It's about that time!

Every six months or so I have some exciting new health issue to deal with. Fucking clockwork.

Okay, so maaaayyybe I've had discomfort in my left breast for the past oh, I don't know, eight months. It bothers me if I lay on my left side. What have I done about it? Easy - not slept on my left side.

For some reason it was killing me Sunday night. I tossed and turned and just couldn't get comfortable. It happened last night, too but now the pain has moved from my boob to my chest and entire upper back. Possible reasons:

1. Funbag problems. Well I've had enough of those. One day I'll share that story. I've wasted enough time massaging them myself, so mammogram and ultrasound on Thursday.

2. Pulled a muscle. The only physical activity I've done in the past week is drink, so unless beers are getting heavier I don't see how I could have pulled something. Maybe it's one of those "old person" injuries that occur from doing something routine. I did carry a bag of laundry on Saturday. I always yank my window open. I recall doing some form of the chicken dance for quite a while at Juniper's party. I do not recall much else after.

3. Nutrition. I went to the doctor today to make sure I didn't have walking pneumonia (it hurts to breathe, you never know). In the waiting room this 300 pound woman was complaining that she didn't know what was wrong with her stomach. Here's a bitchy idea: You're 300 pounds!! (So mean!) As soon as the thought popped into my mind I realized the same thing for myself. I drink too much and I'm 25 pounds overweight. Of course shit's gonna break from time to time.

4. My bad posture. It seems to be getting worse. Must remedy.

5. My all time favorite...stress. Oh psycho-somatic illnesses, what would my life be like without you? I'll be pretty fucking pissed if this is the reason again, which obviously isn't helping my anxiety levels. It is annoying, though. I finally feel like I'm getting my emotional and mental stress in check! I meditate a lot more. I write in my journal more. I'm breaking things down until I get to the root of the problem. I'm detaching myself from work. I'm enjoying my personal time. If this is stress-related I'm really not sure what more I can do about it. Running seemed to help, but the last thing my boob and back need is a jog.

Man, am I in pain right now. It feels like someone stabbed a rotating stake through my heart. Oh for Christ's sake...if this is me manifesting my emotional heartache of late until something tangible I swear to Shizza I'm going to punch myself in the face.

I'm really dramatic when I don't feel well.

Lie.

I'm always dramatic.

Scratch that...2010 Guy Success!

Now that I've sobered up I realized this isn't a guy fail year at all. In fact, I'm actually feeling a bit successful. I've loved, I've lost, and I'm lifing. There's no failure in that! I'm getting closer and closer to my blurple balloon.


Ed Note: Yes, I should have written "living" instead of "life-ing" because it's not a word, but I feel that lifing is a more exciting version of living. Plus this is my blog and I will make up words whenever I damn well propensiate.

Propensiate is another word I manujaggered.

Manujaggered is a dollom of brotysmal porabutions.

I will now shucumble myself into a tirabble.

Good day my lahoyens!

2010 Guy Fail

Geez...

Tat has a girlfriend.

Mick chose the bar girl.

And while looking at pictures of Grape's kid, Facebook just informed me that Banana is still with Orange.

I sure as fuck hope I'm not doomed to be single and/or the other woman for the rest of eternity.

It's only August. Here's hoping I can turn this guy fail of a year around...

You and Your Johnson

Aww...that's why.

I was just reapplying my Noxzema when I realized why the smell gives me the warm and fuzzies. Obviously if I was out in the sun I must have been having some fun (rhyme!), but I think it's more than that...

My mom was always nice to me when I was sunburned. It was probably her guilt for not protecting me from skin cancer, but whatever. She was nice.

Happy Bridge Day!

Bella and I were going to make our summer Friday a Brooklyn Day, complete with a walk over the bridge, Grimaldi's, Warhol exhibit at the museum of art, and the botanical gardens. She ended up going to Philly though so we postponed it for a later date (let me know if you'd like to join!).

When I woke up and saw how beautiful it was out this morning, I decided I couldn't pass up the non-disgusting weather and did part of Brooklyn Day on my own. I walked over the Brooklyn Bridge, then walked back over the Manhattan one. Thus, Bridge Day!

I can't believe I've never walked over the Brooklyn Bridge before. It is GORGEOUS. Today was GORGEOUS. You're all GORGEOUS. It was the perfect way to spend a beautiful day outside. Check out my pics.* My favorite:



After the bridge walk I headed over to Grimaldi's for some famous brick-oven pizza. Unfortunately, they don't serve slices and I didn't want to get stuck lugging a pie around town, so all I did was use their bathroom. I finally made it there only to pee.

I did get some ice cream at the Brooklyn Ice Cream Factory and a taco at the Calexico stand. DELISH. I am obsessed with finding good tacos. The steak one is the bomb. Oh and the Brooklyn Bridge Park is really nice. You should go to there.

Dumbo is pretty cool. I like how youthful and creative it feels, at least on the two blocks I walked down to get to the Manhattan Bridge. The MB isn't as nice as the BB, but it has some cool views.

On my way home I stopped off at Midtown Comics to buy some random issues I needed and the last installment of Scott Pilgrim. I hope it's crappy out my next summer Friday, August 13th because I will probably be in the theater all day. Both Scott Pilgrim vs. The World and The Expendables open. I CANNOT WAIT. Romantic geekism and old man action star carnage. Best movie day all year!

Now I'm a bit bored, something I rarely am! I should clean and do laundry. I discovered a bag of clothes in my closet waiting to be hand-washed or dry cleaned for at least three years now. I found six shirts I forgot I owned. Score! I'd also like to go on my roof and read, but I got a lot of sun today. I'm usually really good with the sunscreen, but I missed two big spots on my back right under my shoulders. I really should stop wearing tanktops because my "tan" lines are looking pretty ridiculous. Maybe I should get some tube tops** or something. I'm covered in Noxzema right now. It's a surprisingly fond olfactory memory of my childhood, surprising because I was usually painfully burnt with the cold sweats whenever I had it on. Ah, the life of an albino.

What to do, what to do. Tomorrow will be a big day, a lovely visit with Leeks and the Mighty Cale at the beer garden and Juniper's 30th birthday party. Happy Birthday, Juniper! Happy Birthday to Tobly, too! (Not sure if you read this...I'm sorry I'm missing your party of gayness!)

Oooo...yesterday could have been a really crappy day at work. My boss's boss's boss actually ripped up an analysis I ran because he didn't like it. Can you believe that? He also throws things, makes racist and sexist remarks, and is a full on psychopath. Fun, right? The reason I said it "could have been" crappy is because I chose to not let it bother me. When I got back to my desk I went on gmail and my friend Jase's status said "Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional." Once I read that I chose not to suffer and was fine. I've been doing this a lot lately - consciously deciding how I want to respond to a situation. It makes me feel so much better! It's not about ignoring feelings, it's about being mindful of them and the situation itself. I could have been upset, but why? What would that accomplish? I've known this job isn't for me, I've known he is a very damaged man, and I know that one day I'll forget I even worked at Minnow. So why get worked up? It's just not worth it.

You read that?? I conquered my job mania! Yay! Now if only I could be this zen when it comes to love and dating...siiigh...

Oh and I totally need to go to the beach soon. I was DYING to go for a swim in the East River. That's how you know I really miss the ocean.

Double oh, I totally want to start playing pool a lot again. I miss that, too.

Triple oh, I'm not bored anymore! It's time for some Avatar. Not only did I want to swim in the East River, but I tried to waterbend it, too.

It totally worked.




*Is there a better site to use than Picasa? I hate that you have to upload the pictures one by one. Am I missing something?

**Do people still say tube tops? I call purses "pocketbooks" so I guess it really doesn't matter...

Go to bed!

It's after 1am. I shouldn't be writing. I should be in bed. I know once I pop I won't stop, just like Pringles.

I'm drunk. No I'm not. I'm tired, but I did have four beers tonight so it's like beer-tired vs. tired-tired. I tried to figure out how many beers I drank in the last 10 years. I estimate I drink about 12 a week now, which means I probably averaged 18 a week in my early twenties. Why does 7,800 beers seem like so few??

Last night with Mick was great. Exactly what I wanted. We finally said everything we wanted to say to each other. I've liked him this whole time and was too much of a pussy to admit it, so instead I did stupid things to fight my feelings. I haven't shared this yet, but I was a bit of an asshole to him a couple of times, too. Like the time I wrote this long random email about how I didn't want anything serious with him or the time we were making out and I asked if he'd mind if I dated one of his friends. Yeah, I'm a schmuck. We've been equally schmucky to each other. Maybe this makes us soulmates. Schmuckmates. It's sad to think we sabotaged our relationship before it got a chance to start.

I'm not quite sure what will happen next. Probably nothing as he's dating that girl now. I guess this is for the best because I'm still a bit of a mess. (Rhyme?) As I wrote in my last post I realized that I've been scared shitless to date since Tat and Banana. Reasons I'm scared: having to break up with someone, having someone dump me, and getting married. So basically I'm scared of every possible dating outcome. Not good.

