Work from "Home"

When Harpoon moved downtown, my department decided to give us a work from home day for morale. Such an awesome gesture. I picked Wednesdays to break up the week. WHIP'EM OUT WEDNESDAYS! "EM" are my thighs not my breasts, though. I never wear pants when I'm home. This is probably why I never have guests either.

Home. Living with MD has been wonderful. Sincerely. I love waking up with him, snuggling as we watch TV, cooking (!!), going to bed together. My favorite is hearing the door unlock and knowing he's home. It is everything I imagined it would be. Of course there are things I didn't imagine, but I'll get to that.

Yesterday was our six month moveversary. It feels like I moved ages ago. While I love living with MDLL, I really, really miss my old apartment.

Delilah Foray was the first place I ever truly felt at home. I never felt at ease in Jackson. I really liked my college apartment, but it was a shithole, I had 3-6 roommates at various times, and I was rarely sober. My grandmother's apartment in Bay Ridge was comforting because I felt her spirit with me, but I only stayed there a few days a week to get away from my parents and shorten my commute from NJ. It wasn't until I moved to Astoria that my life changed.

"Home" became somewhere I was safe. Somewhere I was free to be my true self. Somewhere without pain, confrontation, and stress. Somewhere that gave me strength. I never knew a happy and healthy home could do this because I never had one before. 

I have a habit of naming inanimate objects. It's kind of my thing. It was different when I named my apartment, though. It somehow had more power and impact. Delilah Foray was more than my home. She became my best friend and now she's gone.

We decided I should move into MD's place for financial reasons. Delilah was cheaper, but his apartment was only a couple hundred more a month for two bedrooms rather than one. It is a nice place and as everyone who's visited has said (I do actually have guests), it's an upgrade. Dee was an old apartment with lots of decorative molding and scratched up wooden floors. MD's place was renovated a few years ago and has a cleaner updated look. I guess.

I realize now we should have gotten a new place. If you're money-focused, then moving into a cheaper apartment is probably all that matters. If you're like me, and looking for a safe-haven, then don't take the easy and cheap route. Find a place that speaks to you. MD's apartment doesn't. Or maybe I'm just not listening.

Maybe it would have helped if I had all of my stuff here. Delilah's furniture was hand me down, so I tossed it all except for my bed, desk, and bookcase. They are set up in the second bedroom along with most of my other belongings. I guess I feel a bit like my stuff is banished to the room we never use. Actually I don't know why I never use it. Huh. I need to make a point to hang out in there more often.

I also don't really like the layout. The stove shares the wall with the bedroom. How is that possible?? I've never heard of such a thing. I asked MD if we can switch the bedroom and living room, but the living room faces the street so it's super loud. Oh that's another thing. Our building is an "H" design, and we are in the "-" part so we don't have a view or get a lot of light. Delilah was super bright with a great view and the stove on the opposite end of the apartment!!! She was the best!! WAH!

Our apartment number is 3EB, so naturally I named the place Threebio like C-3PO's Threepio nickname. Naturally. The name isn't really sticking though. I find myself saying "Bye Dee" still, then quickly saying "Bye Threeb!" as to not hurt its feelings.

I just really want my best friend back. Yeah, yeah, I live with my real best friend now and it's awesome blah, blah, blah. It's not the same though. Delilah and I were together for ten years. TEN YEARS. It will take time to get over her. Or maybe I never will. She'll always be my first true home.

MD to MDLL to MD

Obviously I've had quite the tumultuous relationship with M. It took us a long time to get our shit together, but in the end it was all worth it. I learned two very important things:

1. Never give up

2. Never surrender

Okay, I might have learned that from Galaxy Quest, but it applies to our relationship as well. I did not give up on M. I did not surrender to "logic" or the idea it was over, at least not until last January when I really was done. Then HE didn't give up. HE came after ME. That's when I knew we both would keep fighting and last a lifetime. 

So, in the beginning he was MD. 

He then became MDLL. 

Now I'm going back to MD. He has become the man I always knew him to be.

Stink Stank Stunk

I hadn't shaved my armpits in about a week. A strange oversight since I usually shave them everyday or, at least every day I shower.  Weekends are iffy.

Today I finally remembered to shave. GET THIS. My armpits stink! Noticeably so! I did not smell bad with hair. Someone look up if this is a thing. I'm too lazy to Google.

And I forgot to put on deodorant.

Buzzkill

It's Friday night and I'm home.  I didn't have any plans this week except for two therapy appointments. That's kind of my life now. Or is it? I don't know. I have this habit of forgetting what my life was like a week ago, a month ago, whenever.  The laps around the fishbowl are getting shorter.

I feel like the most boring person in the world. Why you ask?

Well, I kind of gave up drinking.

LAME.

Obviously I've always been a big drinker. HUGE. Thighs "Binge" McGee.  This year has been different, though.  I don't really want to drink.

