Wednesday, January 4

Real Love?

Things with MDLL are going SUPER well. He's still waiting to hear back from his lawyer about the divorce (it's a friend who is doing it for free, so he doesn't want to be too pushy), but other than that (yes, I know it's still a big BUT) things are awesome. He is more communicative than he's ever been. He's opened up about the divorce, where he is in life, how he feels about me, and where we are headed. We go on dates, he treats me well, and he's still the best kisser in the world. Each day we hang out I find myself falling more and more in love with him. It's amazing to me how he gets funnier, sexier, and more interesting every day.

Over the weekend we reflected on the past year, specifically how all of our ups and downs affected us. We laughed about it and pinky swore not to break up again. I told him I've held back on sharing my thoughts about our future because I was afraid I'd scare him off. He said not to worry about it; he thinks about our future, too. I shared a couple of things, like how we should have a Crazy Ass table at our wedding for all of our friends from the bar. I did not tell him that I regularly update my wedding guestlist spreadsheet and have been looking at bridal gowns. Yes, I have become THAT GIRL.

Truthfully it's fun being THAT GIRL. I am excited to be with MDLL, I am excited to be in love, and I'm excited to have met someone I actually want a future with. I've always had an overactive imagination, so it's natural for me to daydream about what our home, wedding, kid (I'm thinking one boy), and life will be like. What isn't coming natural is accepting all of this.

After ten years of failed relationships, I am having a hard time believing MDLL and I are together. I, Thighs McGee, have a boyfriend. I, Thighs McGee, have met the man I want to marry. ME. THIGHS. The former commitmentphobe Jedi-slut. WHAT THE WHAT?

I do not doubt MDLL loves me, cares about me, or that we are both in it for the long haul. Actually I'm not even sure if what I'm feeling is doubt...maybe disbelief? Here is an example:

Last night we went out to dinner, then took the train home together. He invited me to his place and I declined saying it was too cold (20 degrees). I just wanted to go home, put on fleece pants, and veg. He looked sad and said, okay well I want to hang out with you, so I'll come to your place. Sweet, right?

We spent the night snuggling and watching TV. It was perfect. He's perfect. At one point he got up and time sort of stood still. I stared at him and thought, "Is this real? This isn't real. This can't be real."

I can't believe it. How the hell did *I* find love? I've been single my whole life. I can tell you how to meet guys, how to get laid (simply ask them), and how to politely break up with someone, but I have no experience with long-term serious relationships. If we move in together, where/when can I talk to myself or laugh-cry in the fetal position? What happens if the sex gets boring? Will his family like me? Will we always be attracted to each other?

The funny thing is, I now think the roller coaster ride of our relationship actually made it easier for me to digest being one. MDLL had one foot out the door for months. I'm used to guys not liking me, so it was "normal" to feel like this was temporary. Now that he's invested in me and in us, it's a bit jarring. Holy-shit-I'm-someone's-girlfriend jarring.

As fun as it is being THAT GIRL, I know I'm not ready to move in with MDLL or get married yet. He needs to get divorced (duh) and I need to adjust to no longer being a spinster. Like I wrote in an earlier post, I am SUPER excited to see what this year holds for us. I just have to remember to take it slow.


Alix said...

So happy for you!!! I am happily picturing our names on your wedding spreadsheet (cause I am just gonna assume they are) and picturing what an amazing cleebration it will be :). Hope to see you soon in the new year!!

Jennifer Juniper said...

I am super happy for you as well. Though I think the wedding spreadsheet is a little nuts, but so are you so it fits. ;-) <3