Homesick

My gosh I can't wait to go home tomorrow. It's only been three days, but I feel like it's been an eternity since I've been back in the AQ (Astoria, Queens) hanging with my friends.

The dumb thing is I rarely see the girls Monday - Wednesday lately, so why would I be missing them this much?

I guess I miss NY. I miss MD too, who I'm sorry to confuse you guys, but has now become LL (Lastname Lover) in my head. Basically MD was dead to me after Valentine's Day and LL is the new and improved MD. I haven't decided if I'm ditching the MD entirely, so for now he'll be MDLL.

Anyways, I miss MDLL. I wish I knew if he was missing me.

Training is going really well. It's me and my boss in front of 20 billers showing them how to use the new system. Well she's showing them, I'm taking notes. Good thing I love to write!

We went out for dinner and drinks Monday night and tonight. It was really nice to talk to her socially. Did I give my boss a name yet? How about Iron because I'm staring at one?

I'm laying on a king size bed in a hotel room in downtown Philly. Um, can I just say room service fucking rocks? I never ordered it before this week. Being served rules.

This is the first time I'm really getting an idea of what this job could become. I'm not too sure what to think yet. Next week I'll be here by myself, so that could be a little lonely. Or awesome. I guess I'll find out soon!

I seriously can't wait to be back in NY tomorrow night. I'm homesick!

I'm all a Twitter.

Well I did it. Thighs McGee is on Twitter.

I found out yesterday my brother is on Twitter and in order to follow him I need an account. Awwww...I love Rippie.

You might be surprised to know that writing most of my blog posts takes me a while. I write, reflect, and edit numerous times before posting.

FYI, my tweets will not be censored.

Look to your right for the link. Enjoy!

I just said...

"Oh snap" for the first time in my life.

Oh snap.

There's a Blogger app. Of course there is. I fucking love this phone.

Artoo!!

My new catchphrase

"Your yeast is chomping."

Hahahahahahahaha!

Happenings

All is well today. It's the first time in a while that I feel like I'm beating whatever the fuck is wrong with me. I have finally fully admitted to myself that my anxiety levels are through the roof. I'm anxious about being anxious ALWAYS.

Where did I last leave off?

My MRI results were fine. THANK SHIZZA. The inner ear imbalance was an accurate diagnosis, although it doesn't cover all of my symptoms. My doctor gave me some visual and coordination exercises to help level me out. I wonder if being tipsy is temporarily helping my balance as I seem to feel better after a night of drinking. Only me!!

The pain in my foot was so bad that it travelled up into my knee as well. The podiatrist said there was nothing wrong with my foot so the pain must be coming from another part of my body. The neurologist jumped right on it and gave me a nerve test which consisted of about 50 electrical shocks to my arms and legs. She also took some blood to find out once and for all if my Lymes is back. Did I mention this possibility yet? No? I had Lymes when I was ten, yada, yada, yada, it tends to come back in a woman's thirties. Whatever. I've been x-rayed and pricked (heh) like a zillion times this month. It's getting fucking old.

Work is okay. I'll be in Philly Monday through Thursday this week and next. I'm really nervcited about it. When will the anxiety go away?? Gah! I went clothes shopping today to make myself feel more confident. I bought a lot of nice tops, but still haven't found pants that fit me right. Oh well. I'll try again next weekend.

My social life is the only thing keeping me sane (!!) lately. I love all of my friends so incredibly much. I feel guilty that sometimes I can't enjoy their company as much as I'd like to because I'm not feeling well, but I don't know if they ever notice. I've become a pretty good actress hiding all the shit going on inside. I'm not usually one to hide anything, it's just that every fucking week it's something so I don't want to sound like a whiny hypochondriac fuckwad. I forgot to mention the corneal eye infection I got out of nowhere last Tuesday. It felt like there was glass in my eye. Fantastic.

I wasn't able to hide anything yesterday, though. MD and I were laying in bed chatting when I started crying about how stressed I am with this new job. He was really, really sweet about it. He's been really sweet a lot lately, this week especially. We've hung out every day since Tuesday. I love being with him.

I was seriously okay with not talking about "us" or being his girlfriend up until last night. I got jealous and started to worry I was going to lose him. I'm glad. It was sort of weirding me out how detached I've been the past month or so. Very unlike me.

Anyhoo, he helped me realize why I'm so anxious about my life. I don't trust myself or have faith things will work out. Be it my health, job, or relationships, I'm constantly on edge and worried. I guess I've always been a worrier, but the past few months take the cake. The good news is I feel better knowing where the stress is coming from. The bad news? I don't quite know how to fix it yet. How do you learn to trust yourself again?

Happy Pictures

I got nothing to say, so here are some pictures of things that make me happy:

I love copays.

I'm writing on my phone from my neurologist's office. My last visit started with a 1.5 hour wait and ended with a massge and acupuncture another 1.5 hours later, so I have time to type slowly.

I'm a mess again, but trying to stay in good spirits. The lightheadedness and boob/chest pain was really bad last week. My sonogram and mammogram came back fine, which is great and shitty at the same time. There isn't a piece of an implant or, thank Shizza, tumors, but there still isn't an explanation for my pain. My mom said to go to a neurologist and I'm super glad I did.

An undiagnosed/untreated inner ear infection seems to be the reason for my lightheadedness, dizziness, occassional nausea, and inability to lay down flat without getting a headache. YAY FOR AN ANSWER!! Boo for the asshole doctor who said I was depressed. Never going back to him. In fact, I'm done with male doctors. I ain't risking "this bitch be crazy" diagnosis again.

The neuro wants me to go for two MRIs on the brain and ear. Hopefully by Friday the infection will be confirmed and I can get meds and feel good once and for all. Right now I'm in her Chinatown office waiting to do some balancing tests. A kickass martial arts movie is on in the waiting room. Definitely a nice way to start a Monday.

She also thinks at this point my boob is a pulled muscle and needs some physical therapy. I've lost a lot of strength since last summer, so it really is time to get back to the gym. One last snafu of course, because apparenty 2011 and my body don't like each other - my foot spasmed on Wednesday and I'm rocking a sweet pimp limp. I already went to a podiatrist because I'm my doctor nazi mother's daughter. It's not broken, but the doc wrapped it and said to stay off my feet for a few days. Sorry bub, but that's not an option in this city.

My Ruth Clare alter ego is taking over. I seemed to have turned 83 and not 33 this month. My ridiculous amount of ailments and doctor's visits this year are comical at this point. Tomorrow I'll probably wake up with a dick growing out of my forehead. Call me Screwicorn.

Ta da!

I'm back! HOLLA!

I haven't felt very Thighs McGee lately. Not in a bad way, I just haven't thought much about writing. This is what's new:

1. My birthday party was excellent. Good times, good friends, and good Guinness. We hung out at Flannery's until about 11pm, then the Astoria crew went over to Crazy Ass for a nightcap. A three hour nightcap. I think I got home at 2:30am. It was the first time in quite a while that I drank a lot. I was a little nervous, but all was well. Too well perhaps because I haven't really stopped drinking or staying out late since then. That weekend Jarv and I barhopped around the neighborhood. This past week included staying out until 1:30am on both Wednesday and Thursday, not going out UNTIL 3am on Friday, taking a break Saturday, then drinking from noon until 8pm today. I feel fine, but Bethany Beergut is back and I'm tired. So tired. I am not drinking this week until Friday when MY BROTHER COMES TO VISIT! It's a last minute work trip. I'm so excited to see him!!

2. Work is getting better!! I wanted to get some stuff done this weekend, but that was a total fail (see above). I feel a bit shitty about it, so no more drinking or late nights during the week for me anymore. I plan on getting in early tomorrow to get ahead. My boss was in three days last week, which was nice and comforting. She said I'm doing a great job and apologized for being m.i.a. Things seem to be simmering down for her, so I'm hoping this is when things will start picking up for me. She made mention of getting me and apartment in Philly for the month of July because I'm apparently going to be spending a ton of time there, so that's pretty cool. Also the Chicago project manager quit, so there may be an opportunity for me to go there as well. WRIGLEY!

Things are really looking up. The birthday drama freakout was a blessing in disguise. I was burying my nerves and trying to play it cool and be patient, but let's face it - patience is not my thing.

3. You know what's my thing? Or things rather? Boobs. It never occurred to me that I'm so boob-centric because of my, what do I call it, plight? Nah. That sounds religious. My situation? Eh. My boob chapter? Yeah, my boob chapter.

I recall being a boob girl before all that happened anyways, probably because as a kid my parents would make me go in the other room when they knew a nude scene was coming up in a movie. I'd naturally sneak a peek, not because I wanted to see naked chicks, but because I was curious as to what I wasn't allowed to see and really good at being defiant.

Anyhoo, my boob chapter is still writing itself. I still sleep propped up, usually wear a bra to bed, and rarely lift my arms or jump around. I've lost so much muscle since July that I suck at arm wrestling now, something I was quite proud of being good at considering I never worked out that much to begin with. I was an altoid, curiously strong and really white.

