Online dating can suck it.

I am ready to come clean: I stink at online dating. I had a nice little stint there a couple months back, but now I'm feeling a bit self-conscious and a lot discouraged.

The guys that I don't want to chat with are either old, short, orange, misspelled words and/or used text phrases such as "I M GR8, HOW R U" in their About Mes, are surrounded by chicks in their profile pic (why?), or picked the screen name BIG_PUSSY_LOVER.

The guys I am somewhat attracted to say they go to the gym 8 days a week, read lots of books without pictures, and jetset every weekend. This bothers me because I don't even know what a "gym" is anymore, reading bores the shit out of me (there, I've said it!), and I don't have money to travel right now. Oooo...I thought what bothered me was feeling less-than again, but no, I think it's jealousy!! HA! Fuck you and your perfect profile! I like the color blue, that's all I have to say right now!

Then there are the guys that make me want to lick my monitor and hump my keyboard. Shocker: I haven't found one of those online yet. I was going to email this really hot redhead tonight, but I chickened out. He listed himself as "skinny" plus he lives in Hoboken and well, that's just dumb.

So why do I stink at online dating? It's way too easy to give up. I need to meet someone face to face. I also need support, encouragement, confidence, and accountability. In a word, I need a WINGWOMAN.

It's time to get offline and get off live. I am going out at least once a week with the sole purpose of meeting new people (girl or guy) that may lead me to my soulmate (guy, maybe girl if she has a nice rack). I want love, I want passion, I want a best friend, I want companionship, and while I'm at it, I want to be fucked silly during half-time.

I can't do this by myself so if you want to be my wing let's make some plans.

Good-bye, online dating. I'm going out.