Wednesday, February 29

Just breathe.

The anger is starting to wear off, which means I can feel the sadness now. I allow myself a couple of good cries in the bathroom, wash my face, and let it go until I get home. I've stayed busy this week, so that helps. Monday I got highlights and a haircut. Yesterday my boss took a few of us out to dinner. I assumed Uncle Jack's Steakhouse was a shitty chain because of the name (maybe I was thinking about Jack's 99 cent stores?), so I was pleasantly surprised with the wonderful atmosphere and food. The lamb chops were excellent. Tonight Juniper and I are going to see Chronicle and Friday is my birthday drinks at Flannery's again. YAY BIRTHDAY!

I'm not sure what I'll do tomorrow. Maybe I'll go shopping for a new shirt to wear on Friday. Oooo...I have a Groupon for an hour-long Swedish massage. Maybe I'll do that, too!

All I keep wondering about is the future. How will MDLL and I move forward after this? Will his lackadaisical attitude toward life always be an issue? What will our next break up be over? A delay in us moving in together? Getting engaged? If we do get back together, will my family and friends drop it or will they always have their doubts? Will there be a smugness/told-you-so vibe if things don't work out with him? Will this further damage our relationships? How can I share my life with MDLL with people who don't believe in us? How can I share my life with MDLL if he's debilitated by overthinking things? What happens if he's not my Taco Lobster? What happens if I'm his post-divorce rebound, he's my first adult love, and we're not meant to be? If MDLL is not the guy for me, will I be as willing to let these people into my next relationship?

Obviously I have to chill out. I don't know what the future holds, so I'm forcing myself to take it one day at a time. The problem is every day that goes by and I haven't heard from him, I know he hasn't filed yet. This hurts. I know he can't make his lawyer friend respond, but I can't help feel like if the tables were turned I'd be sleeping at the courthouse until I got in touch with him. I don't remember the last time MDLL and I went 48+ hours of radio silence. It was probably the last time we broke up, right before Halloween. For the past four months we've spoken to each other everyday. And my parents worry he's not available...

I accept the fact that I put myself in this position. No one did this TO me, I made my bed so I'm lying in it. What I don't accept is the way I've been treated. I'm not one to toot my own horn, but I will say this: I am open-minded, honest, kind, NICE, and non-judgmental to almost every person I meet. I'm not perfect, I've been through a ton of shit, so I'm the last person to sit there telling others how to live their lives. I may not agree with racists, litterers, fanatics, or the red states, but I consciously make the effort to remind myself everyone is entitled to their opinion and live with free will. My friend posted this saying from the Dalai Lama: "Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them." I could sit there and bash people all I want (and I've wanted!), but I remind myself it has no benefit. The more hate and negativity I spew, the more I become filled with both.

On that note, while I am allowing myself to be angry and upset, I make sure I reflect on the good in these relationships as well. No matter what happens with MDLL, I do not regret our time together. I've loved every minute with him. Sadly, the one thing I do regret is telling everyone he's separated. My advice: think about what you tell people. As honest as I like to be, sometimes the truth is an unnecessary burden.

1 comment:

S E said...

Your part about the future is so goddamn me. But I'm not as tough as you. You, at least, put yourself into situations where the outcome may be scary. I don't do that. The what-if's seize me and take over and I just sit there doing nothing, nada, zilch, because in my flipped-out self-paranoia I convince myself that doing nothing is better than doing the wrong thing. You're on the right track, sister. And pretty damn inspiring, too. Yay birthday!