the Color Run:

Sculpting.  Last time I ran the 10K I got hammered and woke up on my bathroom floor with no pants on.  THIS time I scheduled a sculpting class (yes another Groupon) right after the race to prevent myself from being a drunk.  It worked!  Check out my stone carving creation:

Yogaing. I love yoga. I've been going to The Giving Tree Yoga Studio with Juniper for a couple of months now and really enjoy it there. 

Swimming. Florida totally got me back into swimming. Tomorrow MDLL and I are heading down to Seaside for some beaching, then we are GOING TO MY PARENTS HOUSE.  Wha-wha-whaaaa??

We aren't technically back together, as in I haven't said "You are my boyfriend again." but basically we are hanging out and talking everyday like we did before the break-up. I didn't tell anyone until recently because I needed some time to be with him in peace.  We are both very excited to get over the divorce hump and see where the future takes us. Hmmm...I guess loving is an activity too!

Still to come: kickboxing, some more archery, bike riding, and I asked my brother to get me some samurai sword training DVDs so I can keep that up.

YAY ACTIVITIES!

Guilt is humbling.

I haven't felt guilty in a while.  This could mean I didn't feel bad for a recent negative thought or action or it could mean I haven't done anything wrong.  I like to believe it is the latter...

Today I felt like absolute shit.  There were three women who ragged on me all last summer, Voldemort being the worst.  I sucked it up with a smile on my face and eventually created a respectful rapport with them, especially a woman I'll call Doldemort.

Doldemort and my boss used to be best friends, then had a HUGE falling out a couple of years ago. This led Doldie to despise anyone Biz related, myself included. Again, she finally came around and I ended up really liking her.

Two weeks ago Doldie told me she was let go.  The kicker - her last day isn't until the end of the year.  I don't know what's worse, not working or working with people who want you out.  She asked me to keep it to myself, even though all of her coworkers know.

Well last week at dinner Iron brought up how Doldie is out.  I said Doldie told me and explained how I felt really bad for her, but couldn't tell if this was a good scenario or not.  It's good financially, however I can't imagine it's good for her psyche.

Fast forward to this morning, my coworker Ackbar went to Doldie's office to give her his sympathies saying Thighs told me what happened.  I had no idea until Doldie wrote me an email saying how angry she is I blabbed.

I know it wasn't the worst thing I did in my life, but it hit me hard.  I apologized in person and twice in email.  I cried in the bathroom, cried on a walk, cried to Spags while she tried to calm me down.  I even thought about going to MDLL's office so he can console me, but thankfully I decided against it.  He has yet to see my hysterical. (Oh yes, we are back together. More on this later. Ironically, he asked me to go for a walk at lunch so I still got to see him!)

I made a mistake. I was wrong. I betrayed Doldie's trust.  I gossiped without intentionally doing so.  The tears and guilt did not fit the crime, but they struck a chord.  It was a familiar, uncomfortable feeling, almost like an old enemy I forgot existed.  It's interesting how one small event can bring up old wounds, even if all I remember is the pain associated with the gash and not the specific gash itself.

I think this experience was well-timed.  I don't know how or why, but I believe it will prevent me from betraying someone else's trust, someone much closer to me than a work acquaintance.

Thanks Shizza. Duly noted.

Wedhead

MDLL is going to Pittsburgh the last week of June to process his divorce!! Yay! I'm very excited and happy to move forward, yet I know it's stressing me out on some level. I can't wait to see what our relationship is like without this hanging over our heads!!

Ironically, I decided to PLAN MY WEDDING as a distraction. Yes I am crazy, but for some reason I feel this intense urge to research dresses, dates, venues, caterers, florists, everything! I'm also watching Say Yes to the Dress and Bridezilla marathons on Netflix streaming in order to get ideas on what to wear and on how NOT to act. My thoughts so far...

1. Most important - everyone has fun, especially my husband and I. Hopefully it is MDLL!

2. The only traditional things I care about is my dad walking me down the aisle and our father/daughter dance. I am going to make that sucker weep!!

