Ambition

am·bi·tion
amˈbiSH(ə)n/
noun

• a strong desire to do or to achieve something, typically requiring determination and hard work.
• desire and determination to achieve success.

Ambitious people always seemed to be cutthroat, selfish jerk-offs to me.  I never really looked at ambition as a positive trait, grouping it along with materialistic or petty or mean.

So it was pretty funny last night when my psychiatrist Rah said, "Well, you've always been ambitious."

Wha-wha-wha???

I had a similar reaction a few years ago when a friend said I was confident. Confident?? Me? What the hell are you talking about?  I have low self-esteem, I am vulnerable, I obsess over what people think of me.  That said, most of the time I don't give a fuck, but that's not the same as being confident...is it?

I am ambitious.

I am confident.

I can feel my heart fill as I write these words. It's the strangest thing.

How have I gotten this far in life without knowing who or what or how I am?

What else am I missing??