In my drunken birthday stupor I "accidentally" danced and bounced around way too much. My boob/chest muscle has been hurting ever since. Today's the first day it doesn't feel so bad. I wrote "accidentally" because at this point there is no fucking reason I shouldn't be able to dance, raise my arms, or do anything. It's been seven months since surgery and four months since I hurt myself on Thanksgiving. It sucks.

I don't want to go back to the asshole plastic surgeon ever, ever again so I went to my gyno to get a referral for a breast specialist. I called two of the tops ones and unfortunately they won't see me because I don't have cancer. Yes, it's a good thing I don't have it, but once they heard the word "implant" I felt there was a bit of condescension in the nurses' voices. Fuck you, fuckbag. It's not what you think. After I told them the story they eased up, but still wouldn't see me so I decided to go to for a mammogram/sonogram on my own. This way if something is wrong at least then maybe a specialist will be more willing to help. If there's nothing there I may go for an MRI and see a sports doctor. I read pulled chest muscles are a bitch, so maybe I have to treat it like it's a sprained ankle or something. Who knows. All I do know is I wish this fucking chapter would end.

The good news is the girls are still even. I feel pretty healthy otherwise, except I still get the lightheadedness and back of head headaches a few times a week. Oh well.

4. Boys. There's always one. Or four. The Gentleman and I had lunch the other day. I never ended up officially breaking it off and at this point there's no need. We are definitely in friend territory and I'm happy to stay there.

On St. Patty's Day I reached my two guy kiss quota. One was Will from last year. I saw him at the bar, we chatted, no big deal. Then on my walk home he came up on his bike and we walked together for a bit (he lives across the street from me). As I was saying good-bye he rammed his tongue down my throat. It was fine and I laughed it off, but I do not not NOT want to be with that guy. He's fucking nuts!

Even nuttier - the other guy I made out with was the fat member of the Ultimate Dickfuck Dodgeball team. Crazy, right? I didn't recognize him for a while, but I knew he looked familiar. When we figured it out I turned all red and starting yelling about how his team ruined dodgeball for me. Dramatic, much? Fa!

While he's much thinner and handsomer now, I'm not that into him. I'll probably go out for a drink or something just to be sure. One never can tell on St. Patty's Day.

The fourth dude of late is MD. Shocking. We've been spending a lot of time together again. He came out for my birthday, we hung out that weekend, this past Wednesday, and everyday this weekend. Now that I finally know some details about his past relationship and where he's at in his head other than "I don't want a serious relationship" I've become more calm and detached. We're not each other's taco lobster and that's okay.

I decided my soulmate's nickname is Big Red. I haven't met him yet, but I know he's out there. For some reason I'm not quite ready to look yet, probably because of work and boob chapter. I need some more time. I told myself March will be about getting back to Me and April will be about finding my We.

Oh and I'm over the guy Rem at work. I definitely want to be friends with him, though!

Shit it's late...why don't I sleep anymore!?!? Gah!

Happy Birthday?

Ummm...I just woke up to a horrible burning smell choking me in my sleep.

I heard someone on the roof, so I opened the door and waited a couple of minutes for them to come down. A very hot fireman said the boiler blew up and if I smell anything in my apartment it's okay, just open the windows.

It smelled so fucking bad that I threw on my coat and went outside. Only two other neighbors were down there (I live in a sixteen apartment building). They were all freaked out because they actually felt the building shake when it happened.

I'M freaked because I slept through it all. Why didn't the alarms go off? Why didn't the firemen knock on doors? I guess I should feel safe they didn't feel it was necessary to evacuate the building, but I don't. GAH!

It still smells so bad in here. I hope I can sleep!

The good news is besides my apartment building not blowing up and you know, death, I wasn't born until 5:07am, so technically it's not really my birthday yet.

I'm smiling.

Rem, the guy I like at work, gave me a birthday present. I can't get over it!! We bonded over discussions of good beer, so he bought me a bottle of Great Divide Yeti because that's his favorite brewery and I told him I like stouts. HOW SWEET IS THAT?

I'll ask again...HOW SWEET IS THAT??

He totally made my day. I haven't stopped smiling, except when I think about how Rockstar hasn't called me back after going for a run in the park with a bum knee. WILL YOU PLEASE CALL ME BACK?

I really, really like his company and am excited to hang out and get to know him better. I like him. I'm sure we'll eventually make out because that's what I do best, but I feel like there's more to this connection. I sense my life is going to be better having met him.

SWEET.

No Philly!

Yaaaaayyy! Party on, Wayne! Party on, Garth!

God I forgot about those movies...

Yaaaaayyy!

Oh bloody hell.

Are you kidding me with this shite? I unsubscribed 89 times! Fuck you and your swirly lamb!

Happy Almost Birthday to Me!

My birthday gift...an R2D2 Droid 2! WOO HOO! It makes Artoo noises when the phone rings!



It is my first smartphone, so I'm now turning into one of those annoying people who check in on Foursquare and update Facebook all of the time. (I can hear Juniper yelling at me.) I'm toying with the idea of starting a Twitter account, too. Toying.

Actually I did have internet access on my first cellphone back in 2001, but all I did was check Yahoo seventeen times a day to see if Softball Pat emailed me. I wonder if he's on Facebook...

Anyhoo, I love it. I will leave no seafood restaurant unturned.

Eight Years

MD and I finally talked last night. It went very well. I don't have much time to go into it at the moment (I have actual work to do, hooray!), but I can't think straight. Two words keep running through my head: eight years. He and his ex were together for eight years.

I can't fathom being with someone that long, let alone breaking up with someone after that long.

We are on complete opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to where we are in life right now. I am done with being single while he is enjoying (?) being single for the first time since college. Do you know how many guys I slept with while he was in a relationship? DO YOU? I'm asking becuase I lost count.

I don't know how I feel about this yet. I'm a hopeless romantic. I don't like to think love is based on timing because fuck time. If I truly love someone I would want to be with them no matter what is going on in my life because I wouldn't be able to live without them.

I know "love" wasn't in the cards for MD and I. I felt like I was falling in love with him, but he definitely wasn't falling in love with me. It's just that I've never been serious about someone before. Tat and I talked about moving in together, but I knew it wasn't going to happen. I would have dropped everythig for MD if he asked. He never did.

I find myself wondering what the point was again, sort of like I did with the Banana drama. WHAT THE FUCK IS THE POINT? Why did I have to meet someone who is not ready for a relationship when for the first time in my life I'M ready for one?? Yes I know, even if he was ready it doesn't mean he'd want to be with me. Hell, he could get hit with Cupid's arrow tomorrow and end up married by the end of the year. Kill me if that happens.

Then again, that could happen to me too...

GAH. I hate dating. HATE IT. I'm done. I'm done done done done done*.



*Lie lie lie lie lie.

Farts!

That is all.

I'm a regular.

Here's how much time and money I spend at Crazy Ass:



And remember, I haven't really been drinking the past few weeks. I probably won't be there as much now that MD and I are through. Still no official discussion about a break-up, although he did finally call me last night. I texted him a short, breezy, no-response-required-response this morning. I really have nothing to say at this point. I'm done.

I'm sure I'll easily find another place to blow $300 a month.

Call Me Bronto

THUNDER THIGHS!

'Twas a great weekend!

Friday night I got some tacos and a beer with Jarv.

Saturday I went to the gym, cooked some eggs (by myself!), watched Modern Family, went to Swaft for a burger and drink with Jarv, came home, watched more Modern Family, then The Social Network.

Sunday Juniper and I went to the Whitney Museum for the Edward Hopper exhibit then off to Luke's Lobster for dinner (the lobster rolls are divine).

Yesterday I cooked some eggs (by myself!), exercised at home, did my taxes ($1K coming my way!), went to Crazy Ass with Bakes and Jarv, then did laundry.

In between all of those things I slept and meditated. It was the perfect relaxing weekend.

I will admit I was pretty sad about MD at times. I had some good soul-cleansing laugh-cries, so I'm well on my way to being over him. Today was the first day I got angry about him, though. I'm not sure if this is a setback or not. I'D LIKE TO BASH HIS FACE IN. Thoughts?

Another setback - I feel stupid. I should have known better, but I followed my heart and went for it anyways. Oh well. The six months I wasted on him is nothing in the grand scheme of things. At least it's over. Well to clarify, it's not technically over, but we haven't spoken since Wednesday. I don't want to call him, I know he won't call me, and OH YEAH, we were never really together so there's nothing to end!! JERKSTORES FTW!!

Here are some one-liner emails I'd like to send him:

"I am no longer interested in your services."

"Please remove my phone number from your list of contacts."

"I'd greatly appreciate if you ignore me at Crazy Ass for the rest of eternity."

"I beat your Photo Hunt score under the name FUCK YOU."

ARGH. Now I'm all red again. I need another relaxing weekend stat!

Happy Thoughts!

I'm taking this MD thing one day at a time. Today I feel okay about my decision! Sure I cried a couple of times, but that's not a bad thing. I needed it.

Work was fun this week. I was made the point person for user validation issues, which means I have to help them resolve any differences they find between the old and new system data. Most of the time it's because the person didn't read the documentation correctly, but every once in a while something new and nerd-interesting comes up.

