Wednesday, June 8


I'm taking a mental health break for a moment. I shouldn't be typing considering how bad my carpal tunnel is today, but I need an outlet before I burst into tears.

I'm okay. I went to Primary (doctor) this morning. She is great. Her diagnosis is musculoskeletal inflammation and agrees with Neuro that I should see a Rheuma. Remember the days when nicknames were for random boys I was dating? Yeah, me neither.

So why do I want to cry?

One of the questions I repeatedly ask myself is "Why now?". Why would my health (both mental and physical) deteriorate at this point in my life? I've always been one to get rundown and have the occasional bout of depression or panic attack, but it's never been like this before.

It's because of Boob Saga. I am still not healed from the experience.

After I shared my story on Thighs I felt so much better. I felt at peace. It was the stress the months after that made it hard to let go - the pain, sleeping sitting up, fights with insurance and doctors' offices, feeling guilty and ashamed having to borrow money from my parents, etc. It wouldn't fucking end, then January came and the shit hit the fan.

Physical issues aside, I am having a massive identity crisis this year. I can't drink, so there goes Beer Lover Shannon. I need to rest and take it easy, so there goes Go Out at Night Shannon. I have to follow a strict diet, so there goes Fun Easy Food Shannon. I am now a consultant, so there goes Spontaneous Plans Shannon. I'm physically weak, so there goes Walking Around the City Taking Pictures Shannon. I am no longer a lot of Shannons: Floosie, Commitment-phobe, Supply Chain, Comic book reading, Journaling, Dancing, the list goes on. While I'm better off not being some of these selves anymore, no longer identifying myself as any of them is making me unsure of who I am at the moment.

There was another Me I was unaware of hiding deep down: Lopsided-Breasts Uni-Implant Frankenboob Shannon. I had no idea she existed until last summer. Before I could even get to know her she was gone and I became Natural Pretty Even Boobs Shannon. This is NOT a complaint. I'm glad it happened and am proud to be "normal". I'm just realizing now that I didn't spend enough time understanding who the old Me was or reflecting on her passing. I was that Shannon for 20 years, so while I might not miss her, there is a history.

I believe not addressing this loss of self lead to my extreme emotional stress. I wasn't equipped to handle it on my own, so the stress had no choice but to manifest itself physically in order to get my attention. I now know I need to focus on healing myself as a whole to get through this.

The gameplan is to make peace with all of my former selves, so that I can figure out who I am now. It's funny, I actually feel like a blank slate. I've never been this consciously aware of being at a pivotal and transformational point in my life.

Unfortunately there's this nagging fear I will feel 100% tomorrow, yet go back to the Self-Destructive Shannon I used to be. I have to trust I won't.

I trust that I will get better, I will do better, and I will be better.

I trust that I will allow myself to become the Shannon I was always meant to be.

1 comment:

Alix said...

I know one that has not changed - you are still My Friend Shannon.