Please today!

A couple of months ago when I was cooking I noticed it smelled like gas in the cabinet near the stove. I didn't think much of it because the stove was on and usually smells like a bit of gas anyways.

This week I noticed the cabinet smelled like gas even when the stove was off. I cringed at the thought of calling ConEd or the fire department YET AGAIN, then realized it is better to be a nervous dickhead than a murderer.

They came last night. I had a gas leak. Sammy the ConEd guy was super nice. He tightened the valve and told my super it needs to be replaced immediately. My super is here replacing it now. He showed me my valve compared to a new one. It was like comparing The Cryptkeeper to a baby. STOVEGATE 2011!!

Yesterday morning I woke up tired and nauseous. Both are known side effects of Zoloft. It seemed like an episode of my stomach issues again, though. All day I felt like shit, then I came home, dealt with ConEd, and headed to the bar for MDLL's birthday. I didn't last long. I ate a piece of chicken and went home. It was the same feeling I've had in the past, a wave of exhaustion and a twisted feeling in my intestines. I was able to sleep fine and I feel okay this morning so far although I'm still nauseous and now my intestines feel empty and raw. In related news, pooping is not fun anymore.

I don't think I'm eating enough for all of the medication and vitamins I'm taking. My daily diet for the last month is pretty much this:

2-3 scrambled or hard-boiled eggs
greek yogurt
blueberries or raspberries
2 pieces of grilled chicken with asparagus or spinach salad with grilled chicken, asparagus, avocado, celery with olive oil
almonds
more blueberries or raspberries
dinner lately is either 2-3 tacos, a burger (no bun, sometimes fries), quinoa with a vegetable, or grilled chicken

I need and want to start introducing more foods and calories back to my diet, but episodes like last night hold me back. On Tuesday I added broccoli and carrots to my salad. Yesterday morning I had one sip of coffee because I was so tired. Other than that it's been pretty much the above. In case you're not familiar with gluten-free and yeast-free diets, it's like Atkins. Here's the food list I've been consulting: Whole Approach Candida Diet.

On top of that I haven't finished something due today at work. Also, I don't think MDLL understands we are breaking up. While he didn't do many romantic things, he is super affectionate and continued to be so last night. I know he does care about me, but we need to end this for a while. Apparently I need to be more forceful.

GAH. It's only 8:30am. Please be a good day today!

Breaking up...again.

MDLL and I are breaking up. Well, I broke it off last night, but we are going to hang out the next two nights for his birthday. So it's like a break up week.

The new information brought up some things I ignored for the past four months because a) I wasn't feeling well, b) he made me feel TONS better, c) I was SUPER happy, and d) I thought things were changing.

I was hoping MDLL would spend our week apart reflecting and taking action. He didn't. I don't know if he will for a while.

The other issue besides his complacency was the lack of romance. MDLL hasn't gone out of his way to get me a gift or do something thoughtful, take me out on a date he planned himself, or verbalize his feelings. I thought it was just a boy thing or his way, but now I realize it is a reflection of what he thinks of me. I'm still a friend with benefits after all this time.

We're right back to where we always end up - I am committed to him on all levels, but he isn't committed to me.

This morning I felt guilty about my decision. It was combination guilt of putting my needs first and leaving him at a rough (?) time.

By the afternoon I was proud. I can honestly say I tried my hardest to make things work. July 6th would have been ten months since we met. This was my longest adult relationship, even with the breaks in between. I broke six months, woo hoo!! I would have went even longer if given the chance. Hell, I would have married him if he asked.

Who knows? Maybe down the road we try again. My gut says this is it, though. I need and deserve to be with someone who wants to be with me.

I am ready to move on.

Sorry Pee-Wee!

So this happened:




HAHAHAHAHA! Oops!

Boooo fast weekend!

My weekends are going by faster and faster, even without raging hangovers. Damn you raging soberovers!

The weeklong break with MDLL lasted four whole days. I called him Friday night. We texted a bit tonight, too. We didn't hang out at all, which was good. While I miss him a lot I needed a weekend to myself.