For example, a record in the new system had the date 1/1/1900 and the same record from the old system in the Excel spreadsheet they were comparing it to had 1/2/1900. When I checked the old system source table in Access the record read 1/1/1900. I thought, well maybe it's a copy and paste issue. I was right! If you copy 1/1/1900 from an Access table it will read 1/2/1900 when you paste it into Excel. A Google search said this is a known Excel bug that has to do with Lotus 123 and 2/28/1904 being a leap year. All dates prior to 2/28/1904 are off by one in Excel and Access.

Now I thought that was the answer, but then I just checked this theory in Excel and actually I don't think that's the full reason. If you turn dates into a General format a number pops up (ex: 2/18/11 = 39130). Nerd-interesting, you know what date number 1 is? 1/1/1904. It has to be related to the copy and paste issue, right? I don't have Access on my Mac, so I can't keep digging...

See what happens when I don't drink on Friday nights?

A new guy named Zebra started this week. I like him! When I first met him on Tuesday I got a bit nervous because he has a legal accounting background and I don't. I later realized that I will learn a ton from him and who knows, maybe some healthy competition will be good for me. Now I hope he becomes my new work husband!

I think going to the client office every day is going to be good for me. I like meeting new people, the commute is super fast, and it's way too easy to get sucked into myself (heh) at home.

Oh by the way, today I decided a vagina is an inbox and an ass is an outbox.

I wasn't feeling well this week again. I was getting super lightheaded whenever I walked around. Yesterday was really bad - I had to stop twice to get my bearings while walking during lunch, then I practically had to coach myself out of the office and onto the subway to go home. I know my doctors think it's stress/depression and maybe they're right, but that's not fair. Something's off. While I might be overweight I am not obese or deathly unfit. I walk all of the time, I climb my four flights and subway stairs with no problem. Having to stop after a 15 minute walk is wrong. It fucking sucks that they won't take me seriously.

Yes, I have to admit that the MD stress is bothering me, but really? Come on! This lightheaded thing has been going on for a fucking year now. Did I already say it's not fair???

This morning was hard, but I'm feeling okay now. The more it happens, the less I panic, so that helps. Not that I want this to be a regular occurrence, but not freaking out is making it easier to deal with. Same thing with my food intolerance. Today I might have pushed it a little much with the bread/sugar. I ate a Clif protein bar, lots of fruit, half a turkey sandwich with the bread, two chicken tacos with the tortillas, and half a Guinness. I couldn't finish my beer because I hit the wall. It's sort of like being bloated on the inside, if that makes any sense.

I was a little worried that I'll be all fucked up tomorrow, but I shut that down. The intolerance only started this year, so it's going to take some time to figure out how much I can handle. It's not like I downed a bag of chips or pretzels, which interestingly enough I keep having dreams that I do and then spit them all out. Obviously this is on my mind.

My relationship with food is changing so much. I was always a big eater. A loaded eater. Whether it's salad or cereal or a burger, I love lots of stuff on it. Now I have to really think about what I'm eating and plan. It's a good thing.

Speaking of plans, I don't have many this weekend and I'm super excited about it. Juniper and I might check out a museum and Jarv and I might go to brunch. Other than that I plan on watching my Netflix (Modern Family is so good!), hitting the gym (whether I feel up to it or not), doing my taxes, and being nice to myself. The only person I've thought about this past month was MD. That's it. Sure I'm a self-involved blogger, but I seriously have not put myself first in weeks. This weekend I plan to do just that.

Happy thoughts!

And the real kicker is...

MD's not even a ginger. What the fuck am I wasting my time for??

Side note - I was walking to the subway yesterday and this guy in front of me had GORGEOUS long red hair. Now I hate guys with long hair, probably because I can't grow any, but his was acceptable.

I said, "Excuse me sir. Your hair is awesome." He chuckled, we chatted for a second, said good night, and then had that awkward moment of walking at the same pace in silence. Luckily he was smart enough to jaywalk across the street to get away from me.

It was funny. GINGERVITIS.

I'm done.

Last night my friend Sy was guest bartending at Crazy Ass. I didn't want to go because I was still so disappointed with MD. I know it's a shame that I let his lack of Valentine get to me so much, but I can't help it. I deserve to be with someone who wants me to be their sweetheart.

It felt different when MD came in. I tried to act normal, but I could feel the wall up. I wanted to just get through the night without any drama, talks, or tears.

WELL. It would have been fine if it wasn't for my "friend" Wheat. Wheat is a regular. We hit it off as soon as we met a few months ago and had what I thought was a nice connection. Our conversations were real and honest, not just fluffy bar talk. I was attracted to him in the "Aw Wheat!" way, but I didn't want to be more than friends. Unfortunately we ended up kissing on New Year's Eve. MD wasn't there, I was drunk and lonely, it was New Year's, and I really did like Wheat. I just didn't want to date him.

I didn't think this would ever be an issue. We talked about it since and there was no indication that he had any ill will toward me about it. He even gave me advice about MD a couple of weeks ago saying that I shouldn't get hung up on labeling our relationship if we both care about each other. I thought that was nice.

WELL. For whatever reason, last night Wheat decides to announce that he and I made out. MD was like "WAIT. WHAT?!?" I have never seen or heard MD react that fast to anything. You would think if Wheat was my friend he would have done damage control realizing that MD was obviously upset, but NOOOOOO, he goes, "Oh what you guys never discussed this? It was in a locked bathroom and everything. Uh oh did I make things awkward?" IT WAS SO FUCKING MEAN!

Now yes, maybe I shouldn't have been a tongueslut at "our" bar, but this was when I thought MD and I were through. And yes, maybe I should have told MD just in case, but seriously IT WAS NOTHING. I never, ever thought this would come up, especially not like this. Fucking Wheat. I can't believe him!

The night was already awkward for me with the whole Valentine's Day crap. Throw this on top and the night was flat out ruined. I'm so sick of this story that I won't go into the details of what happened, but basically it was me apologizing and MD saying he doesn't care. He was hurt and was trying to hurt me back. He succeeded. I feel ridiculously guilty too, but what the fuck? HE'S the one who didn't want a commitment!

On my way to the bar last night I had pretty much decided I was done with MD. I am not in love with him, I am in love with the guy I want him to be. I want him to be this pensive soul-searcher who has such deep feelings he can't find the words to express them. His muteness is his burden and gift.

Fuck that. I've put up with this way too fucking long. While last night wasn't ideal, it was still an opportunity for him to say how he felt about me. Or you know, VALENTINE'S DAY was. He didn't and you know why? Because nothing's changed since we last spoke about it in the beginning of December. He doesn't want to be with me.

I finally don't want to be with him anymore, either. I'm done. I seriously do not think there is anything he could possibly say to change my mind right now. If he ever fucking spoke!

BLERG!

I feel like me!

I finally feel like myself again. The last three weeks sucked. I still don't know what the hell was wrong, but I don't care. I'm better now. Today is the first day my head, neck, elbow, stomach, brain, mind, and soul feel good. THANKS, TODAY!

I lowered my thyroid meds on Sunday and I know it's too soon to really feel a difference, but I believe I do. It's probably more mental than physiological, but whatever. Mental's what I do best.

I really wanted to go to the gym this morning, but I ended up having to rush into the office for a training session. It was the first time I actually felt comfortable with the idea that I could stay home if I wanted to and it sort of bit me in the ass. Oops. I'll be going in to the office everyday now for a while. I don't mind (considering that's what I'm used to), I just really need to start bringing my lunch. The one deli by the office charges $10 for a salad!

Speaking of food, I added a bit of bread and carbs back into my diet. Oatmeal and potatoes are fine. I had two Guinness the other night and felt okay. I ate a wrap for lunch today and yesterday. All good. I'm still not ready to eat a sandwich or pasta yet, though. I don't care what the doctors said. Something's up with me and too much sugar...

HOLY CRAP! I forgot to write about this...I USED MY OVEN ALL BY MYSELF THIS WEEKEND! I made MD brownies. I was clammy and nervous the whole 27 minutes they baked, but I did it! YAY! Next up, a big meal for myself so that I can enjoy leftovers all next week. I will be the next Iron Chef.

Tonight I treated myself to a haircut and highlights. I spent way too much, but considering I haven't gotten my hair professionally colored or bleached in at least two years I figured I was due. Plus I really needed a change. I like how it came out. I'd take a picture, but I'm all red for some reason. It's a lighter bob with bangs. I had the same hairstyle when I was 2. I feel younger.

The Gentleman wanted to hang out tonight before he goes out of town again for the weekend. I said I was busy. I feel bad, but I didn't want to lead him on. I'll talk to him when he gets back. The truth is even if I wasn't seeing MD again, I don't think The G-man and I are a good fit. I really do think he's a great person, though.

There's a guy at work I find interesting. I'm sort of attracted to him. He's cute, wears nice fitting clothes (I had no idea this meant something to me), and really seems to know his shit. The clothes thing made me wonder if he's gay, but I'm pretty sure he was checking out my rack yesterday. I'm surprised I'm even writing about him. Let's call him Rem.

Why AM I writing about him? I don't know...I want to be with MD, but I'm afraid to talk to him about how I feel. How sad is that? Me, the biggest loudest oversharingest emotionalest obnoxitard is too shy and scared to talk to my fake boyfriend about the chances of him becoming my real boyfriend one day. I'm not good at dating, am I? Blerg.

I'm trying to not think about last year since things have been different between us the past month, but I feel like I felt at the end of November. I'm not sure I can hold in my feelings much longer. We're hanging out tomorrow night, so I'll see how it goes. Wish me luck. NO SHOTS.

Happy Valentine's Day!

I like Valentine's Day.

Unfortunately the only time I ever had a boyfriend for it was Psycho Joe back when I was 19. I'm pretty sure we got a hotel room since we were both living at home. I'm pretty sure I bought some lingerie. I'm also pretty sure that if I'm writing "pretty sure" that it was not memorable and doesn't really count.

PJ and I broke up in January and made a half-assed attempt at a reconciliation through February, but we weren't really together. I'm pretty sure we went to Red Lobster and I am absolutely sure he bought me Box of Pearls: The Janis Joplin Collection because I love that box set. That was eleven years ago. Balls.

MD and I went out to dinner the other night. I had a really great time (YAY!), but we still haven't had The Talk yet. Well, we haven't had it since the beginning of December after my Thanksgiving Meltdown. While a lot of things have changed since then, I am afraid to find out his mind hasn't.

We texted a bit earlier. I asked him to hang out tonight, but he had to work late. I don't know what's worse, not having anyone to like on Valentine's Day or not being able to be with the person I like on Valentine's Day. It would have been so eassssyyy for him to blow my mind today, but he didn't.

Look I know it's just a day and if MD proposed to me tomorrow it wouldn't matter, it's just that for whatever reason I am a 33 year old spinster who has gotten her heart broken a zillion times yet SOMEHOW still likes Valentine's Day. I'd really like to share it with someone for once and this year I wanted it to be him.

Oh well. At least it's not as upsetting as the shit with Banana last year. I wouldn't have minded riding a mechanical bull again, though! Shit, did I ever even write about that? Me and some of the girls went on an Anti-Valentine's Day pub crawl that started at Cheap Shots (actual name of bar) and ended at Mason Dixon (ditto) for some bull riding. I made a map and everything!



It was the best Valentine's Day I ever had. Remind me to drink next year.

I may...

or may not have hurt my elbow in the shower by slamming it into the tile ledge as I was pretending to punch an imaginary girl at an imaginary bar who was messing with an imaginary MD.

Did it really happen?

You decide.

You know what?

I don't buy the depression diagnosis. I'm an emotional worrywart who drinks too much, exercises too little, obsesses over things out of my control, and waits too long to change the things I can. I will admit I have been pretty down the past couple of weeks because I don't feel well, but I do not believe it's depression. So fuck you, doc. Would you be so quick to say it was depression if I was a dude?

I definitely could use some help with stress management, so I will be going back to therapy. I have a good life, there's no reason I should be this anxious and uncomfortable.

I got an email from The Gentleman on Wednesday. He was really sick and is now travelling for the next week and a half. I decided I'll wait to have the talk when he comes back. I felt bad calling it quits when he doesn't feel well.

MD and I hung out last night. Awesome. That is all.

I felt really great yesterday. First time in three weeks. YAY! Today I feel okay, except for the splitting headache and now neck pain. I don't think it's related to food or stress or DEPRESSION (jerk). It's probably because I'm carrying my laptop everywhere, looking down at it as opposed to looking up at a desktop monitor, and started sleeping laying flat again after two months of sleeping sitting up post-surgery. Well, post-pulled chest muscle. DUDE. I solemnly swear to be the healthiest I have ever been in my entire life starting now.

My only plans for this weekend are to cook and rest. I'm feeling a little hermity, but I think it's because I just want to save all my energy for getting better. Done and done.

The results are in.

My doctor said my test results are fine. Yay! He also said it must be depression. Boo! : ) :

At this point there's nothing left to do except go back to therapy and Auntie D. Naturally I have mixed emotions about this. Right now I feel like I failed. Oh well. At least I tried.

A couple of things did stand out on my bloodwork to me though:

My TSH/thyroid score is lower than it's ever been, so my fatigue and headaches could be related to too much Synthroid. This makes sense considering my dosage was upped the beginning of January. I am going to lower it again and see what happens.

My hemoglobin was a little high. The doctor didn't seem phased by this, but when I looked online (I can't stop, it's too dangerous!) I am in the pre-diabetic range with a 5.7. I'm not sure why he ignored this considering the reactions I had to sugar the past few weeks. I guess it's because there's really nothing to do besides keep watching my diet (I lost eight pounds!) and start exercising.

So there ya have it. I am a healthy menthole who needs to lay off sweets. Welcome to America.

Update on The G-Man

The Gentleman might be onto me. We haven't talked on the phone in quite some time. I don't even know the last time I called him. It's been mostly texts and emails.

I called him yesterday evening and got his voicemail. He called back a couple hours later, but I was already in bed and not in the mood for the talk.

I called him again this evening. He hasn't called back. This is not like him. He might know what's coming.

If he doesn't respond I'm going to leave it alone. While I'm all for being honest and breaking it off in an upfront way, I really don't want to do this. When I tried to break up with Mr. J over the summer, he said "God you're so serious!" Well I am serious when it comes to love. I want it and I don't want to hurt anyone on my way to finding it.

If he only made me laugh. BLERG.

Bro Love

When we first moved to New Jersey my mom would lock herself in the downstairs bathroom and cry everyday for a good year. She finally snapped out of it when my brother, then 5, gave his new friend a tour of our house. She heard him say, "...and this is our kitchen and this is our brown bathroom that my mom cries in because she misses New York..."

Around that same time, she felt the need to train us on what to do if someone broke into the house. "Kids, if there is ever an emergency. I will say 'Go feed the rabbits.' and then you guys run out the backdoor and get help." FYI: we lived in a nice, safe suburban area with lots of neighbors. We didn't have rabbits.

My brother reminded me of these two stories tonight. We had our monthly phone call when we both tell each other how fucked in the head we are, how we wish we were normal only to later decide normal people are boring, and how mental stability wasn't really in the cards for us considering we are our mother's children. I like these calls because I feel like he's my old platoon buddy, the only person I can talk to about life during and after the war.

We have a good laugh about mom, our self-involvement and self-loathing, and our yuppie fixes (meds, therapy, yoga, meditation). He tells me my problems are good problems and I tell him to stop obsessing about his hairline.

Rippie is turning 30 this year. It fascinates me that I've known of him for that long, but really only got to know him the past five years...

I love my brother. The end.

Fuck You, Build-A-Bear

I have tried to unsubscribe from Build-A-Bear Workshop's email blast at least seven times in the past two months.

I don't know how they even got my Gmail address since I always sign up for junk shit with my Yahoo account.

Build a fucking bear that will take me off your fucking email list! GAH!

Breaking it off.

I'm breaking it off with The Gentleman tonight. I need some Thighs therapy to get me through this...

If The Gentleman made me laugh things might be different. That's the only thing "wrong" with the guy. I'd really like to be friends. Maybe catch a Mets game one day.

The truth is I'm way too stressed out right now to be dating two people. There, I said it. I AM STRESSED OUT.

I'm trying my best to adjust to this new job, which I know I will love, but it's so many changes at once that it's a little overwhelming.

It doesn't fucking help that I've felt like shit the past three weeks. I am officially a hypochondriac now.

I still haven't gotten my Cobra information yet, so who knows how much my follow-up doctor appointment this week is going to cost me.

My mom has become my therapist and I'm worried that my stress is stressing her out.

My dad went for a biopsy today to see if he has prostate cancer. I've fooled myself into thinking I'm not worried, but I really am.

I miss feeling well enough to go out and have fun. I'm not even talking about boozing it up either. I had a great time cooking with the girls, at my friends' birthday party, and watching the Superbowl, but I am still not myself yet. I'd love to actually feel like I'm in the moment again.

Last but not least is MD. I like him too much to date other people right now. I have no clue what will happen next, but I'm willing to wait it out a bit longer. Plus, I fucking baked for the guy:



The Gentleman doesn't stand a chance. I can't string him along when I have all of the above on my mind. He deserves to be someone's first thought, not their eighth. I hope he finds someone more awesome and less anxious.

More Thingalings

Oatmeal is safe! My stomach was okay and I had more energy. In fact I felt pretty good yesterday morning until I put on my glasses. My head starting hurting and a felt hazy again. I'm now wondering if maybe my prescription is wrong. The guesswork is getting to me though, so I'm trying to ignore everything until I get the bloodwork back. It's taking longer than I thought, probably because he tested me for so many different things. Oh well. I have to power through as best as I can.

This morning was a little rough. I woke up with a really bad headache, which turned into a panic attack. I have to stop hoping I'm going to wake up feeling well because when I don't it depresses me. I talked myself down and feel pretty good now. I'm glad because I got plans, bitch! I'm heading out to Swaft for a bit, then over to my friends' birthday party in the city tonight. I haven't gone out in two weeks, so it will be nice to be social for a while.

Last night Bacon, Jarv, and Juniper came over to coach me through cooking. It was a success! I made lemon pepper chicken with quinoa and mixed vegetables. I was a little panicky when I first turned the stove top on because it smelled like gas, but it subsided. I'm really looking forward to cooking more, I'm just not quite ready to do it on my own yet. Tomorrow I'm going to make a Steelers cake for MD, so Bacon is going to hang with me while my oven is on. Baby steps. (Sorry I'm such a freak, guys. Having your non-judgmental support helped a lot!)

MD...I wasn't going to write about him because I know it's getting old, but I can't help it. He's all I think about. It's ridiculous, actually. I'd talk about him for hours if I knew I could do it without getting punched in the facenuts. I'm sure I'm just focusing on him more than usual as a distraction from being sick. Then again, I might be thinking about him the same amount as I usually do, but don't want to admit to myself that I am obsessing. Bygones. Either way, I need a hobby.

I know it's dumb, but I felt like football Sundays were our thing. We met at the beginning of the season and watched at least 10 weeks of games together. Tomorrow it's over. Ideally this is when we start going on actual dates. I'm trying not to think about Valentine's Day.

Okay. Whatever happens, happens. Whatever will be, will be. I'm going to have a great time with him tomorrow, hopefully the Steelers will win, and then Monday I will wake up and have a fabulous week at work. Done and done.

I'm eating oatmeal.

Let's see what happens...

Thingalings

What do Chris Rock, Justin Bieber, John Larroquette, and I have in common? We were all at last night's Knicks game! Hooray! It was so fun that I may become a basketball fan again. I played in high school and enjoyed watching games back then, but haven't been interested since. I miss Pat Riley.

The Gentleman is quickly approaching friend territory. I'm attracted to him, I just can't take the unfunny. Our conversations are so boring! They are very vanilla discussions about work, health, sports, family, friends. I feel like I'm talking to...gosh I can't even think of one person that I don't kid around with. I am sarcastic/silly/jokey with everyone and even I can't make this guy loosen up. SHEESH! It's weird though because we barely spoke during the Knicks game, but I still had a nice time...

OHHHHH. I get it now. I like the companionship. Yeah, I gotta say it's really nice to know that if I wanted to go see a movie, he'd go. MD probably would, too. Dating's fun when there are options.

I worked from home the past two days and I probably will tomorrow, too. I would have today, but I felt like I should go into the office since I haven't spoken to my boss since Tuesday. No one from Biz was there, so it was sort of pointless. Oh well. At least if my boss asks I can say I went. It's so weird to not have my boss up my ass slobbering over his own tongue at my office door everyday. By "weird" I mean "FUCKING RAD".

Working from home has highlighted the fact that Delilah needs a few things:

1. Wireless. I don't want to spend the whole day in my bedroom at my desk.

2. Duh. I was going to say a new and comfortable desk chair, but I guess I don't need that if I get wireless. Maybe a comfy recliner would be better.

3. Bookshelves and cases. This has nothing to do with the new gig, I'm just sick of looking at piles of books everywhere.

4. I WILL TAKE BLIZZARDS OVER HEATWAVES ANY DAY. A very controversial Facebook status. I wish the more snow meant the cooler summer, but I know it doesn't so I'll have to get a better A/C this year.

5. Food. Hold please.

6. More phone minutes. I barely get up to the 450 I have now, but I'm sure once I get into the groove with work I'll need more.

This week has been a good one, except for the sick. This is really getting ridiculous. The latest issue is a horrible headache in the back of my head. I rarely ever get headaches. The only time I did was when I had Lymes disease as a kid. Apparently Lymes can come back at any time, so it's quite possible this is my problem. Then again with symptoms like mine, anything is fucking possible. Jerks.

This morning was pretty rough again, but I felt better after lunch. The "Hold please" for the food was because I am having a rough time eating. I AM eating, I'm just afraid to eat something that will make me sicker. I haven't had any bread for two weeks now. All I've been eating are veggies, eggs, cheese, and chicken. The only sugar has come from a little bit of fruit and ginger ale once in a while. This is probably why I'm getting headaches and dizzy, but I don't know what to do! I was close to eating a cracker before and I stopped myself. I took this Candida saliva test online (I know, I know) and it appears I have it.

Oooo! Science project! Can you try the test and let me know what happens? THANKS!

I don't have a scale so I don't know for sure, but I wouldn't be surprised if I lost about 7 pounds. I wish I had the energy to work out, so that I can firm up too. I'm hoping the test results are in tomorrow. The good news is I will get answers, even if they say nothing is wrong. The bad news is, something definitely is wrong and I don't have the patience to fucking wait any longer. I have things to do people!! Let's get me healthy!!

Oh hell no.

Camping chair = bad idea.

My apartment smells like a six year old West Virginia musty campfire.

D'oh!

Oh hell yeah!

My boss said I can work from home the next two days because of the weather.

I went to bed at 9:30pm, slept until 8:30am, and am now at my desk working.

I made my bed, showered, threw on some fleece pants, and am lounging in a camping chair only because my usual desk chair makes my tailbone hurt and legs fall asleep if I sit in it too long.

This job rules. Oh hell yeah!

I win!

My number of posts for January is more than the number of days in the month. This one doesn't count.

Take that 2009!

Blonde Moment #139

Mark your calendars, people.

Today is the day I finally got why Rip Torn's name is so cool.

Rip. Tear. Torn.

Ohhhh....

The Nothing Weekend 2

I guess it's impossible to have a nothing weekend. I am always doing something, ie sleeping or watching TV*.

I heard from The Gentleman yesterday afternoon. He apologized saying...shit, what did he even say? I don't know, something about not realizing I wanted to meet that early. Then he asked if I wanted to go to a Rangers or Knicks game this coming week. Knicks please! I've never been to a pro basketball game. Score!

I hadn't really eaten all morning since I was waiting on him, so around 2:30pm I decided to go to the diner around the corner by my lonesome. I used to go a lot during my bloody mary phase a few years back. It was acceptable to drink them at noon as long as I was brunching.

While I was waiting for my food (A chicken and feta wrap. I didn't eat the wrap.) I started to feel weird. I really don't know how to describe what I've been feeling all week. It's a combination of fatigue, fog, and disconnection. At the diner I felt something different, sort of like I smoked dust. (No wonder I'm falling apart at 32.) Everything around me looked so real it seemed fake: my salad, the booth, the red shiny snowflakes that spun from the ceiling (they were really there), my hands. Even now as I type this I'm looking at my "fake" iMac and purple walls and wonder when they will seem normal again. It's almost like an absent presence. I'm here, but I'm not.

All of a sudden I started to think I might get up on the table and start howling. Okay, maybe that was a stretch but I did feel like I was going to lose it and make a scene. I had the waiter wrap the rest of my wrap without the wrap and I went home.

I stayed in the rest of the night. I talked on the phone, texted with MD, meditated, wrote, and watched American Beauty. I haven't seen it in years. I forgot how much I love that movie. I cried through most of it. It felt good. Crying always does.

This morning it occurred to me that maybe I haven't had the release I need lately. I obviously made a huge life change this month with leaving Minnow and starting a new career at Biz. I haven't given myself time to reflect on either, mostly because it all happened so fast. I guess I don't know what hit me.

I'm starting to wonder if I am sick. My personal history has shown I make myself physically ill when I'm not psychically balanced. If I don't manage my stress, my body knocks me out and forces me to chill. This frustrates me to no end, which doesn't help the matter.

Today I decided to relax and play it by ear. I already went to the store and did laundry. Bacon came over and watched me cook eggs. Next up is cleaning, some exercising, possibly a walk because it's so gorgeous out, and a couple hours of work. MD and I might hang out a bit later. If not, I'll meet Bakes and Jarv out for dinner. If I feel stressed I will sit with it for as long as I need, then move on with my day.

I'm going to live like I feel well with the hope that maybe I will.


* It feels awkward writing "tv" so I choose to write "TV". Discuss.

The Nothing Weekend

I woke up early to go for bloodwork this morning. The Gentleman and I were going to have breakfast around 11am, but he hasn't returned my call. This is very uncharacteristic of him, based on the 28 days I've known the bloke.

I'm feeling okay, which this week means my head is killing me, I'm wiped out, but I'm functional. I can't wait for "okay" to be back to it's usual definition of "healthy and discontent."

The doctor is testing me for a whole bunch of things: basic panel screenings, mono, anemia, food allergies, household allergies (cockroach is actually included), and autoimmune diseases, including lupus. I know nothing about lupus other than Mercedes on the first season of America's Next Top Model had it and she was tired all of the time. My symptoms are so general that it could be anything, but one thing that stuck out on lupus is a rash on your nose and cheeks. Maybe I don't have rosacea.

And MMMAAAYYBBE I should stop reading Webmd for fuck's sake. It's porn for neurotics.

The doctor also dropped the dreaded "d" word. Depression. Yeah, buddy. I know.