I decided I need to break through my fears, so this evening I made myself call that bartender from Saturday night, the one with the same real name as Banana. Let's call him Fiver, as he wrote his phone number on a five dollar bill. I left him a message and he called back about an hour later saying I should pop by the bar. I thought it was a little weird to go see him after having such a nice time with Mick last night, but I went anyways.

Um, Fiver is hot. Off the boat Irish hot. And he talked to me a lot too, not like the Crazy Ass owner I went to see a few weeks ago. Did I write about that? Crazy Ass owner told me to come by the bar so we can hang out and get to know each other. I went and he talked to me for all of seven minutes, then ignored my presence for the next twenty. It was really weird. Luckily Fiver was very attentive and cool, so I had a good time. Then this really sexy Black Irish girl came in (you know, pale skin and dark hair) and I almost creamed myself. She oozed sex. Seriously. Maybe she was a vampire. I couldn't take my eyes off of her and she couldn't take her eyes off of Fiver, so I knew I was screwed. He went over to talk to her and they were pretty touchy feely so yeah, done done little done done. At least I got free beer out of him.

Man, I don't know what it was about that girl. I wanted to be her and caress her. I guess that means I want to caress myself? I do have unusually soft skin for someone who doesn't moisturize. Maybe it's the sunscreen.

Fiver said he'd call me. I don't know, those two looked kind of cozy but maybe hot people are just like that. Also I do have the no dating bartenders or actors rule. After I hooked up with Krull a couple of years ago I realized my hours aren't flexible enough and I'm not secure enough to date a bartender. And actors are just fucking annoying. I wish they had an off button.

What an interesting boy week so far...is it only Wednesday? Oh wait, technically it's Thursday now. Yay for fake Friday (I have off real Friday)!

Alrighty, I'm off to bed. Good night, schmuckmates!

I don't feel like writing.

So I'm not going to.

I was watching a rerun of The Office earlier, an old Valentine's Day one where Phyllis gets a ton of gifts from Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration and Michael goes to the Dunder Mifflin headquarters in NY. Interesting to note: the headquarters is actually Minnow's building. He walked right into the lobby, but he went up the bank side and not our side. Even fictional characters don't want to go to there.

That was mean. GET THIS. Tennis and I went out for drinks after work on Friday. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT??? I finally figured out if I keep my cool and act like he's my friend, he'll be nice to me. Buy-me-five-Guinness nice!!

The chair I'm sitting on makes my butt all sweaty and my legs fall asleep. I have to take off my pants and sit on a pillow if I'm going to be on the computer for more than a half hour. It's been 38 minutes. You're welcome.

Last week was low-key. I came right home after work every night, except Friday. I made up for my weekday non-drinking that night and on Saturday, too. Bakes and I had one of our monthly Astoria pub crawls. We met at 1pm and parted ways at 1am. It was a fun day. Thank god for her quote book. I would have forgotten such gems as "foot vagina" in regards to this friggin' informercial I can't find anywhere online and Miller High Life's new spiritual nickname Mi-Hi-Li. When ordering place your hands in prayer position and bow your head as you chant.

It was FINALLY cool enough to go for a run this morning. Yay! This summer blows. I hate this weather. I'd move to California if it wasn't for the driving and the earthquakes and the bars closing early and the weird lack of sarcasm and the...oh, nevermind.

I'm watching Avatar: The Last Airbender. It is such an amazing cartoon. I'm only halfway through the first season and I already love it. Getting rid of my cable was a great call. Now I'm actually watching shows that are worth watching.

Today's my dad's birthday. I feel a little guilty about not going down to NJ yesterday, but I needed a day to myself at home. I cleaned, watched tv, listened to some Sabbath, sat on my roof, meditated, wrote. It was a good day.

Tomorrow night I'm meeting some friends after work for a bit, then meeting Mick in the hood after. It's the first time we're hanging out all month. I'm so glad I'll finally see him and get it over with. If you haven't noticed I tend to get a bit worked up about things, analyze the shit out of my feelings, then need immediate closure. Well I sorted my feelings and realized what all this was about: I haven't been trusting myself.

Ending it with Tat was really hard for me. It took me a good month and a half to finally go through with it. I had to be sure breaking up was what needed to happen. I didn't want to hurt him if it was just me being scared. When I did make the decision, it felt empowering. Not to hurt him, of course. I felt empowered because I trusted myself and took action.

Unfortunately, the feeling didn't last long because a month later I was hurt by Banana. I truly believed he was the one for me, that fate brought us together again, blah blah blah. Obviously he wasn't. I'm wondering if somewhere in my mind I decided that if I was so incredibly wrong about him, then I shouldn't trust myself anymore. This might be why I've been so complacent about my job, wishy washy about Mick, and flakier than usual. (Yes I know I'm flaky, which is such a flake thing to say.)

I figured this out yesterday after meeting a guy Saturday night who has the same name as Banana. Real name obviously. It made me think about what connected the three experiences. I broke Tat's heart (he's over it), Banana broke mine (I'm over it, today anyways), and I didn't bother to take the time to sort out my feelings about Mick to ultimately avoid either of us from having a broken heart. I guess it worked, but as I mentioned before, being honest with myself and each other would have been much easier.

I also thought about names in general. How I'm drawn to guys with Tat's real name, how Mick and Red have the same real name and have brought deep feelings and truths out of me. How Furball and Mr. J have the same real name and my feelings for them are similar as well. Granted they all have very common names and not everyone I've met with those monikers have impacted me, but I do think it's interesting. It reminds me of the time my college roommate Katy and I went to a psychic. She asked Katy to think about her boyfriend. When the psychic described him and their relationship it was a strange combination of her ex and current boyfriends who were both named Eric. I wondered if all Katy's energy was sending out the message "Eric", maybe the psychic couldn't separate the two. It's just an idea...

Eh whatever. I don't feel like writing. I'll go look for the foot vagina video instead. I will find it goddamnsonuva!

Something's not right about the tagline...

I hate you, heatwave!

I love to walk around the city. I also like to run now, too. I haven't done either BECAUSE IT'S BEEN FUCKING 90,000 DEGREES FOR WHAT FEELS LIKE AN ETERNITY AND I DON'T WANT TO BE OUTSIDE TO DEAL WITH THIS STUPID FUCKING HEATWAVE.

Jerks!

Facebook vs. Thighs

If we're Facebook friends you might be wondering why I don't just link to Thighs to share my pictures. I can't because of all the guys I pine over/complain about. It wouldn't be fair to them to find out about my blog that way. Plus the new thing to do when you start dating someone is to friend them and having a guy read this before he gets to know me is a bit much. I've learned from past experience. FINALLY.

Pittsburgh!

The trip was fun! Pittsburgh is much cooler than I thought it would be. Actually I barely knew anything about the city except that it bleeds black and gold. It turns out that besides Steelers fans, Pittsburgh is filled with bridges, churches, french fries, and craft beer. Yes, please!

Check out my pics! The rundown:

1. Drive wasn't bad at all. Decent rental, good tunes, and AC that didn't slow the car down. I'd say travel time was about 20 hours in total, including stoppage time.

2. One of the stops was to Troegs Brewery in Harrisburg. We didn't do the tour, but we did partake in the sampler. We thought it would be a shot glass of each beer on tap, but to our pleasant surprise we got about 4oz per glass. And it only cost $8!!

3. Cool architecture galore!

4. The Andy Warhol Museum was very cool as well. We couldn't take any pictures inside, so I found this video to share one of my favorite exhibits. It's called Silver Clouds. I giggled the whole time.



5. BEERBEERBEER! There were so many to choose from! Ones to mention are Stone 14th Anniversary Empirical IPA and my new favorite, Rogue John John Juniper. We also drank $2.50 Genesee Cream Ales to even things out.

6. I keep writing "we" without sharing who WE were! Thanks to Rocks and Bakes for coming with me on another baseball adventure. I had a blast! You're both great company!

7. FOODFOODFOOD! Pittsburghers (is that what they are called?) put french fries on everything, even salad. YES. SALAD. I will prove this once Bakes uploads her pictures. Granted we were at a place called EatnPark, but still.

Primanti's puts fries and coleslaw right on their sandwiches. It was good, but the Rutgers Grease Trucks are better. I definitely recommend Fathead's for their million item menu and craft beer selection.

8. The bar crowds were either really young or really old. People between 26 and 40 did not seem to exist in Pittsburgh. If they do, they were at home with their spouses and children. Or, you know, just drinking at a different bar. We did hit around seven though...

9. I am really good at this. Punching: $3.


10. We stayed at the Doubletree in Bigelow Square, but pronouced it dooblahtra to make it fancy. They had cookies.

11. Rocks showed me how to do different types of planks. My abs still hurt.

12. Last but not least, the whole point of the trip...BASEBALL!

The Pirates kind of stink, but PNC Park does not. While it's small and has a similar layout to all the newer stadiums, the view makes it worth the trip:


I must say the ballpark isn't very Piratey, though. They didn't even sell eye patches! What the fuck?? The things I really did like were they named the bridge leading into the stadium after Roberto Clemente, his and Honus Wagner's statues, and the tribute to the Crawfords, Pittsburgh's Negro League back in the day.