I stayed in Friday night. Saturday was a full day. I went shoe shopping again. No luck on supportive summery sandals/shoes yet, although I have a good idea of what I want now. I'm avoiding all flip flops and any other shoe with the big toe/second toe (pointer toe?) hold. I really think years of wearing those shoes contributed to my foot spasms.

Did I mention Cee holds focusing workshops? It's sort of like group therapy, but with more structure and participation. Group therapy can be shitty if one person takes up the whole session. I know that sounds mean, but it can get annoying. Ironically this weekend's workshop was about listening. I like to think I'm a good listener, but there are PLENTY of times I can't wait to talk. I'm very quick to make it about me, giving MY advice or MY opinion or telling a similar story from MY life. That's a conversation, right? Of course it is, but there are times where all the other person needs is to be heard. I like this.

I walked past a friend's restaurant after therapy. I rarely go in, but my instincts told me I should. I saw my friend at the bar. We chatted for a couple of minutes when a woman sat down next to me. It turns out she was a tarot card reader, so I asked for a reading. It was fantastic. She was pretty vague about some things in my past and well, I have no idea what the future will bring but it was nice to connect with someone on a psychic plane. Laugh it up, fuzzball.

After the card reading I headed over to Juniper's BBQ. Mick was there of course (they are roommates) and MY GOD I cannot believe he and I hooked up a year ago. No interest in doing that again whatsoever. I really do like him as a friend, though!

I had a lot of fun at the BBQ (thanks J!), but I was a bit freaked out for a couple of hours. The Zoloft made me feel like I was on speed. My eyes were wide open, my mouth was super dry, my mind was racing, and I couldn't stop talking. I sort of wanted to jump out of my skin. I know it will be better in a couple of days. I feel fine now. I can't remember what it was like the last time I started the meds. I was so far gone then, though. It's different now. I feel better than I did back in 2006 FO' SURE. I hadn't started Thighs yet, so maybe I'll look at my journals from that year.

Today I went to Target and DSW for another failed shoe shopping attempt. I love Target. I want everything in that damn store. I tried on a few cute dresses (!!), but I took the wrong sizes into the dressing room and was too lazy to go back to get the right one. Larges were hanging off of me. I gotta tell you, it's fucking awesome! Sure the weight loss started for a crappy reason, but now I'm enjoying it. I'm excited to start working out soon! Oh and I'm also ready to start introducing more foods. I can tell because I'm starting to crave carbs. I don't plan on eating wheat ever again, though. It's not worth it.

I made MDLL a mint chocolate chip ice cream pie. He told me his mom used to make it for his birthday every year, so I thought I'd surprise him with one. I hope he likes it!

Crap. It's midnight. I can't believe it's Monday already. Boooo fast weekend!

Relieved

Soooo...this week was not good. Not good at all.

Today is the first day I am focused, strong, hopeful, and now relieved.

Why relieved? Primary and I decided it's time to go back on Auntie D. I was strongly opposed to the idea up until yesterday. Enough is enough. I was NOT functional this week. Sure I made it to work, but I couldn't be bothered to do a damn thing. I cry at the drop of a hat, I fuck around online (ahem), and all of my symptoms from this year came back: lightheadedness, dizziness, panic, and the absent fog. The dickhead doctor was right. It WAS depression and anxiety, but that wasn't the whole story.

I hated the idea of going back on anti-depressants because it felt shameful. I failed myself. Well I realize now I didn't fail at all. I went almost two years without them with relatively "normal" Thighs mania. I lost my shit this year and now I'm finally well enough to see how it's affecting the rest of my life. A few of my relationships are rocky, my work performance is subpar, and Delilah is a disaster. I've already admitted to being in the midst of an identity crisis, I've lost interest in most everything I supposedly love, and I'm struggling to stay afloat. These are some pretty good reasons to go back on them. Now that I've made the decision, I am relieved from the stress and anxiety about MAKING the decision. I'm nervous of course, but right now I need to do everything I can to stay physically healthy and mentally/emotionally strong.

2011 is halfway over. I still have time to turn this year around. Who knows? Maybe it will end up being one of the best I've ever had.