I originally wanted to stay in and do nothing this weekend, but now I'm wondering if I'm better off going out. Not to drink of course, just to be among the living. MD and I might get dinner tomorrow. I still feel like Sunday is our day, even without football (I have zero interest in the Pro Bowl). We'll see.

Geez, The Gentleman is going to need a new nickname if he doesn't call soon. Oh well. I don't think I'm good at liking two people at once anyways.

Three years ago...

I posted this.

I randomly came across it just now. I laughed the hardest at #23.

Yes. The hardest.

Lone Wolf

I was the only Biz person at the NY client office today. Working by myself is fucking awesome. I can't wait until I feel better, so that I can really enjoy this gig!!

This morning was pretty rough. I felt awful, then I had some vegetable soup for lunch and felt great for about two hours. Now I'm tired again. Oh well. I'm going to the doctor's tomorrow morning, so we shall see. I'm assuming he's just going to send me for a lot of bloodwork. Fingers crossed something definitive, curable, and manageable comes up!!

I got my first paystub. My paycheck was way more than I expected only because I don't have insurance, a 401(k), or transit checks deducted yet. I was blown away by the amount. Hurrah!! Luckily it's just in time for this doctor visit. It's probably going to cost a shitload since I'm not technically covered yet. I'll get reimbursed, though.

Juniper asked me what my plans are this weekend. My parents probably won't come up because of the snow, so now all I'm going to do is sleep, watch movies, and work. Perhaps cook too, if Bacon's still available for a lesson.

I would like to see The Gentleman as we haven't hung out in a week. I don't really feel like seeing MD. Nothing against him or anything, I'm just too tired to deal with my feelings for him.

Eh, that's all I got.

Balls and Stuff

Balls.

I wrote "balls" in an email a few minutes ago and now that's all I want to say. BALLS BALLS BALLS BALLS BALLS.

Okay. I'm done.

I'm feeling better, but I still haven't kicked this thing yet. I'm trying to stay positive and not stress about it. I'll figure out what's wrong sooner or later. Preferably sooner. I'm afraid to eat bread or anything with yeast. I'm not sleeping through the night. I look like shit.

I was able to go the office for a few hours yesterday and I made it the whole day in Philly today. My boss was really understanding. Turns out she has some digestive problems, too. Geez, who doesn't? It's pretty amazing how aware I am of bread in the world now. Isn't that dumb? Like today at the Philly train station there was an Auntie Anne's, Au Bon Pain, Cosi, Dunkin Donuts, and a few other random coffee\muffin places. The only place I could get some protein was McDonald's (hold the bun), but I haven't eaten that shit in years so I skipped dinner. Yeah, totally losing weight.

Not feeling well is taking up all of my time and thoughts. I'm trying not to think about it. I'm also trying not to think about boys right now either. I'd like to focus on work, but unfortunately I'm all over the place. Ha! When am I not??

My mom is worried about me, so I invited the parentals up this weekend. I wouldn't mind some babying, to be honest. I like attention!

FYI: Don't drink Philly water.

BALLS!

I hate this.

I went to work, got really nauseous and lightheaded again, and came home at 1pm. I slept until about 4pm and have been sitting here gchatting/trying to do work from home.

I feel like shit. I feel shittier than shit because I'm annoyed, embarrassed, and worried that my bosses are going to be upset with me. I'm supposed to go to Philly tomorrow, but I don't think that's happening.

Yesterday I felt so much better. I ran errands in the morning, ate a protein bar and some turkey slices, then went to Crazy Ass to watch the games. I didn't drink, ate some peanuts, a burger without a bun, some salad, and two french fries. I made it to halftime of the Jets game and had to go home because I was so tired again.

I don't know what's happening and it's really upsetting me. I've been through similar shit so many fucking times only to hear nothing is wrong and it's psychosomatic. Of course that's better than needing surgery or something, but I swear to Shizza if I'm doing this to myself because I can't manage my stress I will kill someone.

I honestly don't think that's the case, though. It really seems to be triggered by food, I just haven't figured out what food yet. I called my doctor today, but he was out. I'll try again later this week.

It's possible I haven't entirely kicked my stomach virus/intestinal flu from a couple weeks ago, but I didn't really believe that diagnosis to begin with. I just can't fucking believe I feel this crappy. The fatigue is like nothing I've ever felt before. I can barely keep my eyes open. My stomach doesn't really hurt. It's just really gurgly and knotted.

Today I ate half a banana and some turkey slices again. I'm trying to stay away from wheat and yeast as best I can, but shit, check out your nutrition labels. Everything has wheat or yeast, even the damn chicken broth I bought to ease my stomach. Gah!

Who knows, maybe I'm not allergic to those things, but it sure seems to be triggered by snackage like chips and pretzels. I was fine the past two weeks, although I was pretty tired Thursday on. Can I really get the flu twice in one month?

The timing of this cannot be any worse. Or maybe it could...I mean, if they were to fire me for being sick my first full week do I really want to work for these people?

Blerg. I hate this!

Week 1 Recap

Ahhhh! Finally I'm ready to write about my first week at Biz. I would have done it yesterday, but I fucked my shit up again.

Friday night I went to poker (I won $6.57! Booyah!). I ate a slice of pizza on the way, then a bunch of chips, pretzels, tomatoes with hummus, and three Guinness at Rockstar's. I didn't think much about what I had eaten until yesterday morning. Halfway through my peanut butter and jelly sandwich on whole grain toast I felt queasy. I thought, maybe I should stop eating this, ignored myself, and finished it. Immediately after I became ridiculously fatigued, nauseous, and a complete menthole. After a three hour nap I felt better, so I invited MD over to watch a movie later on and spent the next two hours cleaning for his arrival. (Delilah was TRASHED.) By the time I was done cleaning I felt like shit again, so I cancelled on him and spent the rest of the night half watching Mamma Mia on TBS and Blades of Glory on ABC. Weird to note, I fell asleep on the couch and woke myself up from snoring. I never snore! I wonder what that means...

I feel okay this morning. I'm a little weak, but I didn't eat anything after the PB&J so I'm sure I just need some fuel. At this point it's pretty obvious I have a food intolerance, I'm just not sure if it's wheat, gluten, or yeast. Maybe it's all of them. There's not much to do by way of diagnosis except good old trial and error. My health insurance hasn't started up yet, so if I went to the doctor's for some tests I'd have to pay everything out of pocket until I can submit a claim for reimbursement. No thanks. All I can do now is avoid food with those ingredients and see how I feel. The problem is practically everyting I like contains wheat and/or yeast! Oh well. At the end of the day, cutting all that shit out is just going to make me healthier and probably lose weight. That's not so bad!

SO. Biz. It's a bit a surreal. It was a conversion week, so all we did was sit in a training room and stare at our computers for eight hours straight. The only time I got up was to go to the bathroom and buy lunch. I've worked like this before, but it's been a while so it was a bit exhausting thinking this hard. The good news is I was able to jump right in and help validate data and update the user test plan. I'm really proud of myself. While I don't know anything about law and only a little finance, I do know how to be an analyst. I caught some issues, raised some questions, and already got praise for contributing. Oh and it turns out my bosses are moving upstate, so they want me to be the face of the Philly project. I'm supposed to head down there on Tuesday to meet everyone. Crazy!

I have two favorite moments from this week. One, I told one of the developers I love Peppermint Patties so she bought a whole bag. Two, I had to go to another building on 59th and Madison to get my ID. I was on the 23rd floor in a conference room with a GORGEOUS view of Central Park. I felt so special, almost like I had made it or something.

My least favorite thing so far is the 53rd and 5th station on the E/M line. I've avoided this station for years. I don't know if it is the deepest one (heh), but there are so many stairs down it feels like I'm entering the bowels of hell. I'll probably still take it though as it's only five stops from me in Queens and is the closest one to our client office. I'll avoid it once it gets warmer out.

Blah. I'm tired again. This sucks!! Stupid fucking eating problem thingie!

Thinking makes me tired.

I'm beat! It's just after 9pm and I'm ready to turn in for the night. Thinking makes me tired.

So do boys. I met up with my college friends Blancs and Satan for drinks last night. It was so great to see them! I was good and only had two beers. FMI*: a couple sips of Ommegang Three Philosophers made my head hurt. I couldn't even finish it. Must find the cause of my allergic reaction!

We met at a bar near MD's office, so he came out too. It was the first time we hung out in the city and the first time I saw him in a suit (he's in finance). HOT. Totally hot and he was really charming and comfortable in what could have been an uncomfortable situation (it's usually hard to keep up with a group of old friends). He also paid for me, which I was not expecting at all. I am really happy he joined us.

We took a cab back to the hood and to go to Crazy Ass. He wanted to change first, so yada yada, we made out. I could kiss him for years.

Tonight I had dinner with The Gentleman who's been out of town since Saturday. It was nice to see him. Weirdly enough, the two of them sort of look alike. Not at first glance, but they have the same shaped head and smile. I guess I do have a type other than a spotted ginger.

