Sunday, April 10


All is well today. It's the first time in a while that I feel like I'm beating whatever the fuck is wrong with me. I have finally fully admitted to myself that my anxiety levels are through the roof. I'm anxious about being anxious ALWAYS.

Where did I last leave off?

My MRI results were fine. THANK SHIZZA. The inner ear imbalance was an accurate diagnosis, although it doesn't cover all of my symptoms. My doctor gave me some visual and coordination exercises to help level me out. I wonder if being tipsy is temporarily helping my balance as I seem to feel better after a night of drinking. Only me!!

The pain in my foot was so bad that it travelled up into my knee as well. The podiatrist said there was nothing wrong with my foot so the pain must be coming from another part of my body. The neurologist jumped right on it and gave me a nerve test which consisted of about 50 electrical shocks to my arms and legs. She also took some blood to find out once and for all if my Lymes is back. Did I mention this possibility yet? No? I had Lymes when I was ten, yada, yada, yada, it tends to come back in a woman's thirties. Whatever. I've been x-rayed and pricked (heh) like a zillion times this month. It's getting fucking old.

Work is okay. I'll be in Philly Monday through Thursday this week and next. I'm really nervcited about it. When will the anxiety go away?? Gah! I went clothes shopping today to make myself feel more confident. I bought a lot of nice tops, but still haven't found pants that fit me right. Oh well. I'll try again next weekend.

My social life is the only thing keeping me sane (!!) lately. I love all of my friends so incredibly much. I feel guilty that sometimes I can't enjoy their company as much as I'd like to because I'm not feeling well, but I don't know if they ever notice. I've become a pretty good actress hiding all the shit going on inside. I'm not usually one to hide anything, it's just that every fucking week it's something so I don't want to sound like a whiny hypochondriac fuckwad. I forgot to mention the corneal eye infection I got out of nowhere last Tuesday. It felt like there was glass in my eye. Fantastic.

I wasn't able to hide anything yesterday, though. MD and I were laying in bed chatting when I started crying about how stressed I am with this new job. He was really, really sweet about it. He's been really sweet a lot lately, this week especially. We've hung out every day since Tuesday. I love being with him.

I was seriously okay with not talking about "us" or being his girlfriend up until last night. I got jealous and started to worry I was going to lose him. I'm glad. It was sort of weirding me out how detached I've been the past month or so. Very unlike me.

Anyhoo, he helped me realize why I'm so anxious about my life. I don't trust myself or have faith things will work out. Be it my health, job, or relationships, I'm constantly on edge and worried. I guess I've always been a worrier, but the past few months take the cake. The good news is I feel better knowing where the stress is coming from. The bad news? I don't quite know how to fix it yet. How do you learn to trust yourself again?

1 comment:

Heather said...

Leaps of faith. And support from those drunk folks you call "friends." xo