Tuesday, July 17


I did something stupid. It's so stupid that I'm not even going to tell you what it was.

Trust me, it was stupid. What I need to discuss is this:

If I knew this thing was stupid and I would regret doing it, why the fuck did I do it??

This question has then spawned the following questions:

Am I a glutton for punishment?

Do I really need the distraction?

Don't I have enough to be thinking about with work and California?

Am I in such a good place right now that I had to make myself feel bad for no reason?

Am I in such a bad place right now that I had to make myself feel more bad?

Did I really think that my heart was lying to me when I said "Don't do it!"?

Did I really think that this stupid thing would be something I could ignore?

Did I really think I could shake it off?

Do I EVER shake anything off?

Isn't it safe to say that I obsess about everything, wait, let me clarify, obsess about negative things until I am sick to my stomach?

Won't I ever just listen to myself?

You are totally dying to know what I did right?

Why are my emotions so fucking strong all the time, yet I can never say to myself, "Shann, you've been here before and if you read your diary/blog you know you've made it through it once and can most definitely make it through again."?

Why can't I see things for how they really are?

Wait, AM I seeing things for how they really are?

Why is there a bra hanging on every door knob in my apartment?

Why haven't I ever noticed there are 8 door knobs in my apartment? (Actually 11, my closet doors are closed. 12, if you count my front door.)

Why do I have to find stupid negative ways to test myself?

I mean seriously, it's like I dared myself to do this stupid thing. Am I really that bor-ed/ing?

Is that my problem? That instead of testing myself for things that matter to me I push myself to do things that I know will be negative thus confirming my fear of failing or enabling my fear of success?

Or is it simply, maybe I was wrong?

What if?

Am I holding on to false hopes because I refuse to believe I can hope for something false?

If I believe something to be true, how can't it be true?

If something is true for me, but not for you, does that make it true?

Is it like someone seeing the glass half full while I see it as "half empty and I forgot to buy more milk and now can't have cereal in the morning because I ain't putting water in the bowl again and will have to buy breakfast out when I really wanted to stop spending money on food during the week so that I can spend it on beer over the weekend instead."

If you don't think I can keep going, then you don't know me very well.

I'm stopping now because I realized that the above questions are all linked to one question I still haven't answered yet:

Will I ever trust me??

1 comment:

Little Jen said...

Soooo...what'd ya do?

;-) :D