I started my bipolar medication, Lamictal, back in January. I drank like usual through March, except for a week in New Orleans which was 10 times more than usual.  By April something changed. The urge to get drunk left. I don't want to get fucked up. I don't even really want to go to bars. It's the weirdest thing.

The first time I drank I got bombed off of Strawberry Hill Boone's. I was 12. So that's about 25 years of on again/off again drinking. I loved getting drunk. I loved beer. I loved being a barfly. Tonight I went to Crazy Ass to give a friend a birthday gift.  I drank two sips of a vodka soda and half a Captain and Coke. All I wanted to do was come home.  WHAT. THE. FUCK.

The only thing that's changed this year is my medication. I always knew getting fucked up was a way for me to self-medicate, but maybe the Lamictal changed all that.

Let me clarify though. I still do occasionally drink, but it's nowhere near the amount I used to down.  I barely drank April and May. Not even once a week. This past Saturday at my parents' party I had maybe 7 or 8 vodka drinks over 12 hours. That's nothing. MDLL's birthday two weeks ago I probably had 10 drinks over three days. So it's not that I'm done drinking. I'm done WANTING to drink.  

I was worried MDLL would think I was boring. For a couple of days I thought maybe we had nothing in common.  Our whole relationship was built around drinking until 5am. Now I can barely stay at a bar for an hour if I even bother going at all. When I told him my concerns he lovingly laughed and said, "You could never be boring." I'm smiling.

This would all be easier if I had other plans, but lately I've been a homebody, too. A sober homebody. I'll probably go into this in another post, but one bad thing the Lamictal has done was increase my depression.  Or, as Cee said, it could be I'm more depressed because I stopped drinking. Who knows? I don't really feel like doing much of anything, so I'm just bumming out. UGH UGH UGH. I don't want to be a bummer!!

Is this post stupid? I feel like it's stupid. Regardless, I'm so glad I'm writing again.

A year later...

I am so excited to write again. It's been too long. I've missed Thighs, I've missed sharing, and I've missed me.

This year has been nutty, per usual. Shall I do the rundown for old times' sake?

1. I MOVED IN WITH MDLL. WHAAA?? Yep, that's right. I am in a committed serious relationship and Delilah Foray is no longer my home. 

2. I was officially diagnosed as bipolar. : ) :

3. I finished my baseball tour!!! All 30 ballparks!! 

4. I started a new job at Harpoon last May. It's okay. I love my coworkers and I make amazing money, but I am having some of my typical workplace issues. 

5. I weigh 210 pounds.

6. I just laughed out loud after writing number five. Not at the number, but at my 36 year fixation with my weight in general. 

7. I'm 36.

8. I've read five whole books in the past two months - The Road, The Fault in Our Stars, Harry Potter 1, 2, and 3. I'm also 100 pages in HP 4 and 600 pages in ASOIAF: Clash of Kings. All this because Harpoon moved from midtown to downtown, so my commute takes twice as long. I'm not thrilled, but I am happy to read again.

9. I graduated from Wheel of Fortune to Jeopardy.

10. My newest hobby is doing crosswords. I used to only do the Sunday Times, but I recently bought the online daily subscription. It's only $40 for the year! The Sunday Times was $5 a week alone!

11. My debt is back up again due to all of my baseball trips. I'll be able to pay it off in a year and a half, if I try.

12. I spent Christmas in Pittsburgh with MDLL's family. It was a wonderful trip, but strange to not be with my own family. I never knew how much I liked tradition.

13. My family is good! There was a rough patch last summer over me getting back with MDLL before his divorce was final, but we are all one big happy clan now. I love that they love him.

14. MDLL'S DIVORCE IS FINAL, FINAL-FINAL, I AM NOT LYING THIS TIME FINAL. 

15. I'm surprised at the order of this list.

16. I am only seeing my therapist Cee once a month. We decided it was best to do weekly sessions with my psychiatrist Rah, so he can track my progress and issues on my new medications. The issues are a'plenty.

17. My coldergies I really bad today. So bad all I wanted is soup even though it's 85 degrees with 100% humidity. (I don't know if it's actually 100% humidity, but it feels like it.)

18. I'm all for pooping at work because we are human and that's what toilets are for. Holy hell though, someone's poop pooped because even with my cold I could smell the awfulness. Courtesy flush, people!!

19. Another new hobby is hating humanity, which is partly why I now have a team of psychiatrists.

20. Now that I'm back in publishing, I know why I left. 

I'm not sure what else I can say...is it sad I summed up a year plus in only 20 statements? Items? Thingies? Whatever.

It's nice to be back. I hope I stay for a while.

21. I learned I've been using "awhile" wrong. Example:

Friend: "I'll come to the show, but I can't pay you until next week."

Me: "No prob. I'll get the tickets awhile and you can pay me whenever!"

By "awhile" I mean "now" or "in the meantime". Like "I'll get the tickets now even though you can't pay me right away."  It makes perfect sense to me, but it's wrong. My mom says it wrong, too. I don't know how many times I've made this mistake in my blog. Feel free to count if you're bored!