Monday, September 24

Let it ride.

I'm coming out of a panic attack. My mind is empty, my chest hurts, my arms and hands look separate from my body. I'm watching my fingers type, but I'm not quite sure who's controlling them...

Panic attacks suck. I don't get the "breathe into a paper bag and suffer a heart attack from guilt" kind, I get the hippie "I did too much acid and now either Jesus or Jimi is calling me" kind.

I left work around 6:30pm and walked to 59th and Lex to catch the R train. When I got to Astoria I picked up a couple of things at the grocery store and then ate dinner while watching reruns of ANTM on MTV. Nothing out of the ordinary.

Around 9pm I was feeling weird, so I turned off the television. I started to feel the fog coming over me. In this early stage of an attack I give myself two options, beat it or join it.

I've learned to join it by meditating for however long "it" needs. If I keep myself calm and positive, this can be a very rewarding and cleansing experience.

Tonight was not like that. I actually tried to beat it, which never works out. I jumped off my couch and began pacing around trying to do something normal to keep myself in reality. I closed my bedroom window. I put my dirty clothes in the hamper. I washed dishes. This is when I began to lose it because the only way I could finish them was by doing a play-by-play: "I'm washing a bowl. Now I'm washing a spoon." etc.

In my case, fighting an attack really makes things worse. The anxiety becomes too strong and turns to fear, the fear goes black, and a silent pain takes over.

No matter how used to it I become I always wonder, "Is this the end? Is this the moment I finally lose it and never come back?" All I can do is close my eyes, have a good cry, and wait.

At this point my chest still hurts, but luckily my hands and arms have been reattached. I have some idea what I just wrote...

and it's fucked. I'M fucked, but truthfully I've never been any other way.

I guess I could go back and rewrite this now that I'm back to "normal."

Fuck it. I'm letting it ride.

No comments: