Nerdspeak

I am running an analysis that has 625 columns and 30,000 rows broken up over 6 excel spreadsheets. For non-nerds, this is a huge report.

I wish I was outside! Wah!

Slackin' Dackin

I thought I should write since I'm buzzed, online, wearing shorts (if Bacon wasn't here I'd be pantsless), and haven't posted in a while. Slackin' dackin.

How do I sum up my life lately? The word of the day...freedom.

I don't feel free at all. I feel bound by my poor decisions of the past 10 years in regards to finances, men and my health, bound by my self-consciousness and paranoia, bound by my career path, bound by everything. I say/write all this knowing full well that I'm not really bound by any of these things (except maybe my debt), it's just an epiphany I had today that I'm still making sense of.

What do I consider freedom? Waking up on a beautiful day like today and not having to go to work. Wearing a bathing suit without shorts (it all comes back to the thighs). Writing, drawing, creating without self-constraint or fear. Traveling. Buying things without worrying about my budget. Not having to think about finding a boyfriend. Not wondering if this is what my life will be like for the next 40 years.

Do you see the common bond to all these things? They're almost all negative statements! Without and not. Where's the with and will?? I have to consciously force myself to say positive things. It's positively annoying.

I'll end with Tourette's:

fuckshitbitchcocksuckingmotherhorsefuckingdipshitassmonkeyfistfuckingshitwaddicklickingcrabappleumbrella

Sometimes it's just nice to curse it out.

Pageants Suck

The interweb is all a buzz with Miss California's answer to whether or not gay marriage should be legal. I actually caught it live last night as I was flipping around waiting for Rock of Love Bus Reunion to start. Ironically, Miss C's answer was more shocking to me than anything Bret's ladies have done all season, except for maybe the vag shot.

Basically she said she believed marriage should only be between a man and a woman. It was pretty fucked up in my opinion, especially since she started off saying how great it is that people have the right to choose in this country, but in HER country, no one should have any rights.

I assume she said this because of her religious beliefs which always makes me wonder, if you were truly at one with your god and religion, why would you care what anyone else believes, who they love, or how they live?

I will never understand why legalizing gay marriage is such an issue for people. Unfortunately, they will never understand why this is such a non-issue for me. Sucks. So do pageants.

Cheatin' Bastard

Wow. I can't believe I barely posted this month. I have about four or five half-written ones that I never got around to finishing, so I'm going to cheat by publishing them with a back-date this week.

Hmmm...is it really cheatin' if it's my own blog? Whose rules are these???

Subtle Butt

What, me worry? This made my week:

Subtle Butt, the disposable gas neutralizer

A company called The Pond Inc. is now selling a product called "Subtle Butt", billed as a fart neutralizer, to eliminate smelly flatulence.

It's an activated carbon fabric pad, measuring 3.25" x 3.25" square, and adheres to the inside of your underwear with two self-adhesive strips.

As the wind breaks, Subtle Butt filters the flatulence, absorbing and neutralizing its odor. Now you can eat as many burritos you want and still have a social life.

Blah.

Minnow let people go yesterday. No one knows what's happening, no announcements have been made. Just a whole lotta rumors and closed doors. It's pretty bad.

I was really pissed off at this one department today. They're the group that says, "Not to pass the buck..." every single time they want something done, but don't want to do it. I can't stand them! The one guy walks like he has a closet pole for a spine and the other guy is gay. I didn't think I had a problem with gay people, but today I found myself repeatedly thinking, "Fuck you, you fucking fuck. I want to punch you in your gay face!"

I couldn't understand why they bothered me so much today, so I stewed until I figured it out. My anger sat in my chest growing and growing until it became a Zeloch fireball. Once it becomes a fireball I either launch it out of me like an evil Care Bear Stare or keep it inside and find the core. Today I decided to dig.

I turned my anxiety and the anxiety of those around me into anger against these two dickwads. Being angry is usually my first emotional reaction to a stressful situation. I get angry because initially I really am angry, but I STAY angry only when I don't take the time to figure out what's truly bothering me. Today it was worry, stress, disappointment, and guilt.

Worry - I'm not as worried as I should be about losing my job. I feel like things will always work out. I'm more worried about the unknown. What will happen? What will my role be? Do I even care? If I don't care, why am I still working here?

Stress - I took this job because it was an easy paycheck. Now that my health is in order and I have my life back, the role has served its purpose. The stressful part is figuring out where I want this role to take me, if anywhere.

Disappointment - This round of layoffs was poorly handled. I think a good company makes sure the people who leave have their dignity and those that stay know what's going on. Minnow should know better.

Guilt - I feel guilty that I don't try my hardest at this job. Part of me is really afraid I'll make myself sick again. I've grown up a lot the past year so I don't think it will happen again, but it's still in the back of my mind. I have to remind myself to not lose sight of what matters most: my friends, my family, and my well-being.

Disappointment 2 - I'm also disappointed that I'm not trying my hardest. This is so unlike me when it comes to work. I deserve better than this. I should allow myself to shine.

Worry 2 - Now that I'm writing about this I AM worried I'll lose my job. I got bills to pay! At least I'm not a financial ignoramus anymore.

Blah. This sucks.