I am so glad I watched Ken Burns' Baseball documentary before this trip (I still need to write about that!). Josh Gibson and Satchel Paige were two of the best baseball players of all time. Unfortunately, MLB wouldn't allow blacks to play in what the owners called "a gentleman's agreement", an unwritten "no negros allowed" policy. Ignorant fucks. Paige eventually did get into the majors in 1948. Gibson would have too, but he died a few months before Jackie Robinson went to the Brooklyn Dodgers. More on this when I write about the series, but cool to note - Gibson was called "The Black Babe Ruth", but fans who watched them both play actually called Ruth "The White Josh Gibson."

Hmmm...what else is there to say about the Pirates game? It wasn't that good, they lost against the Astros 2-5. I'm glad they won the next two. Their mascot is a parrot. Most teams have a silly race between innings, usually with more mascots or a video representing something basebally or from the team/city. For example, at the Cyclones game they had hotdogs. Relish was a fast one. Mustard let me down:


In Pittsburgh they have perogies. I had no idea what the correlation was so I looked it up. It's as easy as Mrs. T's sponsors the race. They have names too: Jalapeño Hannah (green hat), Cheese Chester (yellow), Sauerkraut Saul (red) and Oliver Onion (purple). Told you it was silly.


Well I guess that's it!!! I'd definitely recommend a quick visit to Pittsburgh. If it was closer I'd totally go back during football season. Shit must be insane.

Hummina hummina

In t-minus 8 hours I will be roadtripping it to Pittsburgh for a Pirates game. My seventeenth ballpark. I'm finally going to break the halfway mark. Holla!!

California was my big trip of the year and jesus christ, April feels like decades ago. Seriously, I'm pretty sure I mentioned this before - I have ZERO concept of time. It's all one straight line that extends for eons. My last post was only three days ago and I had to check to see what I last wrote. I'm surprised I even remembered I have a blog!

So what's new with me? Nothing. Lots of things.

1. My grandmother had a stroke a few weeks ago. My dad and I visited her on Saturday. She's doing really well considering. I don't remember the last time I saw her (see previous paragraph). She's my only living grandparent and it's sad to admit I barely know the woman. My mom made it a point to protect my brother and I from my dad's side of the family. I'm sure I'll share why one day. Still a shame though. We have the same hands.

2. The Mick drama has officially eaten my brain. I tried to make it easy for him by being cool, giving him a nice friendship out to keep things light, but he continues to blow me off then writes really sweet texts/emails to apologize. I failed. Or he did. Whatever. Maybe I'll make out with some rednecks this weekend.

3. Notice I said "make out." I haven't whored it up in ages and now I know I can't handle banging friends either anymore. Sex is strictly for guys I'm dating. Sincerely.

4. Interesting work week. I don't care to say much more. All that matters is I got paid today, I have a summer Friday tomorrow, and I'm most likely taking a halfday on Monday to sleep in after the roadtrip.

5. My boobs look really good lately.

6. The other day I ate some Pirate's Booty and got it all over my face. I was still hungry so I decided to get some minty crack, aka Peppermint Pattie. As I was buying it, I said to Breen "I'm going to have Peppermint Pattie Booty face." (Mishka, this was for you to explain my FB status. Yes, I still need help but at least now you know what I was talking about!)

7. I saw this beautiful pink sky with a woman's face in a cloud. It may have been me, but I'm not sure...

8. I bought a cool necklace at Ann Taylor Loft, but I'm going to return it because I'd rather spend the money on beer. Drunken priorities.

9. When I get back from Pittsburgh I am SERIOUSLY looking for a new gig. To go back to #4, I am sick of wasting my time at a company that doesn't get shit done. Fuck em. Momma needs to feel contributory, challenged, and accomplished.

10. I didn't know that I knew "contributory" was a word.

11. I am still on a crazy taco kick. I should just be gay.

12. After work I came straight home to clean, pack, and shave so that I don't have to do any of it in the morning. As I was shaving my legs I thought, "I should shave my hootenanny as well." I've never referred to my vag as a hootenanny before, but now it is one for life.

13. I actually drank Coronas at a bar tonight. For a beer snob, that's low. I'm still in shock.

14. I finished True Blood season 2. Eric is soooo fucking hot despite his blonde hair. I hate blonde guys! They usually look like little girls to me, but holy balls, Eric is a sexy exception.

15. I'm five episodes into It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. I like how assholey everyone is! I hear it only gets better.

16. Gosh I'm up to 16 already? I guess I should go to bed.

17. I love NYC with all my heart, but I have to admit I am pretty psyched to get the hell out of dodge this weekend.

18. I'm still thinking of hitting Cooperstown next month. Depends on the cashflow. I really need to buy new clothes instead of beer and basebally things. (Penis!)

19. Okay so I don't want to sleep around, but I am horny as fuck. I blame Eric. Damn, I need a boyfriend.

20. It's almost midnight. I should go to bed.

21. Okay...going. Good night, Ned!

I figured it out!

I figured something out that bothered me all weekend. I'm not going to share it, but I will share my sense of accomplishment.

It's like solving a math word problem on the toilet. So proud!

Yeah. Stuff.

It amazes me how every time I get dissed I obsess about it for days. Months even. True the Mick thing just happened, but I'm still not done driving myself crazy. The joke is if you would have asked me if I liked him a week ago I would have hemmed and hawed about it. Why do I freak out about guys who aren't worth it!?!? Sigh...

This weekend was a lot of fun, despite the drama cloud.

Friday - A lovely day walking and lunching with Bakes, Megkefel, and baby Henry. I stayed in that night and watched True Blood season 2 episodes 1-4. It's not the best show, but I'm hooked. Some of the characters are amazing (Lafayette!) and all they do is fuck. Seriously, I'm always horny when I watch it. Lots of skin, lots of blood (ew), and lots of hot.

Saturday - Did nothing all day, then went to Coney Island with Stevie, Hugs, and Tobly for a Cyclones game. It was so fun, but the team is horrible. Fall-down-trying-to-catch-a-pop-up horrible. Best parts of the game were the fireworks at the end and the player Cody Holliday. He wasn't good or anything, I just could have SWORN the announcer said "Coney Holland" when he came up to bat. This made me giggle all day. He really should consider changing his name.

I am happy to report The Cyclone is officially my favorite roller coaster. Apparently the Tatsu incident has scarred me for life as I am too scared to go on rides that flip upside down. FAIL! I will only ride wooden ones (heh) going forward.

I am unhappy to report that my arm fat has gotten so out of control it somehow got caught between the Cyclone seat bar and latch and I now have a lovely bruise. It wasn't until I took this picture that I realized it looks like a nipple. Yes, that's my arm. No, mine are pink.



Sunday - Did nothing all day again. In the evening I went down to the South Street Seaport for a bit and at night over to the west side to watch the fireworks. I totally picked the wrong place to watch, ending up on 26th Street between 11th and 12th with a bit of an obstructed view. The fireworks were still awesome, though!! Afterward I had one beer (one!) at a bar in my hood and then went off to bed. It was my last good night's sleep so far this week because SOMEONE decided not to put in their fucking AC until today. Who's that someone? ME!

Ugh. Monday night blew. Last night blew. Wait, today's Wednesday? Tonight should not blow now that the super just came and put it in (heh). I seriously thought I was dying Monday night. It hurt to breathe. Last night wasn't too bad, there was this amazing breeze coming through my bedroom until about midnight. Then it was unbearbly hot again. I slept until my body was soaked, which only took about an hour, rinsed in the shower, repeated. It was gross. My mattress must weigh an extra 10 pounds. Actually I wouldn't be surprised if I lost a few. Take that arm fat!

Ooo, forgot to mention I worked out this weekend. too. Back to doing good ol' Leg Magic and my Billy Blanks Boot Camp DVD. I could barely lift my legs yesterday. It felt good to work out and take care of myself...

This brings me back to the question at the beginning of this post: Why do I freak out about guys who aren't worth it!?!?

For the past two days I checked my Yahoo account at least 24 times to see if Mick wrote me back. I even directly checked Facebook a few times, just in case the email notification didn't flow through. OBSESSED. CRAZY. PATHETIC. Yeah, yeah, been there done that. What bothered me this time around was the anxiety. Why was I so anxious about it? What was driving me to be such a freak?

I'm sure it was a combination of my Pdiddy ending, the heat, and lack of sleep, but I believe there's another reason I'm being so neurotic. It's change. Or the fear of it. I wrote in my last post how "everything changes", but it didn't occur to me how much things can and will change after this until I was writing about it in my journal on my way home today. What I'm talking about is change within myself and my life. It's all positive ones, but I am anxious about them.

I want to get back on track and focus on me again by getting in shape and finding a new job. Remember Sexy, Simba, Something? It obviously hasn't happened yet and the year is halfway over!!

Having a few guys to hang out with and think about was fun for a little while, but it wasn't getting me anywhere. I never saw a future with any of them. If Mick hadn't been such a dick (rhyme!), nothing would have changed. I would have still hooked up with him every other weekend, probably still hooked up with Mr. J, maybe hooked up with someone else I'm lukewarm about, and so on. I knew I had to focus on finding real love before this poop went down, but I think this solidified it. Not the poop, the idea that I have to create space in my heart and mind for someone who will cherish being there. For someone I have no doubt in my mind I like and want to be with for a while. This is exciting!! I am one step closer to finding Mr. McGee!

