I can't stop writing...
Happy Halloween, bitches! Check out Goth Thighs. No one recognized me!
I was SUPER excited for Halloween this year because in 2010 I was sick, 2009 I was with Tat and the night was pretty lame, 2008 I can't even remember...
My plan was to go to my friend Eronica's house for a costume/birthday party in Long Island, but the trains were fucked. I decided to stay home until it was time to meet the gang at Crazy Ass instead. I was indifferent about seeing MDLL. I just wanted to go to my Cheers.
I ended up having a great time. We hung out as friends like nothing happened for the most part. The costumes helped. It didn't seem like I was talking to my bald ex-boyfriend/first adult love when he's wearing a wig of six inch high guido hair. I certainly didn't look like my normal Baby Spice self, either.
At the end of the night, MDLL said he missed me, we hugged then kissed good-bye. The kiss wasn't right. He felt like a stranger.
I'm at the point in the break-up cycle where I'm seeing things clearly for the first time. I gave 100% of myself to him. I don't think MDLL can say the same. Sure we had some great moments and a strong bond, but the relationship was one-sided. As I've written before, there's a difference between effortless and not making an effort. MDLL never made an effort. It was easy because I made it so.
Everyday I feel a bit lighter. I realized last night how much this relationship was weighing me down. I thought about MDLL constantly. I've been waiting for him to break out of his funk, take control of his life, and make himself happy. It finally occurred to me that it's quite possible there is no funk. This is him.
MDLL isn't getting divorced any time soon. He wasn't going to settle down and marry me, either.
It's funny. I'm the one who broke it off yet I feel rejected. If I'm really being honest with myself, I believe MDLL does love me as a friend. There were two problems though. One, our sexual chemistry is awesome. Two, I loved him and wanted more. My guess is he tried to convince himself he wanted/was ready for a serious relationship with me in order to stay close friends.
Or not. Who knows? Part of the heaviness was trying to figure out what he was thinking when, again, it's completely possible he wasn't thinking anything. His thoughts are no longer my concern. It's freeing.
I'm glad I went Saturday night. It validated my decision to let MDLL go. Don't get me wrong, though. I'm really saddened by this and hoped we could have worked things out. Christ, I wanted little MDs and Thighs running around! Gah!
He was a good man and a good friend, just not the boyfriend I want anymore. If someone I loved was going above and beyond for me, you bet your ass I'd reciprocate.
Monday, October 31
I can't stop writing...