Thursday, August 16

Breakthrough No. 8: I'M CONTROLLING!

I get it now...I'M CONTROLLING!!!

I seriously can't stop shouting it. It feels so good to finally realize this. Yeah, yeah I'm sure most of you already knew this about me. Hell you've probably even told me I'm a control freak (Bridget), but at the time I just didn't get it. I do now.

This was a completely uncomfortable week for me. I felt embarrassed, guilty, and nervous about my behavior at work. My chest and heart were heavy, my stomach in knots. I got really depressed the other night and it TOTALLY sucked. Of course now I know it was well worth it considering how great i feel today. Here's the breakdown of my Breakthrough No. 8.

Admitting that I have been disrespectful and insubordinate (Thank you Anonymous, you rattled me once again. Dick.) was the first step. Outbursts and arguments I had over the past couple years came flooding back to me and it wasn't easy seeing them with new eyes. I had to ask myself:

Why do I get so angry?

This happened a lot with one VP. You tell him something eight times and a month later he accuses you of not telling him. I'd get so angry and fight him on it because I didn't want Red to think I wasn't doing my job. In other words, my fear of disappointing my boss made it personal for me, which then got me on the defensive.

Why do I get so defensive?

When I'm defensive I feel like I'm under attack. Being under attack makes me feel like I'm NOT IN CONTROL.

Why do I need to be in control?

Psych 101, because my mom was completely out of control. Growing up I never knew what was going to happen when she got home from work. Would she come in screaming? Would she lock herself in her bedroom and not talk? Would she sit on the couch and not move? Would she actually be happy for once??

My safe place was our basement. I'd put my headphones on and dance for hours. I would daydream about hitting the game winning homerun, having the guy I like ask me out, or going back to school after summer vacation skinnier, prettier and more popular. My imaginary world was so vivid and fulfilling. I loved every minute of it. Oh man, I almost forgot that when someone came down in the basement while I was there, I threw a shitfit. I hated being brought back to reality before I was ready. It was the worst feeling ever.

I realize now that not only did my imaginary world protect me, it also gave me the sense of control I so desperately wanted. Down there I could be who I wanted, when I wanted, where I wanted, surrounded by the people I wanted. It was perfect, but again, imaginary.

I connected the dots to all of this during Therapy Thursday. Cee said I should be proud that I allowed myself to come to these realizations. You know what? I AM proud.

When I finally said, "I really am controlling, aren't I?" it was like lightning struck. Every cell in my body knew it to be true, the heaviness left my core, and just like that, it all made sense.

I really meant it the other day when I wrote I didn't want to grow and become a better person. It's fucking hard as hell and extremely painful. To be honest though, I kind of love this shit and well now I know...


1 comment:

Little Jen said...

Yeah, I think I'm a bit of a control freak too...hence the daily screaming match... ;-)