Last and most importantly, this incident (or whatever it is) made me realize I'm awesome. You read that?!?!? I'm saying I'm awesome, world! I never say that shit and mean it!

My friends helped me come to this conclusion. As Tron said today, "Thighs, you're awesome. Other guys know it. Sooner or later you'll click with one of them. Stop freaking worrying about it and have fun until it happens." I honestly believe he's right!! Holy crap!! I'M AWESOME!

Every guy who hasn't liked me back can go fuck themselves. I am awesome, I'm saying I'm awesome, and if you're too fucking stupid to know this then up yours. And if you do know it then don't do something dumb to screw me over. Mick actually wrote "I think you're incredible" in his apology. This made me feel really nice as I don't think anyone's ever said that to me before, but seriously?? FUCK YOU. If I'm so incredible don't be a dick to me!

PHEW! So in other words, if this didn't happen I might have stayed in a rut for much longer. The interesting part is I'M the one that initiated the whole thing. I never mentioned I knew Mick was with a girl that night. Talk about master manipulation, huh? I could have said don't come, and yes, he could have declined and definitely not made out with her, but still. I'm not blaming myself, but I do believe I subconsciously initiated this change and the anxiety and obsessing came from not admitting it.

This is why I freak out over guys who aren't worth it - I knew they weren't from the beginning yet I allowed myself to get caught up in the moment. The freak out part tries to convince me I didn't waste my time even though I knew there was nothing there. The truth is I did and now I'm putting an end to it. I'm awesome and when I find the right guy he'll know it, he'll be just as awesome, and we'll be totally awesome together. WOOT!

Okay, done writing. It's OkCupid time. Hmmm...I wonder if Coney Holland is single...

Two Peas in a Pub

Mick and I are a lot alike. We're both impulsive, self-involved hedonists. I just realized this very second that's what I like about him. He mirrors some of the "bad" parts of me.

Friday night he actually texted me asking me if I was going out. I responded with an email the next day telling him how upset I was that he brought and made out with another girl right in front of me. He apologized saying he wasn't sure how I felt about him and didn't mean to hurt or upset me. I wrote him back today saying it's fine I'm over it, but we're not hooking up anymore.

This is the kicker - I'm pretty sure this is how he wanted it to play out. Why do I think this? Because I've done it before. Not this exact situation of course, but close. The beats are the same. I want something either consciously or unconsciously. If I don't know what it is or am wishy washy and don't ask for it specifically, I end up doing something dicky, I get called out on it, I apologize from the bottom of my heart, and everything changes.

Mick helped me realize it would be so much easier to bypass the dick part and just initiate the change in a positive, healthy, and mature way. It might not prevent someone from getting hurt, but honesty would lessen the blow.

Wow. I have to think about this some more...

Some funnies

Read Missing Missy and laugh.

Then watch this video and laugh again. It's not work friendly so put on your headphones and/or close the door, slackjob.

Fuck Shit Stack. Amazing.

I want to ride my bicycle...

Well, that sucked. It really is for the best, though. (Thanks Rolo!) Now I don't have to waste my time thinking about him anymore!

Awesome things:

It's Friday, I have a four-day weekend, it's beautiful out, I already went for a run (woot!), I sat by the water and did some thinking, I'm thoroughly enjoying my iced vanilla latte from Dunkin Donuts, I have I Want To Ride My Bicycle stuck in my head, AND I'm about to throw a solo living room dance party.

I have really great friends, a big thanks to Bakes and Jarv for taking care of me and staying out way past their weeknight bedtimes. And another big thanks to the bartender at Crehan's for shutting the bar down right before I walked in because the last thing I needed was another beer at 3am in the morning.

In closing, maybe I'll be upset again later. Maybe I won't. At this very moment I feel fantastic, I'm happy to be alive, and good or bad, I do love how my shit's always interesting.

Not OK

I'm sorry Juniper, I lied. I'm not okay.

I invited Mick out tonight and he actually brought a girl with him. I've never felt this something ever. I wrote "something" because I'm not sure how I feel yet. I haven't stopped crying since I met her. I thought I could handle it, but I couldn't. It's not even about him hooking up with someone, it's more about him being so fucking inconsiderate to bring a girl out in my presence. There was absolutely positively no reason to invite someone you're dating to hang out with a girl you've hooked up with. None whatsoever except to say I'm done with you.

I've slept with a lot of guys so you would think I'm used to feeling shitty at some point. Nope, this is probably the worst I've ever felt because a "friend with benefits" treated me like I was never his friend at all. This hurts me more than any one night stand ever could.

It's 3am now. I had fun with Bakes and Jarv, but unfortunately every time I peed I cried. Fa! That sounds like it hurt to pee. It didn't, it was just my alone time...

Now that I wrote this I'm already starting to feel better. I've been unsure about my feelings for him from the get-go, so this might really be a blessing in disguise. Obviously he's not into me and since he chose the worst possible way to share that fact I should be able to move on with ease. Maybe not this very minute as I'm bombedly sensitive, but soon.

Until then I have to admit this fucking blows. I'm not giving up hope, though. I know the love of my life is out there somewhere and I'm hoping this experience helps me find him sooner. You know, once I sober up...

In the meantime, rejection can suck it.

The gyno says...

I am a binge drinker. This is not a surprise. The medical definition of a binge drinker was though, only four drinks in one sitting for women. Yikes. At this point I can only (“only”) handle about 6 beers a night, less if it’s a high alcohol percentage ala Dogfish Head’s 18% (!!) 120 minute IPA. And by handle I mean not black out. Double yikes. At least I have a glass of water with every beer. If I don’t, I’m in trouble!

So, what to do with this information. Drinking seems to be the reason I don’t do a lot of things I want to lately. Actually strike that, getting drunk does. I haven’t run, read, write, looked for a new gig, bought new work clothes that I desperately need, or finally fix up my apartment all because my raging hangovers and high bar tabs are in the way. I even said the other day that all I want to spend money on right now is baseball and beer. A couple of things about this statement: one, this is stupid and two, where is my penis?

I have decided that for the month of July I will not get drunk except for (always an exception, the first sign of alcoholism. Shut it.) tonight for an Astoria pub crawl and the weekend of the 16th-18th when I’m in Pittsburgh for a Pirates game (penis!). I will still go out, but I will not have more than three. Not not not. This is perfectly reasonable. In fact, last night I went to Crazy Ass and had ginger ale. So there.

In case you’re wondering how this topic came up at the lady doctor, my cooch does not smell like hooch. She’s very holistic in her approach, asking questions about everything from stress, diet, safety (ex: do I wear a seatbelt), to the obvious sexy time deets. I highly recommend her! Just don’t be surprised when she says you drink too much because you probably do if we’re friends.

Holy Fuck My Butt

I'm at work, writing. Not working. I got home around 2am last night and can't be bothered. I'm getting antsy about it though. It's so quiet here. A little too quiet. A little too Raph. Luckily I'm leaving at 3pm for a doctor's appointment. Gynogirl's Vulvacabulary. My greatest work.

I guess I'm thinking in short sentences. I should just start a Twitter account, but since I don't have the interweb on my phone it seems pointless. I'd like to be able to twat as often as possible. Now I post-it. If I think of a funny phrase I jot it down. Like Holy Fuck My Butt. I said this yesterday and I don't recall why. Today's funny had me crying. Bella and I were making dinner plans and what I meant to say was, "Let's do it later in the month." but it came out as "Let's do it after the teens." Jager shots after midnight work wonders for the talking skillz.

Speaking of z's, Canz in Astoria is annoying because it should be awesome and it's not. The end. Crazy Ass however (my made up nickname for my new favorite bar) is the shitz. I don't know why I feel the need to give it a nickname rather than a real shoutout, but I do. I've decided to trust my gut more. Wishy washy Thighs gets into trouble. Like this past weekend. I had plans to visit Spags up in CT and asked if we could reschedule because it wasn't good timing. She's uber upset about it. I feel really bad. Earlier last week I had a weird feeling about the trip and if I would have just listened to my gut the badness might have been avoided.

Another gut feeling, I just found out my cousin's annual 4th of July party in NJ was cancelled. Now I can do whatever I want this weekend, but something is telling me to be planless. I don't know why. Maybe my commitmentphobia is back? Maybe I'm going to die? Maybe I'm going to sleep? Who knows?? The only thing I'm definitely doing is going to the west side to watch the fireworks over the Hudson. Stupid Hudson. If the show was on the East River LIKE IT SHOULD BE, I could watch from my roof.

Boys update. I'm "breaking up" with Mr. J. We hung out a couple of weeks ago and I saw him last night for a few minutes. He really is a nice guy and totally into me (I rarely have the confidence to say that, but with him I'm sure), it's just that I'm not totally into him. I was forcing it only because I thought it was cool we ran into each other. Same with Mick. We've hooked up a few times the past month or so (maybe longer), but I don't know what I'm doing. I like him, I don't, I really like him, I don't. It's the stupidest fucking dance ever. I can't figure out why this is so hard! Fucking pandas. This is the reason I went back on OKC. I want love motherfuckers! Ha, I should make that my profile tagline. Ha, I don't think I've ever written "ha" in a post before.

