Something nice at work!

This week was stressful because it's all out in the open that my London project is going to be late.  Management meetings, emails, grumblings, finger pointing, the works. My stomach has been in knots.

Thankfully there were two very nice things today.

My boss Tank is super supportive and is doing what he can to help take the heat off me and hit our last ditch go/no-go date of mid-April.  No matter what happens, I can honestly say I am so happy to have met him. He is an all around great guy.

Another all around great person is this woman, Kay.  We've been on two big projects together and she has always done an amazing job. We were never especially close, but very cordial. The past few weeks we bonded over turning 40. Then sadly, her father passed away, so I'd check in with her to make sure she was okay. Her family is in India, so I felt bad she was in mourning so far away.

Today she came by my desk and handed me a card. She said it was for my birthday, but she kept forgetting to give it to me.

She walked away as I opened it. There was a nice message and a TD Bank gift card inside! It didn't have an amount on it, but still, wow!! It was such a thoughtful and completely unexpected gesture that I was a bit in shock.  I went running over to her desk and thanked her profusely.

A little while later I wrote her an email saying how much it meant to me after a hard week and how kind she was for doing this.  She wrote:

"You are welcome. You deserve to be treated special!"

Whaaa?? Me?? SO SWEET!

I felt weird immediately looking up the gift card amount, so I waited another hour or so.  I was still so surprised by it!! I figured maybe it was a few dollars for coffee or something...BUT IT WAS $50!! What the hell? I can't believe it!

This week really sucked because I feel like a complete an utter failure.  Then Kay just came out of left field and made me feel like I matter, that I'm actually a nice person, not some awful dragon lady fuckup that people hate working with.

Kay gave me so much more than $50. She made me feel appreciated, liked, and worthy.

That is priceless.

Thank you so much, Kay. It was the perfect gift at the perfect time.

Time to go...again

I'm starting to look for a new job again. It's painful because I tried really hard at Harpoon, but it's not working out.

It's also not as easy to look for a job this time around. I don't know if it's because I'm older, have much higher salary requirements, or am medicated. Maybe it's all three. I still get those intense impulses to quit without a job, but now I have a little more self-control.  I definitely want to leave as soon as possible, however I have to be patient. It'll take more time than it did in my 20s and 30s.

Nothing essentially bad happened. It's the same as it's always been with me and my jobs - I have high expectations, they are not met, I become so stressed out that I get sick, and I leave.  I've been in therapy since 2005 and I still can't figure out how to detach from work, how to say "it's just a job".  Work has and probably always will be the trigger to all of my issues because it's the one area of my life I can't control.

Now I don't mean I control MD or my friends or anything. By "control" I mean I actively created those relationships and worlds. I chose my inner circle and thankfully, they chose me too.  At work I can't choose anything.

The funny thing is on paper I SHOULD stay. Here are the pros of my current position:

1. I really like what I do. I've always loved problem solving and helping others. I also love the creativity of coming up with new processes and applications.

2. My boss Tank is the nicest guy in the world and has been very supportive.

3. I am paid well and have excellent benefits.

4. I've been sent to Paris and London numerous times for my projects.

5. I can work from home whenever I need.

6. I basically come and go as I please.

7. Every business person I've served to date is pleasant and appreciative. That's huge when you're in IT.

8. I've come a looooong way with managing my emotions and not lashing out, although I really do want to tell people to fuck off.

9. I learned a ton about business analysis, systems, and project management.

10. Lastly I've made good friends, but this doesn't really lead to me staying at a job because I know I will always keep in touch with the ones who matter.

The cons:

1. My job relies on development. I design a system, DEV has to complete it.  This is the problem at Harpoon - our DEV department is highly lacking efficient talent.

2. Because DEV doesn't deliver, I have to repeatedly apologize to the business for delays.  That's the hard part of being a business analyst - I have to woman up and accept responsibility if my project isn't going well.

3. My London project isn't going well. We aren't going to hit our deadline. I really tried to get ahead of the DEV issues, but I failed.

4. I do not want to fail, but senior management sets us up to fail. They set unrealistic timelines despite knowing the resource issues.

5. I had success with two projects and never once received the "standard" completion bonus that others received.

6. As glamorous as traveling the world sounds, I'm tired. I don't want to make any plans. I just want to veg out all the time. I miss doing stuff.

7. There is sexism in the department, but that's everywhere. Frankly most men don't know what to do with a strong and assertive female co-worker.  Yes I'm emotional, but fuck you.

So that's it. It's time to go again, but now I'm stuck trying to figure out what to do.

Ideally I win the lottery and go to art school and grad school full-time and finally become an art therapist.

WOW. I typed that last sentence REALLY fast.  I didn't even know I wanted to still do art therapy. WOW. I'm really surprised right now.

Holy shit, that's AWESOME!

Okay, okay. Shit, wow. I don't need to win the lottery to do this. I just need to be financially set.

Alright, what do I need to do?

1. I need savings. Portugal wasn't that expensive, but Hawaii will be. Also we owed a lot on our taxes this year. Step one - save money.

2. I can't sign up for classes if I have to travel this often. Step two - find a job with no travel requirements.

3. MAKE ART EVERYDAY. Even if I'm not in school I need to open myself up creatively.

4. Research programs.

5. Fucking smile because this is awesome. YAAAAAAY!!!