Death

I had a very lovely Christmas with my family this past weekend.  My mom only made me cry once, but that was today so at least the holiday was pleasant.

There were two uncomfortable things that happened, though.  One, I noticed how often we McGees interrupt and talk over one another.  It's horribly rude and sadly, I know I do it, too.  Luckily, most of my friends are the same way.  At least I think they are...oh shit, is that the only way you can get a word in edgewise with me?  SORRY.

Two, we were sitting at the kitchen table and my parents told Rip and I about their plans for the future.  Yada, yada, yada, then my mom mentioned "if one of us dies..." and I brainfarted.

If one of them dies.  Jesus.  Sometimes when I was really mad at them I'd wish they were dead.  That was angsty, mean, asshole shit and I regret it, especially now that they are getting older.  Granted they are still relatively younger than some of my friends' parents, my dad being 61, Mom 58, but still.

My mom's dad died at 62 from a heart attack.  He also had Alzheimer's, but I'm not sure if that has anything to do with dying young.  My other grandparents died over 75.

Excluding Grandpa Crowley, if history is any indicator my parents have about 15-20 years left. I don't like this one bit.

My parents just dropped me off after we visited my aunt and uncle in Long Island.  Once I got upstairs I had this insane urge to write about their death and death in general.  Hopefully this post isn't a jinx.

I'm a believer in the afterlife, spirits, The Larger, and Heaven in the sense that when you die you are somewhere good and peaceful.  I don't really believe in Hell, although I have thought maybe Earth is hell and you just keep coming back until you are a good person. My own personal hell would be an eternity long panic attack I can't get out of. I assume most mentals would agree.  My point is I'm not worried about what happens to them after they die. I can't do anything about it, nor is there any proof as to what actually occurs, so I find comfort in believing the deceased is always with me.  Not when I'm naked, of course.

What's really bothering me is imagining my life without them.  I never thought about it before, probably because I've only felt love and a connection to them in recent years.  Once my mom started talking about their death, my heart sank and my face got sad.  Wait, what?  What do you mean you're going to die?  Worse is, ONE of you might die and then the other has to live life alone?  My parents are retarded for each other, if they die they both have to go at the same time.  They have to, right??

Okay say they do both die. SHIT. I am really, really sad thinking about this.  Thinking how I'll never hear my dad's booming voice, laugh, or awesome "hail a cab NYC whistle" that I can't do.  I won't be able to call my mom and tell her about my day or hear her insane one-liners and weird noises, two quirks I'm extremely happy were passed down to me.  The both of them are silly bozos and I love it. I love them.

I guess this is what I really wanted to write about.  Not death, but life.  My parents' lives are full of love, passion, crazy, pain, laughter, more crazy, fun, everything.  It's not always easy to be around my mom, but I can't imagine not being ABLE to be around her or my dad. Blerg.

I love my parents. I love my brother. I love my family. I love my friends.

Writing this post helped me uncover a self-truth....What I fear most about death is living with a broken heart.

The end.

Apocalypse Wow

Per Wikipedia:

An apocalypse (Ancient Greek: ἀποκάλυψις apocálypsis, from ἀπό and καλύπτω meaning 'un-covering'), translated literally from Greek, is a disclosure of knowledge, hidden from humanity in an era dominated by falsehood and misconception, i.e., a lifting of the veil or revelation, although this sense did not enter English until the 14th century.^[1] In religious contexts it is usually a disclosure of something hidden In the Revelation of John (Greek Ἀποκάλυψις Ἰωάννου, Apocalypsis Ioannou), the last book of the New Testament, the revelation which John receives is that of the ultimate victory of good over evil and the end of the present age, and that is the primary meaning of the term.

I never thought the world was going to end.  It still could today, but I prefer not to think it will.  Instead I like the definition of apocalypse from above.  I also heard it defined as an "uncovering of truths".  Me likey.

Interestingly enough, I did have an experience last night that could have marked hell freezing over, pigs flying, or life as we know it ending.  MDLL surprised the shit out of me.

DISCLAIMER - We are not back together. If we get back together one day it will NOT be until well after his divorce is final.

We are both struggling with this breakup, especially on Sundays.  One of us contacts the other almost every week after the 4pm football games.  We don't say much, although this week we decided to meet Wednesday night for a pre-Christmas drink. 

Beforehand I went out with work friends to celebrate my last day (today!) at the midtown client office.  Naturally I got hammered.  By the time I got to Crazy Ass I was starving and exhausted, so I stayed long enough to inhale a plate of nachos and down three waters.  I actually showed some self-control!! We hugged, said Merry Christmas, and I went home.

About an hour later he texted me saying he's really glad I stopped by.  I wrote something along the lines of me too, this is hard, and I miss my best friend.  I also wrote that it hurts he's not fighting to get me back, but I know it's not his style so I'm trying not to take it personally.  He never responded.

Yesterday was a crazy, but great day.  I went from the midtown client to therapy to Stevie's firm for an awesome meeting, then went home and kept working for a couple of hours.  MDLL's flight to Pittsburgh was in the afternoon, so I figured he had landed when I was done working at 7pm. I imagined him getting off his flight, hugging his dad, then bursting out into tears because he loves me and fucked everything up for no reason. Hey, it's my fantasy!!

I thought this as I was leaving my apartment to buy Rippie a Christmas gift.  When I got downstairs, MDLL was standing there, suitcase in hand.  SHOCKED.  Absolutely shocked.  He's NEVER done anything like this before, never just showed up at my door, never really surprised me romantically with random gifts or appearances. I've imagined coming home from work and him waiting for me on my stairs, but I knew that was never going to happen.

But it did.  Hell is Hoth right now.