The only thing worse than Bud Light is free Bud Light because then I'm forced to drink it. - Thighs McGee, 06/18/10

55 minutes to doctor. Man, I'm useless. At least I got to see Chewie last night. He's my male bestie if you didn't know. Brother from another mother. Gay. He's not gay, "brother from another mother" is gay.

Ugh...hangover is getting worse now that I ate crappy pizza. The joke is I just said how I've never had a bad slice in NY. Oh the irony. EYERONEE. That looks like EVERYONE.

Last week I hit up two Mets games. Wait what did I do last week? Monday, dinner. Tuesday/Thursday Mets games. Friday, Rolo's going away party. SAD. She moved to Boston...waahhh! (If you are reading I MISS YOU!). Saturday, OH MY GOSH, the awesomest bridal shower I've ever been to. It was a surf and turf (this phrase will never catch on). Sunday, Crazy Ass with Bakes. I love being a regular at a bar. It makes me feel cool.

I drink too much. Actually no I don't. I only drink twice a week. Wait that's a lie. I drink Friday and Saturday nights. Sometimes Sundays. Rarely during the week. Why am I still lying?

I haven't run since the race. I freakin' miss it!! I'm so fucking moody lately and I know it's because I haven't worked out. I'm hoping to run this weekend. There, that's a plan! Fireworks and running sounds poifect.

I'm going home to change my bra, wash my crotch, and take a dump. - Thighs McGee, 06/20/10

CJ just came in and handed me a card with a picture of a big-lipped robot. His name is Motor Mouth and "his head's like a bucket, full of metal, wires & computer chips. But his appearance isn't complete without a set of wacko lips!" This is the greatest day of my life.

Shit, I do drink too much. I just remembered I'm going over to Crazy Ass again tonight, which is ridiculous because I've mentioned it three times in this post. Maybe I won't drink. It could happen.

34 minutes. I need a new job. No word from Melba. It's been two weeks since I applied. Look I even gave it a nickname, I should totally work there! I haven't loved my job since Company. I haven't thought very hard since January. I need a change. Updated plans for this weekend: fireworks, running, job search. Oh and batting cages. I love batting cages. Oh and pool! I want to start playing more. Oh and Toy Story 3! I forgot I'm going on Friday. Maybe I'll rent the first two. Netflix has a long wait on them though.

Oh oh oh!! I haven't written about Ken Burns' Baseball documentary series yet. I LOVED it. Another thing to do this weekend. Gosh, now I'm tired.

Facebook told me the Verizon iPhone will be available in January. Yay! Guess I'm hanging onto My Boy Blue another few months. If the poor thing doesn't kick soon...

Two words: greek yogurt. Amazing. Yoplait can go fuck itself. Dannon, well I still like the fruit on the bottom and how it rhymes with my name. It ain't yogurt, though. Fage rules.

17 minutes. Hmmm...my appointment's not until 3:40pm so I could potentially walk the 50 blocks to Soho. Or take the subway to 14th and walk from there to save time. Maybe I'll walk home. I wish I had my sneakers with me. And my camera. Good-bye V train!! I will miss your emptiness.

My stomach just made a loud noise that sounded like pull-starting a lawnmower. Maybe I should go to the bathroom.

Going.

Yay OkCupid!

I decided to try online dating again and within 10 minutes of me updating my profile I get an IM from this shitfucker. Apparently OKC still has douchebags and crappy instant messaging.

Douche: hey
Douche: how are you?
Douche: hello?
Me: Hello
Douche: looking for serious or casual?>
Me: Serious
Douche: looking for serious or casual?
Douche: hello?
Me: Serious
Douche: you very sexual?
Me: No. Completely frigid.
Douche: cup size?
Me: F for Fuck Off.
Douche: cup size?
Douche: hello?
Me: F
Me: For FUCK OFF>
Douche: cup size?

Hee hee!

This still makes me giggle:

Change

There is change in the air today! I can feel it! Good vibes, good vibes...

Yeah, Payday!

Well I made it to payday. Fun money is back!! To congratulate myself for making it two whole weeks of coming directly home after work every night, I treated myself to something special. I immediately went out and bought a brand new flat screen tv!! It is AMAZEBALLS and it only cost $950!!!

It's so fucking cool!

And I'm so fucking lying! I did not buy a television, but I did spend $9 at Caravan Chicken to get the ribs, rice, and beans platter. I'm feeling a little guilty about it, so I figured if I put my "splurge" into perspective I'd leave myself alone.

It worked. I even have leftovers for tomorrow, so there. $4.50. Ass.

Nerdorable

I'm back on my never-having-kids phase, which this time around doesn't feel like much of a phase and may actually be the final decision. I almost asked my mom if I should get my tubes tied, but then realized it would probably upset her. Sorry Peter and Jack, maybe I'll change my mind again before it's too late.

Anyhoo, regardless if I have kids or not, this is fucking adorable. And I don't even like Star Trek either!

I applied! I applied!

Crikey!! I nervous!! Fingers crossed. Fingers crossed.

IT WAS AWESOME!

I DID IT!! The 10K was so awesome!! I am so proud of myself!!

I don't know how the fuck it happened, but I pretty much jogged the whole time. My goal was to do finish in 90 minutes and I beat it!! 78 minutes baby!


The first mile was pretty rough. That's when the humidity got me. Mother Nature obviously did not read my letter, but I must say the heat was manageable once I got into the park. The race started at 61st and Central Park West, into the park at 90th, went up to 110, and then down the east side to 67th. I'm pretty sure I hit mile 3 at 40 minutes so i was pretty consistent pacer. Miles 3-4 were the hardest though, lots of ups and downs, so I walked most of that one. But my word, when I got to mile 5 I just took off! I don't know where the hell the energy came from, but I ran the last 1.2 miles straight. There's something about seeing 800 meters, 400 meters, 200 meters that made me want to end strong. Rocks and Bakes were waiting for me at the finish line. I was so happy to see them!

Oy, I feel like I'm just throwing words up. I had such a healthy morning and then we went out drinking to celebrate. Yada, yada, yada...I woke up on my bathroom floor. Yikes.

I RAN A 10K!! WOO HOO!!

Positively Positive

I’m writing this at work. It’s so quiet here on Summer Fridays that I thought it would be a good day for stream of consciousness writing. Some of my favorite posts are written this way. Here we go!

I opened up some spreadsheets in case my bosses come by because of course they are on the same summer schedule as I am. Heh, summer schedule. What is summer anyways? Obviously it’s not June through September anymore because it’s been 85 since April. Or at least it feels that way. Heh, April. April feels like a lifetime ago. What is happening with time? Does anyone else feel like time is slipping away? Is it slipping away or is it coming together? I can’t tell the difference. Maybe that’s just it, there is no difference. Things that happened a month ago no longer matter, yet moments from my past are remembered in my heart like it’s happening again this very instance. Does time exist anywhere but TV and Outlook? My dream life would be one without time, where I can spend my days and nights not thinking about whether it’s day or night. The only “time” I would need to look at a clock is when I’m meeting friends because chances are we won’t all have the lifestyle to give up time altogether. The concept of time has been a big interest of mine lately probably because I’m shifting my attitude towards it. In this video, there is an excerpt on Professor Philip Zimbardo’s presentation about our individual perspective on time. Present Hedonists are people like me, instant gratificationers who never grew up. (On the subway today I thought of the perfect line to sum up my twenties, “If I could drink it, fuck it, or buy it, I did.”) Lately my attitude towards life and time is shifting. To what I don’t know. I wouldn’t say I’m a Future or a Past, maybe I’m all three now. I haven’t watched the full version of the presentation yet, but I will. I have a lot of ideas about time floating around in me that I don’t quite know how to verbalize. “Use your words.” Someone said this to me the other day and I felt it was a little condescending at first. Later on I realized while I love to write and find it easy to do so about most of my feelings, I am not very eloquent. My vocabulary sucks (which is why I make up words most the time) and I’m sure my grammar is subpar. I find myself trying to “use my words” more often now, so I am thankful rather than annoyed this person said it. I’m sure a word already exists for this idea, but I’m trying to time-mind jump. It’s a hobby. For example, if I make a left on Broadway down 35th Street I’ll try to time-mind jump a block away to 31st Avenue. I’ll picture the sign and the traffic light like if I’m already at the corner, despite the fact that it’s obvious my body is still walking down the street. It’s sort of like being in a zone, where “time” just flies by. Poof, I’m there. Does it work? I don’t know. I want it to, though. I mean, why not right? If time is a straight line, why not jump it? It feels like time is jumping on its own anyways (is it really 2010?), so maybe consciously jumping it will make life a much more enjoyable experience.