White Wine

Sheesh!!

Holy crap, Monica. You were totally right! (Hugs!)

He read it.

He responded saying he completely understands I need some time to think about things and he hopes I have a great week.

He's a good guy.

I just hope he's taking some time to think about (and act on) things, too.

A break.

Things with MDLL and I have been going really well lately. He makes me so happy that I want to puke. Happy puke!

Unfortunately a few days ago he gave me an update on the new information. It was not what I wanted to hear. We talked about it for a while, but I couldn't seem to verbalize what I was feeling. Me! Words! None! Who am I??

We still had a fantastic weekend together, despite the newER information. It wasn't until I saw my parents on Sunday when something shifted.

My mom is a rage charmer. As soon as the anger-filled curse words fly out of her mouth, my rage wakes from its slumber and dances its way up through my soul. A headbanging hardcore dance. It is a horrible feeling, one that I only recently realized is not in my natural disposition. She taught me how to react this way to stress, anxiety, and fear. It is not who I am deep down.

I brought up MDLL a few times and she didn't say a word. As bad as her mouth gets, it's way worse when she's silent. I let her rip. My dad did, too.

It was upsetting, but I'm glad we talked about it. I cried of course, because that's what my rage snake does these days. I prefer tears over unmanageable anger.

After hours of stressing, I decided MDLL and I need a break this week. No texts, calls, hanging out, nothing. I wrote him an email telling him this yesterday, which I reread 17 times before finally deleting it this morning. I was driving myself crazy.

It was shitty of me to write him, but I couldn't bear talking to him about it. I didn't want to fall over my own words again. He rarely checks his email (Hotmail, hello 1998!*), so I'm not sure he even read it. I haven't heard from him since Sunday night, so he probably did. BLERG.

Negative feelings:
I'm disappointed with him for not being more open. I'm angry because I feel like I'm being punished. I'm sad because I'll ridiculously miss him this week. I'm worried this might be the beginning of the end for us. I'm scared to see what he chooses to do next. Either he'll fight for me or he won't.

Positive feelings:
I am very proud of how I've handled my emotions lately. I feel stronger than I have in a long time. Boys tend to make me fucking batty and it's been months since I went mental over him. I could have lost my shit three weeks ago and I didn't. Yay!

My only concern is how I handle myself this week without him. My track record shows that I do not manage these breaks very well. I must stay positive and healthy. I am going to treat myself to something nice every day this week. Tonight is therapy (I need it!), then I'm thinking a haircut, a pedicure, and some shopping. I really want to get new shoes and clothes. Oh right...gotta play the lottery, too.

Also, I'm trying to keep things in perspective. It's been hard this year with being sick and all, but I'm getting there. In sort of related news, I started following First World Pains on Twitter. It is all about yuppie asshole "problems", ie Starbucks fucked up your coffee order or your thumbs hurt from texting. It's hilarious how ridiculous I/we/they all sound compared to what the rest of the world is going through. It might help me in my own life:

"I hate that I have to buy all new pants because I lost so much weight!" #Iwantyourproblems

"My boss never talks to me." #Iwantyourjob

"I'm in love with my boyfriend, but I don't know if he loves me." #getahobby

"I've spent over $1,000 this year on doctors, procedures, therapy, vitamins, and medication." #atleastyoucanaffordit

"I'm bored and not reaching my true potential." #yourlifeissogoodthatyouthinkyouneedtogetmoreoutofit

Perspective!



*Rolo, you're allowed to have Hotmail still. Miss you!

Shannons

I'm taking a mental health break for a moment. I shouldn't be typing considering how bad my carpal tunnel is today, but I need an outlet before I burst into tears.

I'm okay. I went to Primary (doctor) this morning. She is great. Her diagnosis is musculoskeletal inflammation and agrees with Neuro that I should see a Rheuma. Remember the days when nicknames were for random boys I was dating? Yeah, me neither.

So why do I want to cry?

One of the questions I repeatedly ask myself is "Why now?". Why would my health (both mental and physical) deteriorate at this point in my life? I've always been one to get rundown and have the occasional bout of depression or panic attack, but it's never been like this before.

