Phew. Made it through this month. Good riddance!
I must say with all of the ups and downs of late, I'm feeling pretty darn good. I trust myself, I believe in myself, and doggone it, people like me.
February has always been a good month for me, so I'm looking forward to what the next few weeks bring. Hell, I'm looking forward to the whole damn year. I don't know what's on the horizon, but it's something good. Something I've been waiting for...
We shall see!!
I had three Smuttynose IPAs and a cider last night. I had so much fun, but man was I smashed. Barely-remember-the-night-smashed off of four beers. I do remember the music was really loud at the show*, although that's only because my ears are still ringing 24 hours later.
Where the hell did my tolerance go? And who let Ruth Clare out on a Friday night?
"Be damned you pesky alcohol and loud music! I'd rather be watching Wheel!"
I'm going to another show on Wednesday. I'm seriously considering wearing earplugs**. Is that rude?
*Here We Go Magic. I really liked them!
**I typed earmuffs first. Blonde.
Now that I stopped biting my fingernails and cuticles (almost) I seriously cannot stop admiring my natural french manicure. It's totally vain and I totally don't care.
I've always been a bit nail-obsessed to begin with, even when I had bloody sausage man-hands. In fact, that's probably the reason why. I'd look at women's hands on the subway, the bar, wherever and admire the shape of their nailbeds and their non-mutilated cutes. Then I'd look at mine and chew. So gross.
I kicked the habit back in August with only a couple of slip-ups since. The damn things grow so fast now that I actually have to cut them down. Thanks Biotin!
(This might be the most girly and superficial post I've ever written. I'm still typing only so I can feel my nails on the keys... sdjkfhkjsdashvkjiuaysfdahslgslidvuoyuyiwEURY;urweiuyrUIFSHDKLJSHVOUDOPWEYSDLHLKJHSDFHS;JKHFSDK. Hot.)
Now my NEW stove is trying to kill me.
Last night I attempted to cook my first real meal in years: chicken, broccoli, and brown rice. Easy peasy, right?
Halfway through I started feeling lightheaded, the same way I felt back in March when I got carbon monoxide poisoning from my old stove. I thought, "Nah, can't be. This is a new stove. I must be tired."
A few minutes later, I felt worse and thought, "I must have low blood sugar." (I only ate about 500 calories during the day.)
"I must be psyching myself out."
"I must be fighting domestication."
"I must be paranoid."
I must, I must, I must.
Twenty minutes later, I must lie down. Nausea, headache, spins, the works. I freaked out and called my mom. I don't know why I call her during moments like this when she's 70 miles away...
My parents didn't believe it was CO poisoning again. They figured I freaked myself out so bad that I was having a panic attack, which I eventually ended up having. I kept thinking my apartment building was going to blow. This is a ridiculous thought, but anyone who's had a panic attack knows that when an idea gets into your head you can't shake it. It's an awful feeling.
I finally calmed down about an hour later. The rest of the night was a bit of a blur. Around midnight I was sane enough to mentally walk through everything that happened at the stove. Something stuck out - I realized one burner's flame was more orange than blue and that the burner itself had burn marks on it while the others were clear.
For people who regularly cook or are just fans of fire in general, you probably know what this meant. I didn't so I had to look it up.
Cause: not enough oxygen is getting to the flame
Effect: orange flame, excessive CO production, CO released into kitchen
FUCKING FUCK FUCK. You gotta be kidding me, right??? Unfuckingbelievable. I DID have CO poisoning again. MOTHER FUCKER I AM NEVER COOKING AGAIN.
To fix this I either have to get someone to adjust the valves for a better air/fuel ratio or clean the burners in case something's blocking the openings. I'll end up doing both to be on the safe side, but right now I'm not doing either. I still feel like shit and I'm a bit paranoid, so I'm avoiding my kitchen at all costs for the night.
Stupid fucking stoves!!
I like this song.
Turn out the light
Just say goodnight to yourself
May I remind you
When you find you
Are all alone when you
You've got to be strong
That's when they call you in the night
He's got your picture in his mind
He's got your number on a paper
At his disposal anytime
Is it really true
Could you save yourself
For someone who could love you for you
So many times we just give it away
To someone who
Someone who
You met in a bar
The back of a car
And for a moment
You felt important
But not in your heart
Cuz my self esteem
It's been low
Go ahead and count,
It's been lower than low
I know the feeling
Of it stealing life out from under me
Cuz I want to learn
Can you save yourself
For someone who
Could love you for you
So many times we just give it away
To someone who couldn't even remember your name
Did you save yourself
For someone who loves you for you
And loves me for me
Or give it away
To someone who
Someone who
Can cherish your name
Cuz I want to learn
Did you save yourself
For someone who
Loves you for you
And loves me for me
Give it away
To someone who
Someone who
Cherish your name
Cherish your name
As excited as I was to post and boast about dating Tat on Facebook, I will never change my relationship status again. Or at least not until I'm married. Or not. Maybe.