You may have noticed my posts are much more positive. Negativity is all I knew my whole life. I was raised on it, thrived on it, and brought much of it onto myself. Something changed in me after I got back from California. I decided I want to be positive. I want peace. Some things I changed:

1. I no longer need to kill myself at a job that won’t matter one day. An obvious one considering I’m writing and not working!!

2. I don’t have to spend ridiculous amounts of energy hating or avoiding my boss when frankly, he won’t matter one day either. Work has been so pleasant ever since I let the wall down. He’s said some mean shit to me, but who cares. Chances are it wasn’t even about me, so why should I hold onto it any longer?

3. An ex-boyfriend of mine who I’ve never written about on Thighs (I rarely share details about guys I actually date to be discreet) recently got engaged. There are four things I’ve done in my life that I really regret and two break-ups are included, which is why I tried my best to break-up with Tat in a respectful and healthy way. I believe I succeeded. Anyhoo, when I heard this ex is getting married I wrote him an email congratulating him. He wrote me back a very nice email saying thanks and that he appreciates the well wishes. I have never, ever used the word “absolved” to describe how I feel but in that moment I did. It was incredible. I didn’t realize how much guilt I was still holding onto until I read his email. He moved on, he found love, and I didn’t ruin him. I was free.

4. Feeling absolved felt so good that I decided to keep it going. Back in December I had a fight with a friend that cost us our friendship. While I still don’t think I did anything wrong or deserved to be treated the way I was, I apologized for disappointing her. We were friends for a long time and I let her down, end of story. There’s no reason to hold a grudge or waste any more of my energy being upset about it. I don’t think we’ll ever be as close as we were, but she meant a lot to me once and that’s all that matters.

5. There are a couple of other people that I feel negatively about that I need to let go of, Banana being one of them. I occasionally think about him, but this past week he has been on my mind a lot. Grape’s husband’s new Facebook profile picture is with Banana, and the minute I saw him all of the feelings came flooding back. This is one of the main reason’s I’ve been thinking about time. We all have emotional memory, but I feel like that’s ALL my memory nowadays. I doubt I’ll confront him about it, because really, what am I going to say? I thought you were The One and you fucked me over? I’ll need to let this one go on my own. Grape is another story though. I wouldn’t mind talking to her about it now that we’re friends again. We shall see. I just looked for a real banana in my drawer forgetting I already ate it.

I’m applying to a job at a sports organization. I figured if I landed my dream job at Company, why don’t I try working for other companies I’m excited about? I put it off for like three weeks, but I’m sending my application tonight if it kills me!!

10K is tomorrow! I can’t friggin believe it. Where does the “time” go?? I’m going to time-mind jump the whole thing by the way.

Enough for now.

I love the rain!

I'm glad it's raining. The End.

D2

I used to hate minty chocolate food like mint chocolate chip ice cream, Girl Scout Thin Mints (Girl Scout cookies in general), etc.  Now I find myself seriously addicted to Peppermint Patties.  The stupid snack machine got me again!! 

When I first started at Minnow I probably had a Snickers bar three times a week for a good six months.  This is when I was actually losing weight!  The Snickers craving stopped and I jumped on over to Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.  That's probably around the time I started gaining it back.  (Snickers really do satisfy.)  I still get Pirate's Booty on a regular basis, but this is more a side dish to my turkey and avocado sandwich or Lean Cuisine/Weight Watcher frozen meal than a snack.

I have no recollection of the day I said, "Man, I could go for a Peppermint Pattie right now." Have you ever heard anyone actually say that?  Oooo....wait a second!  Let me check Mr. Budget real quick.  Yes, I even log $0.75 purchases...

The first accurate Peppermint Pattie chow down was April 28th, accurate because sometimes I'll write "snack machine" instead of the specific item.  I've hit ol' D2 eleven times since then.  I'm averaging 2 a week.  Okay, not quite addiction status yet.  When I start craving them on the weekend, I'm done for.

Despite not being a fan of them up until now, I fondly remember this one commercial from when I was kid (yet I can't remember the what I wore yesterday):

**UPDATE - This post was originally named "E7" because I could have sworn that was the button. It's really "D2" which is sad because a) I have zero braincells if I've forgotten this even though I hit the damn thing 12 times (bought another yesterday) and b) my nerd-self did not immediately associate R2D2 with the button, especially since the damn wrapper is silver and blue. I = burnt.

8 days to 10K

I jogged/walked the 6 mile loop in Central Park this morning.  Mostly walked.  The heat is way too much for me.   My mutant skin doesn't react very well to it.  Besides turning rurple (red-purple) my face feels uncomfortable.  How do I explain this?  Pull your face skin back and tight like if you got botox and a lift.  Have someone cake on hot oatmeal.  Let oatmeal firm, but not cool down.  Yeah, that's what it feels like.  Good thing it will be 40 degrees out next Saturday...

Signing up for this 10K was very random and slightly stupid, but I must say it's changed me for the better:   

1.  Obviously I'm working out.  It's been a long time since I was active.  Nothing beats a good sweat.  This is probably why I've been so positive lately.  Exercise helps keep my mood swings in check.

2.  I'm back to being a morning person.  I've been one my whole life, up until I started stressing at Company.  All I wanted to do then was stay in bed.   The past couple of days I was out of the house by 7am.  Today I didn't leave until 10am and I felt like I was late!

Waking up early means I go to bed earlier, too.  Wednesday night I went to sleep at 9pm.  It was glorious!

3.  I'm no longer self-conscious about running in my neighborhood.  I know, me? Self-conscious?  I am plenty.  The interesting thing about it is I only seem to care what people think when it's a positive thing I'm doing, ie working out, learning something new, dancing.  Too bad my paranoia doesn't kick in when I drink until I puke, make out with six guys in one night, or tell people to fuck off instead.

So there ya have it.  Even if I don't run the whole race, I'm very happy I signed up for it.  Never in a million years did I think I'd run for a good time.

Little Date Arrows Right Above This Title

See how the arrows on the post date are all smushed together?  

Why is Maczine telling me "smushed" is spelled wrong?  Is that not a word?

smush  [smoosh]
to mash or push, esp. to push down or in; compress: to smush a pie in someone's face

Or is it smooshed? Nope, I got the red line under that too.

Anyways, I don't know why the arrows are smushed, but they are. My anal-self, Shanal, is annoyed by this. I've noticed it on other blogs with the same template, so I guess there's a script issue.

I wish they would fix it. I shall write them a letter!

Heh. Pie.

Vital Juice

Vital Juice is a fun health website with information on fitness, nutrition, beauty, etc. They email me a daily newsletter with the latest workout tips, online discounts, or new health/wellness store and events in the NY area.

For example, there is a new shop in Chelsea that "offers sweet-smelling kitchen, bath and cleaning products." The article says the owner has a love of french aromas and decor, so one of VJ's editors thought it would be cute to mention this in the subject line of the email:

Vital Juice NY - What Does Paris Smell Like?

You know what I thought of when I read this? Paris Hilton. Not France. Hilton. You know what I think she smells like? Money, bleach, self-tanner, and dirty sea urchins.

When the hell did this happen? When did Hilton replace France? Is that what went on here or do I automatically think when someone asks "What does X smell like?" they mean naughty bits?

It's with this simple email that I realize I truly am uncultured and uncouth. I'm okay with this. For now anyways.

Gun pics!

They are essentially the same exact pictures with different killing machines...

Revolver:

AK47:

Shotgun:

Clam Bake

clam·bake   [klam-beyk]

1. a group of women

2. Informal. a female sausagefest/sausage party

I did not come up with this. I REALLY wish I did!!

I did, however, decide those guy/girl bridal showers should now be called Surf and Turfs rather than Jack and Jills.

F-U-N, FUN! Part 2

Peed!

May 28th - Drinks with Rockstar, Xtina, and Bakes. I was hitting it off with some guy (TWO CRAPS!), but it turns out he is engaged. He was polite about it by giving me the We-bomb early on, but what the fuck? Why don't guys have to wear engagement rings!?!?! It's false advertising!! When I get engaged, I'm going to brand "TAKEN" on my fiance's forehead. Hopefully that will keep floosies like me away...

After the guy told me he was getting hitched I wanted to move onto his single friends, but Mr. J showed up. I was happy to see him of course, it's just that I had an Austin Powers/Fembot moment. I didn't know where to look or who to flirt with. It was peni-overload, so Mr. J and I went to another bar. I really do enjoy spending time with him, I'm just not ready to make any decisions yet.

May 29th - Notice something missing from these days? RUNNING. I am a total slacker. I ran Saturday morning, but it was shitty. Only 12 days left to get my ass in gear!

A couple hours later Juniper and I headed over to Citi Field for a tour of the stadium. If you are a Mets fan, GO!! GO NOW! Ten bucks gets you into all of the clubs, the press box, the field, the dugout, the locker room, everywhere. It is so fun!!! Check out my pics!

There's also a new bar in the stadium too, with a very nice, pretty cute bartender who has a girlfriend (THREE CRAPS!). The place is ginormous and reasonably priced for the most part. There's a 20% post-tour discount, too!

