Oscar Fight

I don't know the last time I watched an awards show. The whole thing makes me uncomfortable. Since I rarely see Oscar nominated movies, I end up judging people based on their outfit and/or acceptance speech. Farts.

Tonight I did something much more constructive with my time...I picked a fight with MDLL and my parents.

It started with me laying on the couch pretending to be interviewed by someone who wanted to know my opinion about relationships, politics, everything you can imagine. "Me, run for office? No way, the rest of America scares the shit out of me. Plus the media would have a field day with my past." "HOW CAN A WOMAN BE ANTI-CHOICE!?!? I don't understand!!"

As my Irish started to get up, I noticed a check-in at an ex-friend's house on Foursquare. I debated checking in there because I knew it would piss the cunt off. After some maniacal laughing, I decided against it because I'm not a fourteen year old girl. It was fun to pretend I did it though.

THEN I decided to text MDLL with an ominous "Are you home?" to which he quickly responded "On my way, why?". I stopped myself, realizing my Irish was WAY too up to have a normal discussion with him so I wrote "Nevermind, I was going to pick a fight with you, but I'm going to do push ups instead."

He called, I told him I was all riled up, and we had it out. We didn't fight per se, but we are taking a break. Again.

His divorce has not been processed yet. My parents and brother don't want to see him or hear about him until it's done. Some of my friends don't want to either.

I know everyone is worried about me. I know it comes from a good place. BUT FUCKING HELL, THIS SUCKS MY BALLS.

I am so mad at him for dragging this out again. I'm mad at everyone else for being judgmental. It might be black and white for you, but it's not for me. Should I have stopped our relationship before it went gray?? Impossible. You know why? BECAUSE I LIVE IN THE FUCKING GRAY.

I used to worry I was like a Jerry Springer contestant. "He fucked my sister and my dog, but I still want to marry him." You know what? Go Jerry! Go Jerry!

I am in love with MDLL. He may still be legally married, but I love the fucking moron. He is good to me, he loves me, and he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. He's told me why he's put off processing the divorce and because of this I put my closest relationships on ice just to give him the space he needs. Why? Because I didn't want to give up on him no matter what the cost. I don't know if that's what love is, if that's what being in love means, but that's what I did because it felt like the right thing to do.

But now I finally hit my bullshit limit. I AM SO FUCKING SICK OF HAVING THIS CONVERSATION WITH HIM. I'm sick of my parents and brother saying shit like "You're dating a MARRIED man." and making me feel like a homewrecker. I'm sick of people acting like I'm a doormat or that I'm only staying with him because I don't want to be single again. NO. FUCKING. WAY. I've been single my whole life, I know how to be single. I just don't ever want to be single again now that I found my Taco Lobster.

Being without MDLL is torture. Absolute torture. He is my best friend, my fuck buddy, my heart, my soulmate. I miss him so much when we're apart that it makes me sick. Our relationship is PERFECT except for this. EXCEPT FOR HE'S NOT DIVORCED YET.

I am fine with him being lazy. I really am, at least when it comes to things I can do without him. I can't sign your papers for you, fucktard. JUST DO IT ALREADY.

I told him earlier this month this is it. I can't do this anymore. I can't be in the middle of him and the people close to me. I told him if he doesn't get his divorced processed by March 1st I am taking it as HE dumped ME. I picked this month because my parents always come up here for my birthday and they specifically called a few weeks ago to say they don't want to see MDLL when they visit. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? I hate all of you!

So there you have it. I blasted MDLL, I blasted my parents, and I'm kind of blasting you.

FOR THE RECORD...I will say this: I DO NOT REGRET MY DECISION TO STAY WITH HIM THIS WHOLE TIME. The past four months solidified the fact that I want to spend the rest of my life with MDLL. I know that sounds weird after this post, but it's not. I love him for better and for worst, just like I love everyone else in my life that way.

I don't know how the collective we will bounce back from this. How if MDLL and I do get married one day, I will be able to share the moment with the people who gave me shit, but I will try. First things first though...PROCESS YOUR FUCKING DIVORCE.

GAH! I HATE EVERYONE. I should have watched the fucking Oscars.