It's because of Boob Saga. I am still not healed from the experience.

After I shared my story on Thighs I felt so much better. I felt at peace. It was the stress the months after that made it hard to let go - the pain, sleeping sitting up, fights with insurance and doctors' offices, feeling guilty and ashamed having to borrow money from my parents, etc. It wouldn't fucking end, then January came and the shit hit the fan.

Physical issues aside, I am having a massive identity crisis this year. I can't drink, so there goes Beer Lover Shannon. I need to rest and take it easy, so there goes Go Out at Night Shannon. I have to follow a strict diet, so there goes Fun Easy Food Shannon. I am now a consultant, so there goes Spontaneous Plans Shannon. I'm physically weak, so there goes Walking Around the City Taking Pictures Shannon. I am no longer a lot of Shannons: Floosie, Commitment-phobe, Supply Chain, Comic book reading, Journaling, Dancing, the list goes on. While I'm better off not being some of these selves anymore, no longer identifying myself as any of them is making me unsure of who I am at the moment.

There was another Me I was unaware of hiding deep down: Lopsided-Breasts Uni-Implant Frankenboob Shannon. I had no idea she existed until last summer. Before I could even get to know her she was gone and I became Natural Pretty Even Boobs Shannon. This is NOT a complaint. I'm glad it happened and am proud to be "normal". I'm just realizing now that I didn't spend enough time understanding who the old Me was or reflecting on her passing. I was that Shannon for 20 years, so while I might not miss her, there is a history.

I believe not addressing this loss of self lead to my extreme emotional stress. I wasn't equipped to handle it on my own, so the stress had no choice but to manifest itself physically in order to get my attention. I now know I need to focus on healing myself as a whole to get through this.

The gameplan is to make peace with all of my former selves, so that I can figure out who I am now. It's funny, I actually feel like a blank slate. I've never been this consciously aware of being at a pivotal and transformational point in my life.

Unfortunately there's this nagging fear I will feel 100% tomorrow, yet go back to the Self-Destructive Shannon I used to be. I have to trust I won't.

I trust that I will get better, I will do better, and I will be better.

I trust that I will allow myself to become the Shannon I was always meant to be.

Ahhh, Monday.

I'm trying to focus, but all I want to do is goof off and email friends.

Last week was up and down health-wise. I had a ridiculous allergy cough for a few days, which I totally didn't mind since everyone is getting hit with bad allergies this year. It felt nice to have share an ailment with others for once! It was NOT nice to have aches, spasms, and pain again though.

It started with my foot on Tuesday. By Friday, my foot spasmed (the bone pops right out, then goes back), there was tearing pain in my calf, my carpal tunnel was the worst it has ever been, and my glands were swollen. Basically my whole right side of my body was inflamed for some reason. I've been living on Advil since.

I went to the neurologist that night since she's the one who found I have dead tibial motor nerve in both legs. She ran the test again (shocks shocks shocks) and it turns out my left is much better, but my right is still busted. She doesn't think the spasms are related to this though, so she said I should see a rheumatologist next. She also said I still have mono and I should be taking medication for it.

By the time I was done at the doctor's I was EXHAUSTED. It was a combination of physical and mental stress. It was fucking upsetting as hell to feel like shit again. I tried (am trying) to be positive and see this as a fluke and not a sign I am getting sicker, but it's hard. It's also hard to know which doctor to listen to at this point. I called my new primary for advice. She wants me to come in Wednesday. Come on answers and cure!!!

Thankfully I had a really great weekend, despite the pain. Saturday I went to Bucket's house for a BBQ and yesterday I saw X-Men: First Class with Juniper. The rest of the time I was with MDLL. Our favorite thing to do is eat tacos and watch action/lame movies from our youth. This weekend was Die Hard, Police Academy 5, and Tango and Cash. It's like a dream come true!!

I'm sure there will be some work down the road because of the "new information", but I'm okay with this. I love him, I love being with him, and I am happy he finally opened up to me. I am really, REALLY excited to see how things work out for us.

YAAAYYYY!!