Later that night Mick and I met up at a new bar in the hood. I love this place. Great beers on tap, peanut shells on the floor, classic rock in the jukebox. What more could I ask for?? I'd totally give it a shout out by name, but my intuition is telling me not to. Why? I don't know...probably because the owner was hitting on me before Mick got there and I sort of liked it (INFINITY CRAPS!).

So. Mick. We are friends with benefits. I'm obviously a bit boy crazy lately (always?), so I know I'm not ready for a commitment with him or anyone else right now. This bothers me because I really do want love and to settle down soon, it's just that I'm not sure if I met my blurple balloon yet. I have this feeling he's going to appear soon though, so I want to keep my options open for as long as possible. Or at least until one of the eighty guys I talked to this past week turns into him.

May 30th - BBQ at Eronica's. It was a blast! They put out an amazing spread. Holy balls, this is what I ate yesterday: at least a pound of hummus and Sun Chips, chicken sausage, regular sausage, a cheeseburger, grilled chicken, two homemade beef and potato empanadas, quinoa with avocado, grilled veggies, rice and beans, pork shoulder, brisket, and a slice of carrot cake. HOLY. BALLS. I was completely sober even though I drank six beers and a shot of coffee flavored Patron.

The party was so much fun that the seven hours I was there flew by. The day ended with a great fireworks show in a nearby park. Yeah summer!

Today! - I SHOT A GUN. Juniper and I headed out to the Poconos with some friends this morning for a day at the shooting range. I was soooo nervous all week. I kept thinking it's killing practice. That's it. There's absolutely no other reason to learn how to use a gun except to kill something. This idea frightened me, but I felt like it's something I'd rather know how to do rather not do. Like drive stick. (Can someone teach me how to drive stick?)

I'm so glad I went!! The place was safe, controlled, and organized. And LOUD. SO LOUD. I now understand why silencers exist. Whoa...creepy.

I shot a 9mm, .38 revolver, a .22 (I think), AK-47, shotgun, and sniper rifle. I'm a good shot! Thank you Area 51! The shotgun was the coolest for me, although sitting looking through a scope on the sniper rifle was pretty badass. Again, killing practice. Who am I!?!?!?

I got home three hours ago after enjoying some post-shootin' ribs and ice cream. I must say it was a great fucking weekend and an even greater couple of weeks. I love my friends, I love boys, I love being able to try new things and have a social life. I love living in NYC, I love my home, I love having the means to fuck around and have a good time. Yes, those means are gone again due to some poor spending/planning on my part but seriously, I am no longer complaining about being "broke". I am finally starting to appreciate what I have and enjoy my life and constant shenanigans. That's my nickname for a reason!

To top all this f-u-n off, I'm only working three days this week because I have a summer Friday. How cool is that!?!? The fun never ends!!

F-U-N, FUN! Part 1

PHEW! Today wraps up a week and a half of non-stop fun. I went on a bit of a tear lately, which of course means I am now broke for the next two weeks AGAIN. Whatever. It was worth it. I need to focus on the 10K anyways, so this is a good time to be a hermit.

What the hell is that smell?? It's like Raid and charcoal. Gross. I guess I'll do a rundown...

May 19th - Yankees game. It's official, I do not like Yankee Stadium. It's too sterile. I'm going to another game in August and I'm pretty sure it will be the last time I pay for a game (I'll never give up free baseball tickets!). Citi Field is so much better.

May 21st - I had a very crappy day at work, but it ended on a high note. My boss Nun frequents the Minnow bar almost every night, so I told him he should buy me a beer. He did (two, in fact) and we had a nice time shooting the shit. (Ha! I don't think I've ever used that phrase before.) He had to leave and catch his train before I finished my beer and on the way out he told the bartender he'll pay for whatever else I drink. As a joke I had them run up a fake bill with $200 worth of Jameson and Guinness. Nun laughed his ass off when I gave it to him. It was nice to have a fun moment with a work peep. I've been taking it too seriously lately.

After I left the bar I ran into yet another old flame. That is four in three months!! WTF?? Either this city's getting smaller or I really do hit on anyone with a pulse...

I met Mr. J last Easter. He's the one who didn't call for a couple of weeks so I wrote him off. I walked past him in Times Square and did a double take. I didn't recognize him at first, so I slowly walked up to and said "Mr. J?" He beamed. It was quite flattering. We talked for a good 20 minutes or so. He said he was disappointed we didn't stay in touch and that he still thinks of me from time to time. We decided to try again to see what happens. He seems very interested in hanging out, calls or texts me every other day. I'm not sure what I think yet. Physically and personality-wise he is totally my type. I guess only time will tell about the rest.

A funny side-note, my screen name for dating websites is some variation of Harley Quinn, the Joker's girlfriend. My tagline for a while used to be "Looking for my Mr. J." It's kind of cute I could possibly have found him. Or not...

because then (this is still just one night!) I hung out with Mick again. More on this later.

May 22nd - Beer tasting/food pairing party with a lovely group of Rolo's friends. I wanted to bring something seasonal, so I chose Dogfish Head ApriHops, an American IPA brewed with apricots. The interweb recommended pairing it with Mexican, salad, barbecue, or seafood, so in the interest of keeping the meal light and healthy I made guacamole and a walnut pear salad. Did you catch that?? I MADE something!! I absolutely positively love guacamole and I must say it came out fantastic. The salad was delicious as well. I picked it because one of the ingredients for the dressing was apricot nectar. The pairing was perfect!

Two things I learned while preparing the food: one, I now know what cilantro is and two, that I do not own a peeler but I do own six bottle openers.

The night was capped off with the a trip to one of the diviest bars in the neighborhood. It reminded me of a Knights of Columbus. Total crap. My only beef with the place was that the beers were oddly expensive and only available in bottles. No taps, no cans. There should have been cans.

May 23rd - I headed into the city to check out my friend's friend's show, James Adamo Acoustic Band. They were great!! The bassist was really cute (CRAP. I DO hit on everyone!) so we talked for a while. He lives in Syracuse though, so I left without giving him my number. I'm lazy.

Next up was Deluxx Fluxx, an art installation of retrofitted arcade games with cool graphic images on screen and off.

Arcade images:

On screen image:

There was also a black light room covered in posters and a psychedelic foosball table. Flashback city.


May 24th - Dinner and drinks with the lovely Spags, Bakes, and Socks.

May 25th - Drinks with Tron and other work peeps. I asked IT for a job. I want to get out of publishing, but if they offered me something I'd take it. For now.

May 26th - Comic Strip Live with Juniper. Very funny, check out John Roy. Question - why do all comedy clubs have two drink minimums?

May 27th - A drink with Nas. He and his roommate were watching the Mets game at a nearby bar, so I joined them for a bit. He is totally sweet, but I don't have the hots for him. Oh well...

I'm splitting this into two posts because I have to pee, this shit is getting long, and this past weekend deserves its own!!

Why?

Selinavd57@hotmail.com (Selinavd57@hotmail.com) wants to add Thighs to his or her buddy list:

Hiya, I am new here, and I do not know if my English is ok yet. I'm looking for new people to talk to. Maybe we should chat, or go for a coffee. I still have some hard times with this site sometimes, so if you could, come chat with me on this other site I go to, http://www.love-duo.org

Why the hell would someone do this? I do not know this person. Hey the mid-90s called, it wants chatting with strangers back.

I changed the girl/possibly he-she's email name, but the "vd57" is real. I can't help but think this means she/he-she has fifty-seven venereal diseases. Frequenting another site called "Love-Duo" doesn't help...

Fun at Work

My friend CJ emailed me this the other day as a joke:

"We have a book called Dermadoctor Skinstruction. I thought you should know."

From there we spent the next twenty minutes emailing each other fake, similar sounding titles. Here are mine:

Podiatripod’s MetalcaparAlmanac

Dentista’s Maniteetho

Pediaman’s Kiddieology

AnatheSir’s Sleepilogue

Necrofellow’s Dieary

Prostheticer’s Limbolism

Gastronurse’s Farticle

Urologuy’s Dicktionary

Gynogirl’s Vulvacabulary

About that 10K...

Paint me redder and slap me silly, I've run about six times the past couple of weeks in order to prepare for the 10K in June.

Gmaps Pedometer says I ran around 2.3 miles and walked an additional 3 tonight. I love this website.

I was feeling pretty good until my right butt cheek started hurting. Coach Bacon said it was the hills. Screw you hills! And while I'm at it, screw humidity too! It's hard for me to run when it's hot out. My chest gets tight and my skin gets all blotchy and purple. Fucking mutant.

Dear Mother Nature,

Please make the weather 40 degrees and clear on the morning of June 12, 2010 for my 10K race. I'm not a heat person and will have a difficult time running if it's hot out. Forty is cool for June, but it's not a stretch as NYC weather is already pretty manic. That's not a complaint - it suits my own mania.

I don't recall asking you for too many favors, except maybe to not give me lady-time during sex-with-a-new-partner-time. Unless it's someone I don't like, then they deserve the wounded clam.

The only other favor I might need is if I get married and want an outdoor wedding. Then again if I'm screwing guys I don't like I probably won't cash this one in.

Race, clam, wedding.

Thanks!

