Padiddle!

In high school my friends and I used to play padiddle. A "padiddle" is a car with one headlight out. If you're driving around with your pals and see one you simply scream out "PADIDDLE!" and hit the roof of the car with your hand. That's it.

For us it was just fun to scream really loud, but apparently some peeps would take the game a little farther by making the person who did not see the padiddle take off one article of clothing. Sluts!

Speaking of sluts (or at least recovering ones), yesterday I went shopping with Spags. As I was leaving my apartment I noticed that my right nipple was hard, my left one soft.

I thought okay, maybe it will go down if I warm up a bit so I rubbed it while walking to the subway. No such luck, instead it just got harder. (I'm sure some of the old Greek men sitting on their stoops did too as I walked by, fa!)

Then I thought okay, maybe my left one needs some lovin' to even things out. I began rubbing lefty as well. No luck there either, is it possible to have whiskey nips?

By then I gave up, figuring the right one would eventually cool it's loins, hopefully before I poke someone's eye out. Yeah, no. It stayed like that all day.

I, my friends, was a walking padiddle. See?



Best thing about gaining 20 pounds this year (yes twenty, more on that when I finally stop eating and/or crying)...my breasts are HUGE!!

Book of Job

I went downstairs to chat with Bucket this morning. I didn't want to bring up the hot dodgeball guy, Job (his alias) but Bucket knows me too well...

and told me that JOB'S SINGLE!!!! WOO HOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

Happy 33rd!!!

Happy 33rd Birthday to Mr. Megkefel. Can't wait to see you and my ladies later!

Happy 33rd Anniversary to my mom and dad. Not like they read this or anything. Please God.

Doges of Dodging!

Tonight I played dodgeball for the first time in oh, I don't know, 20 years maybe?? Still fucking rocks!

Me and a few Company peeps joined an intramural league. We play once a week for the next six weeks. It is so totally fun. I wish we could play every day.

Our team name is Doges* of Dodging. Leave it to Bucket to pick a name I don't understand. Damn editors. The movie Dodgeball was on FX the other day. I actually took mental notes for rules and strategy. It didn't pay off though, since all my balls kept getting caught. Fa!

Despite Manic Monday, this was a pretty good week. I got really anxious today though and I'm sad to admit that I was nervous about the game!! Yes. Me. Nervous over fucking dodgeball. I'm really glad I powered through the stupid nerves because I had an absolute blast. I can't wait to play again!

Besides being the funnest thing ever, there is a totally hot guy on the team. He's Bucket's friend, I think I met him once about a year ago. He had a girlfriend back then and I'm pretty sure they lived together. Oh well, he's still delightful to look at.

Donovan's on the team too, which is really nice. I hope that he and I can finally become friends. I still want to ram my tongue down his throat, but other than that I'm over him. Or not. No, I am. I'm over him, I just ya know, I'd sit on his face if he asked me to.

I'm shaking my head and rolling my eyes at myself...

*doge (dōj) n. The elected chief magistrate of the former republics of Venice and Genoa**.


**Genoa's a salami, right??

Let it ride.

I'm coming out of a panic attack. My mind is empty, my chest hurts, my arms and hands look separate from my body. I'm watching my fingers type, but I'm not quite sure who's controlling them...

Panic attacks suck. I don't get the "breathe into a paper bag and suffer a heart attack from guilt" kind, I get the hippie "I did too much acid and now either Jesus or Jimi is calling me" kind.

I left work around 6:30pm and walked to 59th and Lex to catch the R train. When I got to Astoria I picked up a couple of things at the grocery store and then ate dinner while watching reruns of ANTM on MTV. Nothing out of the ordinary.

Around 9pm I was feeling weird, so I turned off the television. I started to feel the fog coming over me. In this early stage of an attack I give myself two options, beat it or join it.

I've learned to join it by meditating for however long "it" needs. If I keep myself calm and positive, this can be a very rewarding and cleansing experience.

Tonight was not like that. I actually tried to beat it, which never works out. I jumped off my couch and began pacing around trying to do something normal to keep myself in reality. I closed my bedroom window. I put my dirty clothes in the hamper. I washed dishes. This is when I began to lose it because the only way I could finish them was by doing a play-by-play: "I'm washing a bowl. Now I'm washing a spoon." etc.