3. I have a big family and a lot of friends. I want ALL of them to come. The average NY wedding costs $27K (!!), so in order to have an affordable one with 200+ people I'd like to throw an open bar, buffet style, come and go as you please, kick-ass fucking dance party at a bar in Manhattan or Astoria, not a formal sit down dinner with scheduled events. That is if the hubs will be okay with this.

4. Since I will be dancing I will be a red sweaty mess pretty early on, so the dress must be light and airy without showing perspiration. Strapless might be out because I don't want to be fidgeting with it all night, although I'm sure with the tailoring it will be fine. I'm not a flashy lady so I could see myself in something simple, but then again, maybe this is the one night I'll actually want to be flashy. TBD.

5. Curly and long for the ceremony, up-do for the reception. Again, always thinking about the sweat factor.

6. Speaking of the ceremony, I'm not religious so I will most definitely ask Laurie Sue Brockway to do the nuptials. Hopefully she'll be available! If she's not, I will get this guy from Spaceballs to do it fast:

7. No bridal party, nor does anyone have to throw me a shower. If I do have one, it will most likely be the same day as the bachelor party. Yes, I wrote "bachelor" considering it will most likely include a dive bar and naked ladies at a strip club.

8. I'm not too worried about flowers, colors, or decor, but I'm sure there will be blurple somewhere.

9. If MDLL and I do get married, I would love to have our after party at Crazy Ass, the bar where we met. Maybe.

10. Rings are in a previous post...

Ummmm, I guess that's it for now. I've never really thought about this girly shit before and I must say I am having a lot of fun with it. YES, I am nuts to think about marrying MDLL before his divorce is final. YES, this is most likely going to blow up in my face. BUT, if I learned anything in recent years it's to listen to my gut. My gut is saying to do this, have fun, be creative, and hope for the best!!

My morning (thus far)

6:30am - woke up without an alarm, half-slept, debated what to do

7:00am - jogged/walked 2.25 miles in the neighorhood

7:30am - got coffee, went on my roof to meditate and stretch

8:00am - danced around my living room with imaginary MDLL, talked to myself

8:40am - stripped for shower to get ready for work which usually takes me only 20 minutes

8:42am - saw HUGE roach/waterbug sitting on shower drain, grabbed Raid, sprayed it down proudly using only a little bit instead of my usual half a can, watched the fucker twitch and die, fumbled with dustpan trying to get the corpse up, failed, finally used a bunch of used tissues from my garbage, threw it out while screaming "ewewewewewew", realized while I only sprayed a bit the Raid was in my mouth like when you pass someone with too much perfume on, opened window, ran out of bathroom, scrubbed mouth in kitchen, took a quick Raid/water shower, dried off, went to bedroom still disgusted

8:58am - ironed shirt, dressed, put on makeup, switched purses three times, grabbed yoga gear for later, left, made daily walking-to-train-call to my mother, she complained her computer is broken and her husband who is IT desktop support has yet to fix it, I say probably because he doesn't want to work on a computer at night after 9 hours of doing the same, she rushes off the phone in a huff because she doesn't like to hear when she's being a brat

9:13am - got to subway, asked lady to combine two Metrocards so I didn't have to buy an unlimited one until later, she says one is damaged and gives me form to mail it away for a new one, I say nevermind not worth cost of stamp, she said it's free postage and your money so I should mail it anyways, I mentally roll my eyes, go to Metrocard machine, look for wallet, realize I don't have it, walk home again

9:32am - leave apartment for third time this morning, buy a Gatorade to quench my thirst and remove Raid taste from mouth, get to subway, buy unlimited Metrocard, have revelation on train that I am absolutely positively in love with MDLL and my anxiety from this week about my weight, money, everything is stemming from the fact I can't believe I finally found love and try to accept the fact I deserve to be happy

10:10am - enter work, vent to Rem about my morning, check work and personal email, start this post

11:06am - finish post, worry how my lips still feel numb and I will die from Raid poisoning