The Gentleman is busy this weekend, which works out well since I'll probably watch football with MD on Sunday. GM and I have tentative plans for next Tuesday, but I might be at a client's office in Philly next week. (I will write about work tomorrow. Quick version: GAHYAYWOWHOLYCRAPI'MACONSULTANT.)

I decided I'm going to date both of them for a while. I also decided I am not going to have sex with them anymore. After years of whoring I have one rule: only sleep with one guy between periods so that I don't end up on Maury. Truthfully I'd rather be with MD of course, but since I already hooked up with GM this month I can't be with MD until February. I know it sounds dumb, but a rule's a rule. In a couple of weeks I'll reevaluate to see which one I really want to be with.

The other reason I don't want to hook up with both of them is because of a new development - sex feels intimate and special to me again for the first time since PJ.

For the past decade all I've experienced were one night stands and friends with benefits, not someone I consistently slept with for months. Tat came close and while we had intimacy, we didn't have sex that often for a huge reason. Being with MD and only MD since September renewed this feeling again. I know this is probably why I'm falling in love with him...

Patti Stanger seems to have it right. Sex can complicate things and at this point, I have enough to get sorted without it. I want to be with MD, but he's not available. I like The Gentleman, but I'm not sure if I'm truly available because of my feelings for MD. Plus, I have enough on my mind with money and my job.

Right now I want things to be simple, light-hearted, and fun. There was a point in my life where this would include sex, but that's all changed now. I'm glad.


*FMI: For my information, when I reread this one day.

It was great!

I am soooo tired. I had insomnia last night and am pretty sure I finally fell asleep around 5am. Ouch! I used to get mad and cry when I couldn't sleep back in the day. Now I know it's just what I do when I'm excited, so I guess it's a good sign!

Before I pass out at 7:30pm, I just wanted to say my first day was great. Nerd great. It was me and five other dorks sitting in a training room looking at data, writing queries, and updating conversion maps. I am so happy I decided to make this my full-time gig rather than settle for part-time side projects my bosses don't/won't/can't understand.

I'll write more this week of course. Right now I need my bed!

I do want to say a quick thanks to Furbie and Tron, my ex-work husbands. Furbie taught me how to use Access, write SQL, kept me as sane as he could when I was at Company, and convinced me I should take this gig. Tron has been my own personal cheerleader since we met last summer. If it wasn't for him I wouldn't have met the recruiter who got me this job, nor would I have the confidence to go for it. Thanks guys. I owe yas big time!

Wish me luck, monkeys!

Tomorrow's the big first day at Biz! I'm nerv-cited!! GAH! I have no idea what I'm in store for, so I keep calling it an adventure.

No matter what happens I am so incredibly grateful I have the chance to try something new and was able to leave Minnow. I'm already starting to forget I even worked there once. Friday was ten years ago.

The Gentleman sent me a very nice text wishing me good luck tomorrow. I expected it, which shows how thoughtful and reliable he already is only two weeks in.

I did NOT expect MD to do the same. I hoped he would, but I hoped he'd do a lot of things. I was so shocked and happy that I cried, naturally.

This is such a lovely week! The Jets and Steelers are in the playoffs, I've gotten some positive attention from two nice guys (one vocal, the other mute although he seems to be coming out of his shell), Biz, dinner with the Company girls tomorrow, dinner with college friends Wednesday, and pokher Friday. Life is good!!

Thanks Bacon!

Bakes just texted me this quote: "An ending doesn't have to be sad. It's the only way to begin something new."

I like it.

Want

If you haven't noticed, I am a bit of a tomboy. A tomboy who cries a lot. The stereotypical girly things like make-up, fashion, and Hollywood are not my bag, although I do want to make an effort to be more feminine this year.

Well, this may be the girliest post of all time.

I really want these two dresses. Gorgeous!

You will find true love on Flag Day

I hung out with MD this weekend. I wrote a post about him when I was drunk at 2:30am this morning, then deleted it when I woke up. I rarely delete posts, but I was embarrassed and uncomfortable with what I wrote.

What did I write? I think I'm in love with him.

(The audience groans.)

Believe me. I do NOT want this to be the case. I know he doesn't love me back. It hurts.

We watched the Steelers game yesterday, the Jets game today, and True Grit this evening. Bakes and Juniper were with us, so it wasn't datey or anything. We did hold hands through the movie, though. I melted.

He kissed me last night at the bar and I made myself leave right after. It was so hard to walk away, but I know I won't get over him if we keep hooking up.

I was upset last night and this morning for a bit, but I'm okay now. I want to try to be friends. I care about him too much to cut him out completely.

Sigh. Is it Flag Day yet?

If he only knew.

Fanboy IMed me this the other day:

"you know of all the girls I met on the internet, you def rank highest in the smarts and most mentally together categories"

If he only knew.

In related news, I hate "def" unless you're texting on an ancient blue phone like mine. I hate "definately" more though!

DE-FINITE PEOPLE!

Please sleep!

I'm cracked out wide awake overtired.

I went over to The Gentleman's apartment last night for the first time. He lives with his cousin and brother, which is a little strange because most of the guys I've dated live alone. It's been so long since I had a roommate that I forgot how bittersweet it is: cheaper rent and a constant party vs. chore fights and a constant party.

We probably fell asleep around 2:30am. I sort of fake slept though as his roomies partied in the living room until 6am. They are very cool and entertaining, so it wasn't annoying or anything. I was just bummed that I couldn't sleep. My goal this weekend is to rest, watch football, and go shopping for new work clothes. Unfortunately now I'm too tired to go shopping before the 4pm game, but too awake to nap. Blerg. My revised plan for today is laundry, cleaning, bills, games, bed by 11pm. Score.

I was telling my friend Brawny about how nice The Gentleman is, the latest example being how he emailed me yesterday to say "I hope you have a great last day at work!" So sweet. Brawny's reply: "He sounds great and all, but that's how it should be."

Tat and The Gentleman went/go out of their way to make me feel special. They are communicative, generous, polite, romantic, and all around nice guys. I've dated so many pesky pandas in between that I forgot these basic qualities should be the norm, not a rarity. I realize now if a guy truly does care about me, he shows it. End of story.

The Gentleman tells me I'm beautiful, says he likes hanging out with me, and is quick to make plans for next time. He invited me over last night because he's going skiing for a week and wanted to see me before he left. When I was getting ready to leave this morning he gave me a big hug and said, "I'll definitely talk to you before Tuesday, but good luck at your new job. You will be great."

He is saying and doing everything I wished MD did. This amazes me in The Secret sort of way.

Now the bad news. I'm not sure if The Gentleman and I are a good fit. It saddens me to say this, but there is one thing that's off. The Gentleman hasn't made me laugh yet. I don't recall him even trying to make a funny. This is bothersome as all I am are one-liners and poop jokes. The right guy for me will not only support my schtick, but join it. Hell, maybe even make me funnier (if that's possible, fa!). I'm definitely not ready to throw in the towel yet, but it is something I'm concerned about. There is a dumb Match.com commercial with some girl on a horse talking about how she wants to find "a goof for her ball." I hate that I like that line, but that's how I feel.

Universe, you've been listening loud and clear lately so here is an updated list for my blurple balloon: open, honest, communicative, kind, thoughtful, generous, polite, trustworthy, funny, smart, positive, charming, successful, sexy, direct, strong, ginger, freckly...

I could go on for days, but I'm finally ready to take a nap.

Thanks Bears!

My Bear Family friends sent me the cutest gift, a huge fortune cookie with this written inside:

"Wherever you go, go with all your heart. - Confucius. We are so proud of you for not being afraid to try something new and know you'll find success in whatever you do."

I cried. THANK YOU SO MUCH GUYS! It was completely unexpected, totally appreciated, and as big as my head. Heh.

Drunk in 2011

This is the first time I'm drunk in 2011. Technically I went to bed at 4:30am on January 1st, but whatever. Since then I had a stomach flu/intestinal virus/ulcer/smackdown so this is my first enjoyable buzz all year.

Tonight was my going away party from Minnow. What can I say other than I like the people I like and I hate the people I hate. The latter won't matter (rhyme!) and the former I'll see regularly anyway.

Biz is the fifth company and seventh position I've had in ten years. I should be a champ at leaving/transitioning by now. It's different this time around, though. I don't know if it's an age thing or what, but I don't actually feel like I have a new job yet. I'm sure it has to do with the fact that I was sick last week. Everything's been a bit surreal...

Am I typing right now? Is this making sense? Goddamn, I love my Guinness. Please don't take it away!!

PS I like The Gentleman. I wasn't sure if I did, but I do now. Yay!

Idahold Me

Someone left a floater the size and shape of a potato in my second favorite work toilet today. I stared at it in awe. It was science and magic combined.

Who was this chick? Are we friends? If not, why? Is she Irish? What did she eat? Did it hurt? Did she know? She had to have known. You can't drop a deuce like that without flinching. We have automatic flushers, but why didn't she check to make sure it went down? I always check. Was she showing it off? Was it my going away present? Did she have a lot on her mind? How could she think about anything else? It's all I can think about...

Forget it. I don't want to know. I'm leaving Minnow in two days. It...we...we can never be...

She's the one who got away.

The end of an era.

I made this my Facebook status today...