In my case, fighting an attack really makes things worse. The anxiety becomes too strong and turns to fear, the fear goes black, and a silent pain takes over.

No matter how used to it I become I always wonder, "Is this the end? Is this the moment I finally lose it and never come back?" All I can do is close my eyes, have a good cry, and wait.

At this point my chest still hurts, but luckily my hands and arms have been reattached. I have some idea what I just wrote...

and it's fucked. I'M fucked, but truthfully I've never been any other way.

I guess I could go back and rewrite this now that I'm back to "normal."

Fuck it. I'm letting it ride.

NFL Week 3 Early Recap

It fucking worked!! The Giants have their first win!! I will never pick them to win again...

Jets and Raiders won today too, so it was a great day for Thighs family football teams. Very happy right now!

I haven't really watched the Cowboys and Bears tonight. I had to watch the Family Guy Star Wars episode instead. Hysterical!! They showed clips at the SDCC and FG Live shows, so I had already seen most of the funny parts. Totally didn't matter though because I still laughed my ass off.

So with two games left I'm 8-6. I think I'm going to quit writing these posts...I'm starting to feel embarrassed.

Is it just me or does Al Michaels sound like Howard Stern's and Casey Kasem's lovechild?

30th Birthday Trip

I've wanted to plan a 30th birthday trip for the past 7 years now. Of course back then no one cared to think about the "dreaded" three-oh, so it wasn't until the past few months that the Petes and I began really discussing ideas.

I wasn't too sure how to go about pleasing at least 10 chicks (bedroom skills aside, fa!) so I laid out a couple of guidelines.

1. Affordable (perhaps even all-inclusive)
2. Convenient travel
3. Something for everyone (ie beaches, spas, clubs)
4. A zipline (This is for me. I've always wanted to do an adventure trip where I can fly through the forest zipping from tree to tree.)

Well I found the perfect spot, Puerto Vallarta. It has everything: all-inclusive packages, a direct flight from NY, and all the relaxing or adventurous activities you could ask for. I was TOTALLY sold, but then too many exciting things happened this summer!!

The engagements, new homes, new jobs, new outlooks, new everything...I must say this has been such an amazing year for all of us. 2008 is shaping up to be even better.

So between all the money, stress, and limited amount of vacation days between us, I have decided to condense the 30th birthday trip into a long weekend somewhere with the hopes that anyone who wants to come can make it. Not sure if tripods are invited. I'll have to consult the ladies as this was going to be a girl only trip. We'll see.

My first thought of course is VEGAS BABY...phone lines and email are now open for ideas!

WHOOOOA THIRTY!!

NFL Week 2 Recap and Week 3 Picks

I wrote up this whole explanation as to why I was a shitty 8-8 last week, but I can't find it anywhere. There were a lot of upsets though so I don't feel too bad, but I've decided I'm not going to pick the Giants all season. Hopefully they'll win some now.

I have nothing witty to say for this week's games. I'm too annoyed with NY NFL teams thus far and to jump to baseball real quick, don't even get me started on the Mets...

Week 3

Sunday, September 23
ARI @ BAL: Ravens
BUF @ NE: Patriots
CAR @ ATL: Panthers
CIN @ SEA: Seahawks
CLE @ OAK: Raiders
DAL @ CHI: Bears
DET @ PHI: Lions
IND @ HOU: Colts
JAC @ DEN: Broncos
MIA @ NYJ: Jets
MIN @ KC: Vikings
NYG @ WAS: Skins
SD @ GB: Chargers
SF @ PIT: Steelers
STL @ TB: Rams

Monday, September 24
TEN @ NO: Saints

Hibernation Season

My mom used to wake me for school by saying, "Thighs, get up. It's **insert weather condition** so you'll need a **specific outerwear or accessory**."

For example:
"... It's 58 degrees out so you'll need a light jacket."
"... It's raining out so you'll need an umbrella."