I'm on Facebook enough to know what my friends are doing and to make comments here and there, but I wouldn't say I care too much about the site. Or so I thought.
Welcome to the new age of dating...Tat and I broke up last Saturday, but decided to break up on Facebook yesterday. We discussed it together both trying to figure out a way to avoid the dreaded, cringe worthy statement of "_____ is now Single" with the little broken heart added for our viewing displeasure.
Last night I sweated it out and am pretty sure I successfully changed my status without it showing up in the News Feed. If I'm wrong and you saw it, I don't want to know just please don't make a comment. The "Oh no! What happened??!?!?"s will upset me to no end.
The worst part about it is in Edit Profile, under "In a relationship with Tat BBQ" it said "Cancel Relationship."
Cancel? CANCEL?!?!?! You assholes! Nobody wants to CANCEL a relationship, at least not one that didn't involve adultery or battery or any other -ery. Why can't Facebook be a little more sympathetic??
"I'm sorry to present this option in your time of grief and/or confusion, but would you like to discreetly remove this name from your relationship status?"
Dicks. Facebook loses.
Not even a month in and 2010 is already an eventful year. The 23 day rundown:
The Jets are in the playoffs!! Holy crap! The year kicked off with Spags and I attending the 18 degree Sunday night football game against the Bengals. It was so much fun and sooooo friggin cold. I had on two pairs of socks, pants, and gloves, two scarves and hats, and at least five shirts/fleeces all under my big down winter coat. Check out the bundlage:
The Jets play the Colts in the AFC Championship tomorrow. Spags invited me to go out to Indy for the game!! How fucking cool would that have been? Unfortunately I am still paying off everything I did in my twenties, so my thirties are going to be local for a while. I'm sure it will be a blast whether they win or not!!
A couple days after the Cinci game I volunteered at an organization that donates art material to schools. As I was leaving I received a call from my landlord who said 3A complained about a leak that may be coming from my apartment (4A) and to call her back as soon as I get home.
When I got to my door, I noticed the top lock keyhole was crooked. Very odd. I walked in, flipped on the light in my bathroom and found it to be completely flooded. The worst part was all of the products in my cabinet were on the floor and someone, yes SOMEONE, had taken my bath mat and shoved it under the sink to try and sop up the water.
I flipped. My landlord and super do not have keys, so it was obvious someone broke in. I ran around my apartment to see if anything was missing and thankfully everything was okay. While it was clear they got in solely to fix the sink, it really upset me. It shouldn't have been that easy, so I made my landlord change the locks. I still to this day don't know who broke in.
Oh and get this, 4B had a clog in their sink earlier that day. The plumber came to snake it and somehow managed to miss the main pipe and poked a hole through mine. The 4B clog was gone, only because all of the water was pouring out into my bathroom. Joy! Moving on...
I was offered a new position at work. The role would have gotten me away from Tennis, but it was a lateral move. I would have lost all of my current projects and have to start over with someone new, so I declined. I'm proud in what I've accomplished to date and refuse to let my idiot boss ruin it. Nun is impressed with me and I trust he'll do what he can to make my situation better. We're operationally like minded; he enjoys taking on new projects and fixing things as much as I do. I've learned this is a trait few people have, so I'm riding it out a bit to see where this goes.
There are other traits that I value in myself and others. Honesty, maturity, patience, consideration, and good old fashioned niceness. I recently lost a few friends because they did not meet my expectations in these areas. My past is filled with fleeting friendships so over time I've accepted that these things happen, but I never thought they would in my thirties. It's not that there's an age limit on disappointment and drama, I just didn't expect to be hurt by people I truly cared about now.
The good news is this experience helped me redefine what "friend" means to me as well as helped me decide what kind of friend I want to be. The expectations I put on others are now the expectations I put on myself. If you're reading this, you are someone who means the world to me. In the wise words of the Golden Girls, I thank you for being my friend. I promise to be a better one.
Phew! That was a hard one to write, but not the hardest to go through. I not only broke up with a few friends, I also broke up with Tat last week.
I'm not ready to share the details. I don't know if I ever will on here. All I can write is that I am so incredibly sorry it didn't work out. Tat is one of the most genuine, kind, and loving people I have ever met. I'm glad I took a chance on love and let him into my heart. I'm so honored and flattered he let me in, too.
(I know the breakup is coming off as a footnote to everything else, but believe me it's not. It was the hardest decision I made in a long time. I don't think it's appropriate to write much more when everything is still raw for the both of us.)
So there ya have it. My 2010 to date. My new year's resolution is to be positive and keep moving forward, so despite the rough moments, I am hopeful. I think this year will be filled with good things for us all. Scratch that...I KNOW it will. Smiles.
