Vodka soda splash of cran, hold the vodka.

I don't know the last time I had a drink. I mean, the first last time. The last time I had a drink was Monday at a dinner with my friends who were in town for comic-con and won't be back for the wedding.

I slowed the drinking down a bit in 2014, the year of mental illness hell. In 2015 I believe I had five drinks - two glasses of wine on Christmas, three on New Year's Eve.  This year I've drank more - a glass of wine on Valentine's Day, a couple of glasses of sangria on my birthday, a glass of sangria in California, two glasses of sangria on the day we got engaged, a couple of glasses of wine...obviously there's a pattern. For some reason I believe drinking sangria and wine are okay. They're fruit, right?  I'd say maybe once every couple of months I have a glass, although I have been drinking a bit more the past few weeks to take the edge off.

You know what else takes the edge off? Weed. It's great. I don't smoke often, but I am stoned now and feel mighty fiiiiiine...

My favorite alcoholic drink pre-wino '16 was vodka and soda with a splash of cranberry. Now all I drink is water, coffee, and seltzer with cran.

For the past hour I've tried to get myself off the couch to go get seltzer.  Braless and pajamaed, the odds were pretty low I'd go anywhere. I texted MD to see if he'd leave the bar and bring me some:

          ME: Can you bring me seltzer? I don't want to get up.

         [one minute passes]

          ME: Don't ignore me.

          MD: Haha! No!

          ME: Now I gotta put a bra and pants on. Thanks Obama!

          [one minute passes]

          ME: I'll give you a hundred dollars.

          MD: NO.

          [two minutes pass]

          ME: Can you bring me seltzer?

I FINALLY put on some jeans (no bra) and went to the store. I bought two 20 oz plastic bottles.

I kid you not, it took me 7 minutes to open one of those suckers. I twisted and twisted until my hand stung. I was going to use my teeth and thought, "I'm getting married, I don't want to crack any!" Then I used a knife and thought, "I'm getting married, I can't cut myself!" Then I tried tongs, but there was no grip. I twisted again and still couldn't open either of them.

So then I used my teeth...






and I'm fine. Nothing happened. Cap came right off.

My drink has sat on the table for the 20 or so minutes I've been writing. I forgot all about it.

Weed.