She did this until I was probably 14. It's funny that I almost forgot. Nowadays I watch NY1 for Weather on the Ones, mainly because I'm a streetwalker (hee hee) and getting caught in a storm sucks. I wonder if I'd still watch it if my mom called me every morning...oh wait, then I'd have to talk to her pre-coffee. Yikes.

My mom is also famous for explaining illness with "It's the change in seasons." The sniffles, a cough, the flu, backaches, any icky feeling was always blamed on the time of year. I could be bleeding from my eyeballs and she'd still say it.

It used to annoy the shit out of me, but then there was a point when I practically convinced myself I'd be sick when the seasons changed. Granted this was back in my cigarette and drug days when I always seemed to have bronchitis, but it really did seem like clockwork. I think Winter into Spring-sick would hit me the hardest. Ugh, I just remembered when I used to try to smoke a Marlboro with a sore throat, swollen glands, and disgustingly furry mucous.

Anyways, this week I'm feeling kind of poopie. Not sure if I'm feeling sick-poopie or just poopie-poopie. One thing's for sure, I will not be telling my mom I don't feel well because I have a sneaky suspicion she's just waiting for it. Take that, Mommy!

So the past couple of days I've been a good girl by laying low to recharge my batteries. I'm feeling really heavy, but not like fat-heavy, more like dense-heavy. Ooo that's it...I'm dense and tired. I could sleep for the next month! I don't have plans this weekend either and I'm pretty psyched about it...

MUST...SLEEEEEEP...

FYI, in the Blogger spellchecker "poopie" isn't a word. Instead they offer "poo pie". HAHA!!

And all that jazz!

My weekend in Chicago with Fish...

Gosh, I really don't know what I want to write and I REALLY don't know when I started using the word "gosh," but I've been saying it a lot lately.

The main reason I went to Chicago was because I was scared shitless to go. With that I realize this trip was not just a test for Fish, but for myself.

Fish met me at the hotel on Friday. As cliche as it sounds, as soon as I saw him it was like no time had passed since San Diego. I instantly got all warm and fuzzy inside. It felt really good.

Saturday we ran around Chicago taking pics and being silly all day. Completely random, that night Family Guy Live! was in town, which was hysterical since the Family Guy panel at the SDCC was technically our first "date." Seth MacFarlane now gets to hump either Fish or me the next time we see him.

Sunday was cool for the most part, except of course that the FUCKING GIANTS SUCK MY ASS. (More on this when I recap my shitty picks from last week.) I was sort of grumpy after the game and Fish wasn't feeling too well either so I guess you could say we were cranky wankers all day. Sadly we were so cranky that um, yeah, by the end of the night we actually had an argument. An argument!!!

I won't go into specifics, but let me tell you it was not the kind of argument two people who barely know each other have. Words like love, selfish, pushy, hard (not penis hard), sad, bad, compromise, etc. were yelled at each other in the middle of the street...gosh, hearing it now I think we sounded like we were friggin' married. Scary.

I just counted, Fish and I have only breathed the same air for approximately 59 hours in a seven week span. That's less than six cycles of America's Next Top Model! Fuck!

So where does that leave "us?" I have no clue. How do I feel? Well I totally passed my test because I realized something very important this weekend...

I'M NOT BROKEN!!

I'm actually able to like someone who's real, not a fantastical version of who I want him to be like Donovan or FB or Ohio John or who the fuck else. I like someone enough to fly across the country to see him! I like someone enough to argue! I like someone so much that I cream my pants when I think about him!! And the greatest realization...I like someone so much that I want to be the best person I can be, not for him, but for me!!

I get it now! I won't be much good for anyone if I'm not good to myself. I am so proud that I faced my fears and went to see him. I feel wiser, stronger, and better than I have ever felt. It really was an amazing weekend, argument and all.

So shit, I didn't just pass my test...I got an A+ with a gold star on a yellow Success Card!

NFL Week 2 Picks

I'm leaving for Chicago tomorrow night (WOOHOO!) so here are my early picks. I feel pretty good about them, just as long as none of the star players get arrested for dogfights, cockfights, bullfights or child pornography before Sunday.

