Relieved

Soooo...this week was not good. Not good at all.

Today is the first day I am focused, strong, hopeful, and now relieved.

Why relieved? Primary and I decided it's time to go back on Auntie D. I was strongly opposed to the idea up until yesterday. Enough is enough. I was NOT functional this week. Sure I made it to work, but I couldn't be bothered to do a damn thing. I cry at the drop of a hat, I fuck around online (ahem), and all of my symptoms from this year came back: lightheadedness, dizziness, panic, and the absent fog. The dickhead doctor was right. It WAS depression and anxiety, but that wasn't the whole story.

I hated the idea of going back on anti-depressants because it felt shameful. I failed myself. Well I realize now I didn't fail at all. I went almost two years without them with relatively "normal" Thighs mania. I lost my shit this year and now I'm finally well enough to see how it's affecting the rest of my life. A few of my relationships are rocky, my work performance is subpar, and Delilah is a disaster. I've already admitted to being in the midst of an identity crisis, I've lost interest in most everything I supposedly love, and I'm struggling to stay afloat. These are some pretty good reasons to go back on them. Now that I've made the decision, I am relieved from the stress and anxiety about MAKING the decision. I'm nervous of course, but right now I need to do everything I can to stay physically healthy and mentally/emotionally strong.

2011 is halfway over. I still have time to turn this year around. Who knows? Maybe it will end up being one of the best I've ever had.