Dear Publishing career,

Thank you for Summer Fridays, a zillion free books I will never read, my time at Company, hangover-friendly workloads, and all of my amazing friends. It was one hell of a decade!

Love, Me

...and got this response:

Dear Thighs,

We will miss crushing your spirit and making you run around in circles, chasing your own tail. We're very disappointed that you've finally found a job in which you may actually realize your potential. Don't let the door hit you on the way out.

Signed --

Publishing

Thanks for the laugh, Furbie!! It's funny because it's true.

Soooo...

I sort of thought The Gentleman might be um, too gentlemanly and tame in the hooking up department.

I was wrong.

Very, very wrong.

YAY!

Slow Your Roll!

I woke up this morning and thought, "I'M NOT SICK! WOO HOO!" I felt like my normally abnormal self.

Today was a good day. I was pretty busy at work trying to catch up from the two days I was out, plus writing up all of my process documentation. Of course my bosses haven't given any thought to an exit plan. This means that everything I do today will basically not be done tomorrow. I love contributing to nothing.

I made it the whole day with only some minor fatigue, but other than that I felt fine. Now I'm home having a bit of a panic attack, probably because I've been too sick to freak out over all the change coming my way. Actually I think that's why I was able to make it through the worst of my flu/bug/virus whatever last week. The excitement and adrenaline of making my decision, giving my notice, and meeting The Gentleman kept me on autopilot until my body said, "You're sick, asshole." and knocked me out.

My heart is racing and I feel a poo coming. Maybe I should exercise instead of type.

Afternoon Update

Coffee was dumb. My stomach is fine, but now I'm caffeineurotic. I need to leave my apartment before I gnaw on it.

Sushi date with The Gentleman is Tuesday. Yay!

I just read my offer letter again. It is lovely. Somehow I managed to overlook that my new title is Financial Systems Consultant. FANCY!

I am saddened by the Giants fucking blowing it this year, but I am psyched the Jets are in the playoffs!! It's nice to have two teams to cheer for, except when they both lose. I considered resurrecting the Boobie Bowl this year, but I think those days are over. The bad thing about always starting new jobs in the first quarter of the year is that I can't take off the day after the superbowl. Ah shit. Or St. Patty's Day. Damn. If I ever start my own company, those days are paid holidays FO' SURE.

Bed-Hopping Floosie

I've been in my apartment for almost 72 hours straight, jumping from my sofa-bed to watch television during the day to my bed-bed for sleeping at night. I am bored. I'm never bored and I am really friggin bored.

Bored looks funny the more you stare at it: bored bored bored bored bored bored bored. Am I spelling it right?

I feel much better now, although my stomach is still gurgling a lot. Stupid fucking flu or whatever it is. Maybe it's hunger gurgles. I haven't really been eating. I totally lost weight this week. Yay me!

I'm about to go for a walk and get some coffee. I hope the coffee doesn't hurt. Maybe it will be the extra push to get this shit out. Literally. Heh.

Today's the first day I didn't wake up all red in quite a while. Maybe the rash is related to being sick? This better be the last time I'm sick all fucking year. I'll kill a bitch if it isn't!!

Ugh. I got nothing new to say. I watched Kick-Ass again and Hit Girl is still one of my favorite characters of all time. I also watched The Wedding Planner and it is still one of the shittiest movies of all time. A few years ago I was waiting for friends at McSorley's (I can't remember who) and I chatted up the guy next to me. His name was Matt. Really cute and gruffy, but too petite for me. Anyways, he and his friend ended up joining my group at a table. Later on I said to him, "You know, you really do look like Matthew McConaughey." He and his friend laughed so hard that it still makes me wonder if it actually was him. Whoops! I believe this was pre-bongo and shirt always off M.M., so sue me.

Speaking of Matts, MD texted me with the usual Friday "What r u doing tonight?" at a time early enough to not be considered a standard booty call, but late enough to remind me he doesn't want a relationship. Blerg.

The Gentleman emailed and texted me a couple of times to see how I was feeling. So sweet! We said we'd go out for sushi once I feel better and I'm thinking I can rally to do that tonight. The restaurant is right down the block from Delilah, so I should be able to handle it. Might need to avoid the wasabi though. Ha! I typed "wasabbit" on accident first.

I can't believe this is my last week at Minnow! Tennis asked that I document all of my processes before I leave. I pretty much have everything documented already. What can I say? I love to write even when it's nerdy stuff. I hope I feel well enough this week to enjoy my friends' company, get everything I want to get done, and have fun at my going away party on Thursday. Oh yeah, if anyone wants to come and meet these fools, shoot me and email!

I love therapy.

I really, really do. However, I love this commercial too.

Asshat

I just realized I've been writing "balling" instead of "bawling" all of these years. I know my grammar ain't great, but I hate when I misspell, even when I'm making up words.

I blame my accent.


Question.


Do I have an accent?

Oh and...

I also have rosacea. I thought so. I'm more red and splotchy than usual lately. My mutant skin has turned into perma-drunk skin.

Speaking of drinking, I believe I am allergic to yeast. I've noticed for a couple of months now I can't drink the high alcohol content beers I love. I started New Year's Eve off with a Dogfish Head and I couldn't even finish it. The Donkey Down was my last craft beer day.

The only beer I've been able to handle is Guinness, which is totally fine by me. I've always been a Guinness girl. I checked online and it looks like there isn't much yeast in it since it's a low ABV beer. Phew! While I just wrote I need to live a healthier lifestyle, I am not quite ready to become an O'Doul's girl yet.

When it counts.

After such a lovely date with The Gentleman, I thought I'd have a lovely morning gushing about him. Yeah...not so much.

My stomach was really fucked this weekend and all day Monday. I wasn't in pain, though. My whole abdomen was sore when I moved and to the touch and I was very lightheaded. Tuesday and Wednesday I felt a lot better, although I was struggling to keep my focus at times. It feels like I'm in a fog and the lights can go out any second. I also haven't been hungry at all, which for my 180 pound ass is a definite issue. My steak dinner last night went half uneaten. Blasphemy!

This morning I woke up and felt extra out of it. My stomach was okay, but I was super nauseous and spaced out. I figured it would pass, so I made myself go to work. Plus, as a single person with no roommates, sometimes I'd rather the shit hit the fan in public instead of passing out alone in my apartment.

Well pass out I almost did. The subway ride made me ten times more nauseous and woozy. All I kept thinking is "Just get to work. Just get to work." Breen and Ceej knew I haven't been feeling well, so at least they could explain my symptoms to a doctor should I keel over on my desk.

When I finally got to my office I started bawling. I knew I had to go to the hospital and I was so incredibly embarrassed about it. I know it's silly, but I feel like I'm ALWAYS at the doctor between implants bursting and panic attacks and thyroid stuff, so for me to go back AGAIN was too much. I'm fucking 32 not 82! Damn it Ruth Clare!

Rockstar works at Minnow so I called her, since a) she's one of my best friends and b) she used to have Crohn's really bad and would know what hospital to go to. Without hesitation she got me in cab and off we went to St. Luke's Roosevelt. I was admitted and sort of diagnosed with a virus, possibly an intestinal flu.

FLU!?!?! The fucking flu! I seriously thought I had a bleeding ulcer or something. Thank god I don't, but the flu?!?! I started crying again because I felt even more embarrassed than before. I didn't think I was a pussy, but I guess I am!

It gets better. I had called my parents when I was still at work. Unbeknownst to me, my dad hopped on the first train from NJ and came to the hospital. I started crying AGAIN, this time because I am fortunate.

I don't know if they consistently read this and my dad doesn't at all (please God), but I am so thankful to have such good friends and family. People who will be there when it counts. I've been happily crying all day about it because I realized that I am so blessed to have a phone full of people who would drop anything if I needed them. Ceej and Breen helped calm me down at the office and validated that I should go to the hospital. Rocks sat with me for two hours in the ER. My dad not only travelled from New Brunswick to Manhattan, but also got me in a cab home to Queens, went out to get me ginger ale and crackers, took mass transit back to New Brunswick, and then drove the hour home to Jackson. I feel lucky and guilty at the same time.

The reason I wrote "sort of diagnosed" is the doctor explained there isn't a real diagnosis or treatment for viral infections. I have to let it run its course. I still think it was triggered by a food allergy or a digestive issue, but what do I know.

Actually I do know some things. I know I binge drink, eat poorly, don't exercise, and overstress. I wasn't planning on making any resolutions this year because I never keep them, but after this awful week it's pretty obvious what I have to do. I have to live a healthier lifestyle.

I thought the timing really sucked with the new gig and The Gentleman, but then I remembered I don't believe in timing. If I did, I'd have to say it's perfect. I might have spent my last week at Minnow going out for drinks every night, eating pub grub, and staying out late, slowly making myself sick for my first week at...shit what should I call this new place? I'll call it Biz. I really have no idea what I'm in store for at Biz, so I need to bring my A+ game right off the bat. Not that I wouldn't anyway, but I think I'm going right to a client's office my first day. I definitely want to feel better by then!

So that was my day. Shit always be interesting in these parts!