Sunday, September 16

ATL @ JAC: Jaguars
BUF @ PIT: Steelers
CIN @ CLE: Bengals
DAL @ MIA: Cowboys
HOU @ CAR: Panthers
IND @ TEN: Colts
KC @ CHI: Bears
MIN @ DET: Vikings, although I'm not too sure about it.
NO @ TB: Saints
OAK @ DEN: Broncos (Sorry Dad.)
SEA @ ARI: Seahawks
SF @ STL: Rams

GB @ NYG: Giants. This matchup is the reason I'm going to Chicago. Fish's a cheesehead so I thought it would be cool to watch the game together. I'm picking NY because the Eagles looked like shit last week, so I think the Packers win was a fluke. Smack talk starting already...

NYJ @ BAL: Ravens. Is it "the best defense is offense" or "the best offense is defense"? Either way, where the fuck was NY's offensive line last week?

SD @ NE: Patriot Assholes. NE cheating is like a chick with double D's stuffing her bra. What's the point?

Monday, September 17

WAS @ PHI: Iggles

NFL Week 1 Recap

Week 1 is over and I'm 11-5. I might suck at this. Highlights:

1. The Patriots are a fucking powerhouse. Brady looked good and since he doesn't have enough star rushers/receivers (sarcasm), they just HAD to sign Randy Moss who had 9 catches for 183 yards (TOMMY!) in his first start with NE. Damn you Belichick, you shabby genius!

2. I can't believe the Packers won. Good for Favrererer.

3. Bears/Chargers game ended up being on FOX. LT is insane. He scored a TD and threw a TD pass. Awesome.

4. It's awful what happened to Kevin Everett. I know that's the chance players take, but jesus, it's scary and such a shame.

5. Why am I both a Jets AND a Giants fan? Oh that's right, I'm a masochist with low self-esteem that grew up in the Tri-State area.

It was not a fun day for NY fans. Chad's hurt, Eli's hurt...my stomach hurts just thinking about this season. Oy vey.

Random Diary Entry: May 5, 1986

In 2nd grade my teacher had us write in our Daily Diary. I found it the other day, so here is a glimpse into my mind at the ripe young age of 8. Nothing's really changed 22 years later.

Today is Monday, May 5, 1986. Today is the 146 day of school. I would like to tell you about Saturday and today. Saturday morning my mother had to go to work. So she did. It was elven fourty-five, so my father took a nap. My brother was hungry when it was twelve zero five. Then he went into the refridgearator. He took out the potato chips. I only took two. When he put them away he saw that I changed the channel on the televisoin. Then he smacked me. I said that he was a doodoo brain. He said my breath smells like a chicken. When he turned around I kicked him. Then he started punching my cast. [Ed note: I had broken my arm.] It did not hurt me, it hurt him. Do you know what I did? I took him by his foot and pulled him into our room. I took one of his toys and I was going to hit him, but when he was about to yell to my father, I put the toy down. He was going to say that there was someone trying to kill him. He was going to say that to my father. I had fun.

The best part about the diary is that most of my entries end with "I had fun." or "It was fun." Silly girl.

Mean Streaks

Face it, we all have one. When I'm feeling mean I rarely act out on it, but man, when I finally do it will. be. GLORIOUS. Here are my go-to meandreams.

When someone is:

1. bending down to tie their shoe, I push them over, point and laugh at them.

2. walking their dog my scenarios vary between grabbing the dog and running or kicking the dog in the face and standing there, waiting to see what the owner would do.

3. taking up the whole sidewalk by walking side by side with someone else, I either clothesline them both or tackle one of them to the ground, with the hopes of cracking their skull on the pavement.

4. walking and then suddenly stops short, I pull out a megaphone and say "THERE'S NOTHING TO SEE HERE. KEEP MOVING."

5. talking really loud on their cell phone I take said phone and shove it down their throat.

This morning I came up with a new meandream. I can't tell if it's funny, dumb, or a sign I've seen the Breakfast Club too many times. I'll share anyways.

