Blah.

Minnow let people go yesterday. No one knows what's happening, no announcements have been made. Just a whole lotta rumors and closed doors. It's pretty bad.

I was really pissed off at this one department today. They're the group that says, "Not to pass the buck..." every single time they want something done, but don't want to do it. I can't stand them! The one guy walks like he has a closet pole for a spine and the other guy is gay. I didn't think I had a problem with gay people, but today I found myself repeatedly thinking, "Fuck you, you fucking fuck. I want to punch you in your gay face!"

I couldn't understand why they bothered me so much today, so I stewed until I figured it out. My anger sat in my chest growing and growing until it became a Zeloch fireball. Once it becomes a fireball I either launch it out of me like an evil Care Bear Stare or keep it inside and find the core. Today I decided to dig.

I turned my anxiety and the anxiety of those around me into anger against these two dickwads. Being angry is usually my first emotional reaction to a stressful situation. I get angry because initially I really am angry, but I STAY angry only when I don't take the time to figure out what's truly bothering me. Today it was worry, stress, disappointment, and guilt.

Worry - I'm not as worried as I should be about losing my job. I feel like things will always work out. I'm more worried about the unknown. What will happen? What will my role be? Do I even care? If I don't care, why am I still working here?

Stress - I took this job because it was an easy paycheck. Now that my health is in order and I have my life back, the role has served its purpose. The stressful part is figuring out where I want this role to take me, if anywhere.

Disappointment - This round of layoffs was poorly handled. I think a good company makes sure the people who leave have their dignity and those that stay know what's going on. Minnow should know better.

Guilt - I feel guilty that I don't try my hardest at this job. Part of me is really afraid I'll make myself sick again. I've grown up a lot the past year so I don't think it will happen again, but it's still in the back of my mind. I have to remind myself to not lose sight of what matters most: my friends, my family, and my well-being.

Disappointment 2 - I'm also disappointed that I'm not trying my hardest. This is so unlike me when it comes to work. I deserve better than this. I should allow myself to shine.

Worry 2 - Now that I'm writing about this I AM worried I'll lose my job. I got bills to pay! At least I'm not a financial ignoramus anymore.

Blah. This sucks.