Boys

I haven't tried too hard to date since Tat. I miss having a boyfriend. I miss Tat too, but I know we are better friends. He already has another girlfriend anyways, the punk.

Thursday night I met Nas, a Mets, Jets, and comic book fan that just so happens to be visiting all of the baseball parks in the country. Perfect! The problem? He's only 24. That's YOUNG. Like pedophile young. He probably hasn't had his first hangover yet.

I knew he was younger when I started chatting him up, just not that young. I wasn't hitting on him or anything (really). We were both at the bar by ourselves and he was the closest person to me. I don't frequently drink on my lonesome but I do enjoy it on occasion. I planned on only having one celebratory drink for finishing my resume and of course, five hours later I was still at the bar. Nas was good company.

It was funny how the age difference came up. Nas said he's from a town near New Brunswick, so I said I went to Rutgers. He gave me "I'm going to be slick and then do math" eyes and asked, "When did you graduate?" I laughed and said ten years ago. His response (after the math), "Oh."

Oh is right. Naturally I asked him the same and he said he graduated two years ago. Now it's not confirmed that he's only 24, but I'm sure he would have said something if he was older considering it was pretty clear why we asked.

I was uncomfortable with the age difference. It stopped me from kissing him good night, but I did give him my number and accepted his friend request. (It's so gay that I just wrote that.) My mind was racing with silly premature nonsense: there's no future, does he have money to go out, does he party hard during the week, what would his friends say, what would my friends say, what would my parents say, blah, blah, blah. I finally snapped out of it yesterday, realizing I was making a big deal over nothing. It would be nice to see him again. In fact, maybe his adorable youthfulness will help lighten me up. I take things way too seriously lately. And aren't we both in our sexual primes???? Snootch.

There's another guy sitch as well. I hooked up with my friend Mick last night. I kept saying I don't like him, but I do. It took a while to admit this to myself because there are things about him I can't stand. He annoys the crap out of me with his negativity, racial slurs, and femenism. Not feminism, femenism. I made up a word because of him. "Femen" (rhymes with semen) are guys who act like whiny and dramatic teenage girls. Mick can be quite the femen at times. Why do I like him then? I feel good when I see him. I like when he laughs at my jokes. I love his roommate.

The thing is I don't know if I want to attempt to date him. I'm pretty sure I'd be rejected. Yes, we did just hook up but I know he's not looking for a girlfriend. I'm also feeling insecure physically. He's a smaller guy, much smaller than what I prefer. I know that shouldn't matter, but it does. I like guys who are 6'+ and 200+ because they make me feel petite and feminine. Mick's maybe my height and a buck fifty. I assume he'd prefer to date someone he can carry, but just because I'm hung up on that doesn't mean he is. Projecting insecurities and dating don't mix.

I'm also a little gunshy after Tat. While I miss having a boyfriend, I'm nervous to try and get one again. I don't want to get dumped or have to break up with someone. This probably won't be an issue with Nas, but it will be with Mick. Maybe I should just put myself out there and get it over with.

See? I told you I need to lighten up!!

Mommers Day

My mom's birthday is May 7th so every year we do a joint birthday/Mother's Day celebration. This usually consists of lunch, a movie, an argument, and me crying on the way home. Not this year though...

I am so happy to share that I had a GREAT time with my mom on Saturday. CAPS LOCK GREAT!

My dad dropped her off here in the morning on his way to visit his mom in upstate NY. Actually I think she's only 20 miles west of the city, but I consider anything outside of NYC "upstate." (Where the hell is Westchester??)

We had a big breakfast at a local diner, then headed into the city to see Babies at the Landmark Theater. It's a documentary about the first year in the life of four babies from California, Mongolia, Japan, and Namibia. It is amazing to see how differently each is raised, yet how similar they are in disposition and development. My mom and I both loved it.

From there we walked around a bit, did some shopping, got ice cream, then came back to Astoria for some evening drinking.

My parents aren't big drinkers. I've seen them drunk more now in recent years and even then it's only like three times total for my mom. WELL. After two 007s (orange vodka, orange juice, and 7Up), some funnies:

1. I admitted that it's hard for me to buy her Mother's Day cards because they always say, "Mother, you are the fire that lights my candle." or "Mom, You are my best friend. I miss making cookies and hugging." She laughed and said she had the same problem with buying cards for her mom. I told her I made up some in my head:

"Thanks for teaching me how to curse like a truckdriving sailor."

"Menopause doesn't erase the past, just your memories of it."

"I'm glad you got knocked up with me."

"I showed my love by pulling my punches."

"I'm sorry I stole your weed and replaced it with oregano."

"I know Rip's your favorite. I'm dealing."

2. She sang "clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right" while pointing at the annoying pubcrawlers on either side of her.

3. Repeated quote - "Are you sure there's really vodka in here?"

4. Another quote - "Man I should have made you start drinking when you were 8. We would have gotten along so well!"

5. She held onto me as we walked to get food because "she didn't want to be like one of those old Bay Ridge drunks stumbling down the sidewalk in broad daylight."

6. My mom never shuts up. (Shocking.) We were watching TV - she on the couch, me on the floor - when I realized she was quiet. Too quiet. I looked up to see her focusing on eating her chinese food with such intent that I thought she was going to inhale it through her forehead.

While some of the above may sound bad, it's classic Thighs family nonsense. We laughed a ton, had some nice fluffy chats, and enjoyed each other's company. My mom really is a cool, smart, caring, and funny woman. Sometimes it's hard to see past the past, but at least now I know it can be done. All it takes is some babies and some alcohol.

I love you, Mom. "Thanks for passing on the crazy."

I'm burnt

I keep trying to turn the lights on by flipping switches that never existed.

Today I went to flip my living room lights on from the wrong wall. Last week I tried to flip a switch by my microwave. This is bothersome considering my kitchen doesn't even have a light switch. There's a ceiling light with a dangling Guinness lanyard to turn it on and off instead.

I've lived here for six years. Man, I'm burnt.

I can't believe it's not...

Does anyone else's white bras look like you're lactating butter???

Jesus Christ! And I thought the armpits on my white shirts were bad!

A night with Tom Petty makes me sweaty.

It's Friday night. I'm home because I spent a shitload of money the past few weeks and don't have any spending cash until payday.

I never thought I'd say this, but I like budgeting. I fucked myself over with my debt in my twenties, but fortunately I took control of the situation before it got really bad. All things remaining equal (salary, interest rates, payments), I will be out of debt in three years. It's not ideal, but at least there's an end in sight. It could have been a lot worse.

To clarify, I am nowhere near as frugal as a person in debt should be. My monthly "budget" calculation is Gross - Bills - Needs (groceries, prescriptions, house/personal items, and laundry) = FUN MONEY! My fun money spending is then categorized in one of three ways:

Socializing - money spent in the company of others: movies, bars, dinner, bars, sporting events, plays, bars

Shopping - money spent on something I now own (besides the necessities) or lottery tickets. Yes, Ruth Clare has me playing the fucking lottery now.

Other - money spent on anything else which is usually food and coffee during work hours. I don't eat out everyday, but it sure adds up in Midtown.

I can't believe I'm going to admit this, but since April 15th (my budget always starts with that paycheck) I have spent $968.21 on fun. The previous week I spent $775.05 going to and hanging out in California. Holy moly.

So really, if you ever hear me complain I'm broke, please tell me to go fuck myself. I am not broke by any means, I just have disposable income that I'm really fucking good at disposing.

Case in point, I bought a six-pack tonight even though I told myself I couldn't spend any cash. I'm drinking Magic Hat Vinyl Spring Seasonal. It's okay. It probably tastes better on tap. Do they always write things on the bottle caps? I rarely buy beer to drink at home, so I never noticed. The title of this post was on the cap of my first beer. The second: "Buy your gal growlers with her flowers."

I like budgets and rhymes. And spending money.

I Love You Period

I wish I was wearing one of those fake pregnant woman bellies. Then the fact that I feel and look like I'm pregnant wouldn't bother me so much. Plus I can take it off.

Bethany Beer Gut is no longer a beer gut. I don't know what the hell she is now, but if she gets any bigger my innie belly button will be an outie soon.

My eating, drinking, and exercising habits haven't changed much so I guess it's due to Lady Time. I went off the pill back in July and didn't feel any negative reactions until recently. Besides the humongut, I now have a zit for the first time in thirteen years and get faint during PMS. Joy.

The only plus side of being off the pill is that I do feel calmer. The whole reason I went off of it is because I had a sneaky suspicion it was contributing to my crazy. I think I was right because I feel pretty darn stable now. Well, stable for me anyways.

The great debate of late with my girlfriends is which is better: being a fat, pimply, sane, condom-Nazi or a clear skinned, less bloated freakfest that gets the bareback once in a while?

Logically, if I look gross no one's going to want to bang me and we can't have that. If I look good I'll get some, but then the nuttiness will kick in and I'll drive whoever banged me away...

Better logic, why don't I just work out and buy some Proactiv then all I'll be is a condom-Nazi, which isn't a bad thing.

It could break though...and then what? Oh fuck. I take back what I wrote about wearing a pregnant belly...I don't want to jinx myself!!