Today I kept imagining going up to people and screaming "I'M THRILLED _____!" Examples:

I'M THRILLED you can blow cigarette smoke in my face as I walk by.
I'M THRILLED you walk slower than my dead grandfather.
I'M THRILLED you didn't fucking shower today and smell like spicy eggfarts.
I'M THRILLED you stuck it to the man by blocking the train doors.
I'M THRILLED you think I have a black woman ass Mr. Delivery Guy.

And last but not least, I'M THRILLED that today I hated everyone for no reason.

So that was my day. It ended on a high note though because I finally saw Superbad. Oh my hell, it was fantastic. Go see it as soon as possible.

Siiighhh...I'M THRILLED to go to bed and start fresh tomorrow.

I Love New York!

Last week I was all about New York baseball as I was invited to both a Yanks and a Mets game. Thanks Megkefel and DaQ!

Mariners vs. Yankees, 09/04/07. Yanks won 12-3 and a squirrel warmed our hearts.

Oh, Yankees Stadium. I hadn't been to a game in at least three years. I was a hardcore fan back in the 90s when I guess everyone was. It started wearing off a bit by college with the Subway Series. My best friend and roommate at the time was a huge Mets fan so I became more interested in the underdog rather than the front runner.

But damn do they still have talent. Jeter and A-Rod really are amazing to watch, so I'm glad I went. The stadium? Well now that I've been on the tour it's pretty shitty! And Yankee fans? I hate to say this, but the vibe was shitty too! I think there are two types of Yankee fans, the ones that are baseball fans and the ones that aren't. I like anyone who respects and appreciates the sport, I despise the fans that are mean-spirited Yankee starfuckers.

I must say, while I had a blast with my friends, I think I'm ready to be a full-on Mets fan. Here's why..

Astros vs. Mets, 09/07/07. Mets won 11-3 and DaQ's family warmed MY heart.

We've got heart! (Yes I'm already using "we" statements.) The minute we walked in the stadium was electric, the vibe was all things good, and the fans were positively pumped. Sure there are dickheads in the mix (it's NY after all), but it was such a difference than the Bronx. Maybe it's because I've lived in Queens for over three years or maybe it's because I subconciously chose the Mets long ago. Whatever it is, every game I go to, win or lose, is always a great day of baseball.

New stadiums for both teams? Yay or Nay?

I say "Yay". I'm excited for both teams to get a new home. I'm sure it will suck to get tickets at first, but weeknight games are rarely sold out so I can understand the drop in available seats. Here are some pics of both. I didn't have my camera at the Yankee game, so I had to make do with my camera phone.

Are you ready for some football??

Instead of doing fantasy, I think I'm just going to post my picks each week. I really should get HBO for the season. I love the show Inside the NFL.

WEEK 1

Thursday, September 6
I swear I picked the Colts.

Sunday, September 9
TEN @ JAC: Jaguars
ATL @ MIN: Vikings
PIT @ CLE: Steelers
KC @ HOU: Chiefs
PHI @ GB: Eagles
NE @ NYJ: Sadly, Patriots
DEN @ BUF: Broncos
CAR @ STL: Panthers
MIA @ WAS: Redskins
TB @ SEA: Seahawks
DET @ OAK: Raiders for my dad.
CHI @ SD: I wish I had the NFL Ticket, too. Great game, I pick Chargers.
NYG @ DAL: The NFC East is my favorite division. I hate the fucking Cowboys almost as much as I hate the Patriots. If there's ever a Dallas/New England superbowl, I will boycott and have an Anti-Boobie Bowl party that year. We'll watch Beaches and Steel Magnolias or something.

I'm pissed now. I'll pick the Giants so that if they lose I can be even more angry. AARRRGGHHH!

Monday, September 10
BAL @ CIN: Bengals
ARI @ SF: Niners

Put the camera phone down!

Word to the wise, taking pictures of your own breasts is harder than you'd think.

Yes, I'm sober.

GP

GP was let go today. I feel an incredible amount of guilt for three reasons:

1. GP really is a good person. I wish he would have let people help him out more.

2. My problem with him was definitely not the deciding factor, but most likely a contributing one.

3. Part of me really wanted him to be fired.

I feel awful. I wonder if I'm making myself feel bad so that I won't imagine how he feels.

