Drum roll please...
The trip was awesome! I had SUCH a great time with my family. I don't really feel like writing about the weekend in detail, so here's a rundown:
1. I ate seven tacos
2. We walked the Golden Gate Bridge twice
3. I really enjoyed Alcatraz. It was intense, scary, educational, and thought-provoking.
4. Mass transit in SF is great. The cable cars are a little pricey, but fun. Buy a Muni pass (it's like a Metrocard) to save moola. The BART (subway) is very convenient for traveling to the airport, downtown, and Oakland. It also sounds like a space cruiser!
5. The weather was gorgeous. 80s all weekend with no humidity.
6. I heard SF was an expensive city. It's pretty comparable to NY. The air and smell is not. SF is much nicer!
7. My dad LOVED seeing the Raiders at home, despite their embarrassing loss.
8. My mom was on her best behavior until Sunday night. She went nuts when my dad and brother weren't where they said they'd be. She would NOT let it go. I was really fucking angry about it, then I realized I wasn't letting go of the fact she wasn't letting go and calmed myself down. Sort of. It took a lot out of me to charm the rage snake to sleep.
9. Vesuvio is my new favorite bar.
I can't wait to go back to see the Giants and Athletics!
I'd rather write about MDLL. I missed him a lot this weekend. Over the summer I had planned on inviting him with us if everything was straightened out. Oh well.
I'm sort of over it now. Not over him of course, over our relationship. The first half was rough because he hid the truth about his marital status. The second half was rough because I needed to time to figure out how I felt about his marital status and he didn't make an effort to change it.
The past couple of days I've been trying to see our relationship for what it is without the drama. It's hard. I love him so much and I know he loves me, I just don't know what to do about it. One minute I have a very vivid image of us laying in bed smiling with our toddler son in between us. The next minute we're at the bar watching football as buddies, nothing more. We are such a great match in a lot of ways, but I'm beginning to wonder if the ways we don't match are deal-breakers. I procrastinate stupid shit, like redecorating my bedroom or finishing books. He procrastinates on everything. I would like to be romanced, given flowers and thoughtful gifts. He hasn't treated me to either, even after I told him I'd appreciate those things. We still really only hang out in the neighborhood, but I can't blame him entirely for that as I've been pretty lazy with the date planning. It would be nice if he came up with ideas, though.
I also finally admitted to myself I am really hurt by his inaction. I'd do anything for the kid. It's pretty apparent he wouldn't do anything for me.
But will he one day? It's hard for me to know if this is MDLL or this is his reaction to getting divorced. Is his armor up?
Whatever the case, it's obvious the relationship we've had for the past year is over. If we were besties who liked to fuck, fine. It was awesome, but I want more. If it IS more than that we'll try again with, as he said, a clean slate for 2012.
I may take this back tomorrow, but right now, at this moment, I am glad we are broken up. We both have some thinking to do.
Tuesday, October 25
Drum roll please...