First week back

I haven't taken a week off of work since the last time I went to California three years ago. It's amazing what ten consecutive days out of the office can do for the soul.

I, like many other people, usually come back from vacation with a new outlook on life. This time around my thought is this: I take myself waaaay to seriously.

This might seem odd coming from someone who loves poop jokes and reading comics (better yet, reading comics while pooping), but it's true. I need to lighten up. At the end of most days I am over-stressed, over-anxious, and scared. Scared of my own potential. Scared of success. Maybe even scared of living in general. Ooo, that last one just caused a pain in my heart and some tears so it must be true...

Take my job for example. I never wanted to like it at Minnow. I really didn't. My department blows, my boss is a moron, and there's no one to really learn from. After everything that happened last year, I wanted to wait to see what my raise would be and then decide whether to stay or go. Well, I got the standard increase and the worst part about it is my boss didn't tell me what it was before I got my paycheck. While I was in California I had to look at my paystub and figure it out. I was so disappointed and pissed that I almost broke my brother's laptop. Call me an ingrate, but fuck you. I know what I'm worth and I also know if a company truly values an employee they won't use the bad economy as an excuse to not compensate them.

I had insomnia the night before my first day back. I did some day drinking on Sunday, passed out around 8:30pm, woke up at 12:30am, and never went back to sleep. I tossed and turned all night dreading going back to the office. Ironically, being cracked out and exhausted all day Monday ended up being ideal. I was too tired to tell everyone to fuck off, too tired to care about anything. It was then that I realized I needed to stop taking everything so seriously.

I know who I am, what I am capable of, what I value in an employer, and what I expect of myself as an employee. Why stress myself out over any of it? I'll just keep moving jobs until I find the right fit.

After making this decision on Monday, I fought the urge to go my usual 100 mph and just coasted the rest of the week. I completed the few things I was told to do and that was it. It was uncomfortable, but fuck it. Wednesday and Thursday I took nice long lunches. Friday no one bothered with me until the end of the day when Nun hooked me up with some free Mets tickets for tonight's game. It was probably the best week I've ever had there.

This is how I plan on spending the rest of my time at Minnow. I'm going to relax while I can and not take the bullshit so seriously.

I've also decided to take my creative self less seriously. I haven't been writing, drawing, or coloring because it's not fun. I'm scared to be judged, scared of letting go, and above all else, scared to suck. This all changed when I went to the Tim Burton exhibit at MOMA on one of my long lunches. It was so inspiring. I appreciate his artistic vision and self-awareness. The FUN he seems to be having. In reality he might be incredibly hard on himself and completely anal, but at least he is free. He allows himself to DO something. A lot of somethings actually. The exhibit made me realize that I can be creatively free as long as I always remember it's supposed to be fun, so I've already started outlining some of the short stories I had brewing in my head for a while now.

So there ya have it. My first week back I started taking myself less seriously and I already find life more enjoyable.