Tales from the ER

Before I start, I am okay.

Remember when I wrote how my gyno was a little rough and hurt my ovary? That was the beginning of May and since then I've been in pain every couple of weeks.

On Friday I woke up with awful back pain right near my tailbone. I thought it was probably from dancing to "High School Musical" or pretending to ride a motorcycle in front of my fan (lots of side to side vrooming). I powered through Friday to see "Live Free or Die Hard" (SEE IT!), check out DaQ's new bar, and hang with the Molly's crew.

My back didn't hurt too much on Saturday, but really, who feels anything at the beer garden besides drunk and horny? Sunday was obviously Day o' Gas for me, but I felt better after the dumps. Yesterday was another story.

I woke up with my lower right fupa hurting pretty bad. It was the same sensation as when my gyno poked me, but much worse. I made it through work by walking with a mean pimp limp and occasionally complaining to Furbie. It wasn't until I left the office that it was becoming unbearable; every step made a shooting pain go through the right side of my body and up my spine. Totally sucked.

By the time I made it home I gave up and called my mom. I told her what was happening and wasn't sure what to do. I mean, I knew something was wrong but I think I needed someone to tell me to go to the hospital. She said to call my doctor and see what he thought. He figured it was most likely a cyst, but since the pain was near my appendix told me to go to the emergency room.

I was so upset in the ER. I was crying, some drunk fuck was screaming, people moaning...I don't know how the staff managed to be so nice. I'm sorry but I'll take publishing over that shite any day.

The ER doctor agreed with my regular one, said it was either a cyst or appendicitis. They took blood and urine, did a pelvic exam, ultrasound and ct scan. After 7 hours of tests I have a new friend...Cicely Cyst.

Cicely is a fucking annoying, throbbing 2 centimeter cyst on my right ovary. Since she's so small, the doctors aren't certain Ciss is the real cause of my pain, so there's nothing to do except wait to see if the bitch gets any bigger. It's very common for women to get cysts when they are ovulating so for the next couple of months I need to track my cycle and the pain, if any.

Appendicitis wasn't completely ruled out either though, nor (get this) really, really, REALLY bad gas. You have GOT to be fucking kidding me. Wouldn't it be something if my backwards fart broke something??? Shit fool.

Today I feel okay, don't have to walk like a cross between Snoop and Frankenstein anymore. Ciss (or whatever's doing it) is hurting, but I'm dealing.

A couple parting thoughts:

1. I feel stupid. I'm not sure why, it's not like I caused any of this (except if it's gas). Maybe stupid isn't the word I'm looking for...ignorant? humbled? It's scary to have no fucking clue what's wrong. I'm used to feeling that way mentally and emotionally; maybe I've taken my good physical health for granted too long.

2. I felt so incredibly alone in the ER. I wasn't crying from the pain so much as I was crying from not having anyone with me. And by "anyone" I don't mean my family or friends, I mean a husband.

I had to yell at my mom to NOT come up here last night. I just didn't want to deal with my parents, you know? I even threatened her by saying that if she comes up here I will never, ever tell her when I'm sick again. I'm such a jerk.

And I know that any of my friends would be there at a moment's notice, I just didn't want to bother them. I TOTALLY know it wouldn't be a bother for you, but still, I think it would have bothered me that I could possibly be bothering you...and then I would stress out and feel bad. Must work on that.

So while I had at least 10 people who would have came to be by my side, I chose to be upset that I was single. SINGLE! I started thinking about how if I was married my husband would be there and since he was my husband I wouldn't feel bad about him being there.

Maybe it's the vows? Friends and family never stand before God or Elvis and say they will love each other forever no matter what. Is the idea that friends and family don't need to reassure us they will be there? If so, why would the love of your life have to?

Fuck it. Here's a good way to end a long ass post and even longer fucking day:

"I, Shannon, take you, Everyone Who Reads Thighsighs (and my parents), for my lawful friends and family, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part."

PS Yes, my name is Shannon.
PPS FUPA stands for "fat upper pussy area". Thank MJ for that one!