What did I learn from GP?

1. The importance of good communication (both verbal and non), charisma, loyalty, and personal responsibility.

2. It's okay to be wrong or to just let. it. go.

3. Documentation is a good thing.

4. Silence is golden.


I wish him well.

I'm ready.

I'm ready to write about Fish. It's about fucking time, especially since I'm going to Chicago in 11 days to see him. The interesting part about it is, I have less to say about how I feel about him and more to say about how I feel about myself in regards to him. Does that make sense?

The day Fish and I spent together in San Diego was one of the best days of my life. Why? Because on that day I was my best.

My insecurities, my negative thoughts, my hurt, and my sadness were only parts of me instead of my whole being. I allowed my light to shine through my darkness and it was beautiful.

I was beautiful. I was strong, confident, and at peace. I knew who I was and who I was meant to be. Everything about myself made sense and had a purpose. I was whole and it was wonderful.

Fish did something that no one has ever done before. He made me fall in love with Me.

Best. Day. Ever.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wish I could say the weeks since I began dating myself have been filled with those same positive feelings, but it's been pretty rocky. Honestly, all I want to do is barf.

Every time I think about Me, the chunks rise in our throat, I clench our teeth, and hope to God We don't blow chunks. We're nauseated right now.

What happens if I continues to make Me sick? Am I in a position to pursue Me so that We even have a chance? What happens if Me and I run out of things to say to ourselves? Do I even know Me well enough to be asking these questions?

My family is concerned that both I and Me will get hurt. I don't think it's a possibility considering that for Me to think it, I would know it, so there shouldn't be any surprises. Even so, I have been down that road enough to know We'll eventually be okay. It's the road where things go well that scares the shit out of Me...

I wonders if AAA gives Trip Tix to Good. Me thinks I already know Bad like the back of our hand.

Live from Jackson, New Jersey Conclusion

I'm smashed. If I could type with my forehead, I would. Hmmm....

yhtg6gtfvuhjytgyfredfuhjy

In drunk world the above says, "Yo hot guy. Sex got flavor, UH. Joy to guy. Fred fudge ya."

I'm cracking myself up right now...

Family parties es stupido. Well, not really but when will they stop feeling like a chore? When will I stop wanting to sit at the little kid table? I prefer talking to people under 10 years old. They are fun.

My eyes are rolling in the back of my head. I miss Fish. I miss Delilah. I miss my bed. I drunk.

Do know what's special about this sentence?

"The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dogs."

It uses every letter in the alphabet. It was a clue in an Encyclopedia Brown case.

I'm going to regret publishing this, huh?

Live from Jackson, New Jersey (cont')

11. I signed on to start my draft and for some reason my team The Little Giants, didn't appear. I checked my email and sure enough I got a message from the Commissioner:

I'm really sorry, but I have to remove your team from the fantasy league. It won't let us play with an odd number of teams, and you were the last to join. I feel really bad because I invited you to play. Sorry :-(

Son of a whore! Oh well, I'm too fucked up to concentrate anyways.

12. My cousin Craig has a tattoo of Wile E. Coyote on one asscheek, Road Runner on the other. He's had this for quite a while, at least 10 years. Turns out he got two more. On the side of his hip Wile E. caught up with Road Runner and choked him to death. Below his belly button is Underdog. Yes, Underdog.

13. I can't believe I haven't seen Superbad yet.

14. My contacts have melded to my eyeballs.

Live from Jackson, New Jersey

Labor Day party in full effect. Some tidbits thus far:

1. My mom yelled at me, saying I didn't dry off the chip bowls well enough. "The chips will get fucking soggy! JESUS!" Ahhh...motherly love. I cried a little.

2. I miss Rippie.

3. Apparently Jessica Alba has herpes. My dad heard this on WRAT so it must be true.

4. I poo pooed on a poo poo.

5. I drank four Coronas in three hours.

6. The best way to get on my mom's good side is to wash the dishes.

7. My fantasy football draft starts in 1 hour and 45 minutes. I'm nervous.

8. Mosquitoes still love me!

9. My teenage cousins are cooler than I am.

10. Perversion and sass are genetic.