I feel so guilty.
This past week was fabulous. This whole year has been, even with the occasional gluten flare ups!
Saturday night was Rockstar's NYC birthday party. It was SO FUN, I can't wait to see the pictures. I BAKED A CAKE! Me, baked! I tried to decorate it with a big Kermit, fucked it up, and ended with this instead...I had icing all over me by the time it was done. Please remind me to wait at least five hours for the cake to cool. Thankfully everyone enjoyed it!
MDLL and I have spent six out of the last seven days together. Valentine's Day was perfection. He cooked an amazing seafood dinner, I felt really pretty all dressed up (finally!), and we had a romantic candle lit lovefest. We decided not to do presents, although he did buy me beautiful flowers. That night he mentioned he didn't own two of his favorite Simpsons episodes, so I immediately bought them. Thursday night I surprised him with the DVDs and ate dinner with him before he headed to the bar. Friday night was our second Valentine's Day celebration at Bukkake. It was a delicious dinner. The grilled octopus is mind-blowing. We hung out for a bit afterwards (read: hooked up), then I went to bed and he went out with his friends again.
MDLL is a late night partier. I have no objections to this because if I still had the college-like stamina that he does, I'd be out late too. I like our arrangement because we both get what we want, a good night's sleep and a fun night out. I only have one rule when it comes to his partying: he can never, ever, EVER fucking show up to my friend's or family's party drunk or hungover from the night before. He did this once and he knows I will beat the shit out of him if he ever does it again. Ever since he's been on his best behavior. We had a blast at Rockstar's party Saturday night, then went to Crazy Ass for a nightcap. Sunday we laid around, watched TV, and ate awesome food again. I made breakfast nachos: eggs, bacon, guacamole, salsa, cheese, and corn chips. AMAZEBALLS. Later we went for Thai food, which I cannot get enough of now that I know I can eat it. (Pad Thai is rice noodles. Hooray!) Yesterday he was going to go home and relax, while I was going to paint my bedroom. Rolo and her boyfriend are staying at my place this weekend (YAY!), so I used their visit as motivation to finally fix up Delilah. MDLL was nice enough to stay and help me paint, then I took him out to dinner as a thank you.
MDLL came over around 6pm on Saturday before the party. He left at 10pm last night. That was 52 hours of us in a row. I'm not sure if it was the longest stretch we've ever spent together, but - and I hate to admit it - around the 43rd hour mark I sort of wanted to be alone.
A little while later MDLL came in and said something like, "...well I'm getting sick of you so I'm going to leave." I blurted out, "Oh good! I'm getting sick of you too!" happily thinking this was a shared feeling. He looked so sad and said he was only kidding. I tried to cover it up, but it was pretty obvious I was telling the truth. I felt AWFUL, especially since the poor guy was in the middle of helping me paint. I started crying and apologizing. He said he didn't want to overstay his welcome, got ready to leave, but I made him stay. I don't want us to ever leave mad at each other, so I made him watch TV while I finished up the second coat.
We talked about it and I explained that I had an awesome weekend and I'm TOTALLY not sick of him, that I was just looking forward to my alone time. He said he wasn't really upset; he understood because he likes his alone time, too. We talked it out and ended up having a nice night despite me putting my foot in my mouth.
I'm still upset with myself, though. I feel incredibly guilty. After thinking it over, I know why...I don't want to hurt him like my mom hurt me.
Yes, I know this is a stretch considering what I said to him wasn't all that bad, but the amount of guilt I feel leads me to believe this has to do with something deeper than me running my mouth.
I was a commitment-phobe for a long time for a lot of reasons, mainly because I was afraid of hurting the person I love. With everything MDLL and I have been through, I can honestly say I've always approached our tough discussions with an open mind, open heart, and class. We could have had numerous blow outs over his divorce, but I knew it wouldn't have helped the situation. I grew up in a household filled with fighting and negativity and I refuse to create the same experience for my home.
While I do believe it's completely normal for couples to argue, I have worked very hard to learn how to keep my rage-snake in check and communicate in an effective way. I only found out recently that MDLL's wife was a lot like my mother, so the fact that he and I can have open and honest discussions without screaming at each other has really helped the both of us get over some issues.
I guess this is why it hurts so much that I hurt him yesterday. I'm trying not to beat myself up over it and simply learn from the experience. I feel like a broken record when I say this, but I do have to cut myself some slack since this is my first serious relationship. I'm learning it's possible to be mad, disappointed, and/or annoyed with the person I love. I'm also learning what it feels like to accidentally make the person I love mad, disappointed, and/or annoyed with me. It sure is shitty! Blerg.
Tuesday, February 21
I feel so guilty.