I want it back.

As crazy as it sounds, I was thrilled to find out I have mono. I am no longer thrilled.

I've written about my frustrations with being sick and not knowing what was wrong, but truthfully I haven't written as much as I wanted to the last couple of months fearing I'd sound like a whiny, ungrateful, depressed hypochondriac.

Well, fuck it.

I HATE THIS. I HATE THIS FUCKING YEAR. I HATE FEELING LIKE SHIT. I HATE THAT I CAN'T DO WHAT I FUCKING WANT TO DO.

Friday I felt better than I have in months. Just knowing what was wrong helped lift my spirits. I was Happy with a capital H.

Saturday I started my medication. My hysterical and embarrassing medication. The neurologist prescribed me Valtrex. HA! Apparently it helps ease the symptoms of Epstein-Barr, chronic fatigue, and mono. I was on herpes meds for the kissing disease. Oh you!

Notice I wrote "was on." Sunday MDLL and I went out for an early dinner. I felt really good until about halfway through my meal when I got queasy. I thought maybe it was the sliver of pumpernickel bread and third of a margarita combined with the meds, so I stopped eating. A few hours later I was in the same anxious, woozy, and lightheaded state I frequently was earlier this year. It sucked. Unfortunately I couldn't relax because I needed to pack for my four day business trip to Philly. Timing is an amazing concept.

Monday I felt okay. I was able to make it to Philly and focus at work for the most part. By the evening I was a mess again. As soon as I ate dinner I passed out. It was scary how sudden it happened.

Tuesday was a little better. I decided to decrease my dosage from four pills a day down to two. I'm glad I did because Wednesday was a shit show.

I ate breakfast (muesli with currants, apple slices, cranberries). The neurologist also said to take B12 everyday so at around 10:30am I took it with a banana and a little coffee. About an hour later I got sick. I couldn't get out of my chair. I was so woozy I was afraid to stand up. At noon everyone left to go to lunch and I just sat there wondering if I should go to the hospital. My throat closed up, I couldn't focus, my heart was pounding because I was in a full blown panic. I finally managed to get up and walk to where everyone was eating lunch by doing some lamaze breathing along the way. I thought maybe I just needed to eat something, but once I got into the conference room and looked at the food I knew I had to leave. I turned to this one really nice woman who knew I had mono and said I need to lay down. She took one look at me and said go to the hotel and call us if you need anything.

I got to the hotel and started hysterically crying. I'm not quite sure how to describe how I felt. There's no pain, just this horrible wave of exhaustion, nausea, and anxiety. I didn't know if I should call an ambulance or what, so I did what most helpless 33 year old single women do. I called my mom. After much debate we decided since I didn't have the energy to leave on my own my dad would come get me. That's twice this year he came to my rescue.

Around 2:30pm I had just enough energy to pack, check out, and call Iron (my boss in case you forgot) to tell her what happened. I was so embarrassed, but there wasn't any choice. She was really nice about it, even offered to come get me herself. Thank Shizza.

At 3pm I decided I needed to eat something again. I'm still off the bread, so whenever I order a sandwich I just eat the insides. I had some turkey, cheese, lettuce, and tomato. Why am I telling you everything I ate that day? Because BOOM, I was sick immediately after I ate again.

I got to Jackson around 7pm. The rest of the night I just laid there and cried. All of my symptoms from this year came back. I couldn't sleep so since the Valtrex knocks me out I decided to take one pill at 1am. It worked.

The next morning I felt like shit again, so my mom said enough is enough and took me to the ER. She was worried that my spleen was enlarged because apparently that happens with mono. The doctor said my organs are fine, stop taking the Valtrex and get plenty of rest and fluids. I told her how it only seems to happen when I eat and that I thought I had candida and/or celiac earlier this year. She said it's a possibility since both are common in people with autoimmune diseases. If I did have candida, it could lower my immunity. It's also possible the medication is contributing to a yeast overgrowth. I can't fucking win.

My mom brought me back to Queens yesterday afternoon. My insides and mind are a fucking wreck. I feel as bad as I did in January when I first thought I had a food intolerance. I still have no idea if it was actually the Valtrex that did this or what, so only time will tell once it leaves my system. I've called my neurologist four times since Wednesday and I still haven't heard back from her. I didn't think she was an asshole.

There's nothing I can do now except watch what I eat, drink lots of water, and rest. I'm trying my best to be positive about all of this. Well, trying NOT to be negative. It's not working.

I fucking hate that I can't go out, can't give my all at work, can't fucking eat or drink anything without fear of getting sicker. I wanted to start going to the gym this week and buy a bike for the bike tour, but at this point isn't worth doing since walking up the block to Rite Aid was hard enough. I'm worried that I've annoyed all of my friends with yet another episode of ridiculous health shit. I'm worried that MDLL is going to get bored with me always being sick and go out and meet someone else. I'm worried I'm going to get fired. I'm worried that I'm never going to feel any better and I've wasted my life being drunk rather than checking things off my bucket list.

Okay...I know I'm not dying. I don't have cancer, I don't have MS, I have mono. It happens. But four months of living like this does not feel like living at all. It feels like shit.

So there you have it. This is me being a whiny, ungrateful, depressed hypochondriac. Well I guess I'm not a hypochondriac because I actually know I have mono now, but whatever. Every fucking week something was wrong this year and I can't imagine the mono was the cause of all of it...

I seriously can't take this anymore. I want my fucking life back.