It turns out his flight was delayed for a few hours, then he and a bunch of other people missed it because there was no announcement when it finally boarded.  He was livid.  I don't blame him.

On the bus ride home from LGA, he thought of me. His gut said to come to my apartment immediately.  This is crazy because MDLL is not impulsive.  He overthinks things until he's paralyzed, unable to take action. (See divorce.) 

I kept thinking it was a dream.  I thought the Mayans were giving me one last night with him before we were wiped out of existence.  I thought it was one big acid flashback and I imagined the whole thing.  Apparently it was real.

I'm still in shock.  I don't know what to think or feel, so I'm not going to do either for a few days.  My disclaimer holds true - we are NOT getting back together nor our we "faking" a break up but still going to hang out all the time.  We both acknowledge our struggles and sadness are more intense due to the holidays and football (dorks), so we're cutting each other some slack right now.  Instead of beating myself up or over-analyzing what happened, I'm going to remember last night for what it was at face value:

My ex-boyfriend showed a little fight and romantic surprise. Obviously it was too little too late, but I'm going to cherish the moment because he finally went out of his way for me to show he cared.  That's all I ever wanted from him.

Thanks for the Christmas gift, MDLL.

Kids, Guns, Mentals Part 2

My previous post was written before the horrific shooting in Connecticut.

In Therapy Thursday the day before, I discovered my intense longing to meet my daughter Lauren Marie was more about me than her.  I imagined Lauren being everything I wasn't free to be as a child due to my emotional issues, low self-esteem, boob saga, weight problems, and abusive experiences, both verbally from my mom and physically with my cousin.

I pictured Lauren to be more than a free-spirit. She'd be a light, a rainbow, bringing joy to everyone she met.  She'd be creative, wildly artistic, and dress herself in mismatched clothes and tutus.  If she had emotional issues like me, I'd do my best to understand her and get her the help she needed. I'd hug her every night and tell her I love her over and over again, so she never felt alone or unwanted. In other words, I'd make damn sure she didn't have any of the same struggles I had growing up.

I realized this person I wanted to create wasn't my daughter. It was me.  It was my inner child.  I was subconsciously planning to live vicariously through Lauren rather than be the person I want to be or let her be the person she wants to be. For a moment I understood pageant moms.

Once I figured this out, my biological clock stopped ticking so loudly. I'd still like to be a mom one day, but the intense and suffocating urgency I felt the week before is gone.

Friday morning I was ecstatic. I was all ready to write about this with the awesomely gross title of "I'm pregnant with myself!".  Then the whole world went to shit.

My heart breaks for the families, teachers, fellow students, and friends of the victims.  I am disgusted, terrified and absolutely saddened by this horrible tragedy.  I hope they find solace, peace, and closure one day. I am putting all the faith and love I have out into the universe to hopefully ease some of their grief. I am so sorry for their loss.

Having spent the last couple of weeks thinking about motherhood, I now find my thoughts about it scattered and confused.  I cannot imagine being a parent at all right now.  I don't think I can handle the devastating pain of losing a child, the guilt and fear of giving birth to a monster, or worse, nurturing him to be one. 

There are two positive things hopefully coming out of this horrific event, one of them being a spotlight on mental healthcare.  Obviously I love therapy and am familiar with psychology, but many people aren't.  The masses need to understand there are many types of mental illness and need to be able to identify which ones are a danger to society. 

The usual description of a murderer is quiet, withdrawn, and anti-social. Well, that could also describe nerds and gamers.  The important thing to take note of is a person's disposition - Are they violent?  Do they hurt animals?  Do they "turn" like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde?  Society can blame the media all the want, but it seems to me the real problem is when warning signs aren't addressed.  Again this is due to not knowing what the signs are in the first place. Hint - If you're afraid of someone, there's a reason.

The other positive?  Gun control.  Sorry NRA lovers, but this shit is fucking ridiculous. I've shot guns in a controlled environment. It was fun until I realized there is no reason to shoot a gun OTHER THAN TO KILL.  A while ago, probably after Aurora, I had a Facebook conversation with a high school friend.  He explained he owns guns because he lives in an area of South Carolina where help wouldn't reach him in time, should he need it.  I guess I can understand this to a point, but why live in such a secluded area then?  I live in NYC and I feel safer here than I do most other cities.  Maybe I'm living in a bubble, but I sure as hell don't feel the need to carry a gun to feel secure.

I'm starting to think Americans don't actually want to feel safe.  Or maybe its we don't know HOW to feel safe. We've grown accustomed to living in fear because that's what we're told to do.  The bible says to live in fear of God.  The government says to live in fear of terrorists.  Bigots say to live in fear of The Other - blacks, muslims, hispanics, gays, etc.  The media says to live in fear of toilets, plastic, and vitamins. We are a country of pussies when you think about it.  We fear everything we don't understand, which ironically IS everything.

I hope the victims of the four (!??!) mass murders we've had this year did not die in vain.  We need to make some changes in this country if we are going to survive.  Gun control and affordable mental healthcare are on the top of my list. I hope they are on Obama's too.

Peace, Love, Unity, Respect. PLUR.

Kids, Guns, Mentals Part 1

Written Monday, 12/10/12:

For the past few days I've been crushed with sadness by the idea I may run out of time before I get to have a kid.  This stupid fucking article I stupidly fucking read today has kicked me while I was already down.

I know that even if MDLL and I stayed together there was no guarantee we would/could have kids any time soon.  It just seems highly unlikely I'm going to meet someone in the timeframe necessary to date, fall in love, marry, and then put a baby in my belly before I'm 40.

Ironically, I don't actually WANT to be pregnant.  The idea of having something grow inside me other than a big fat deuce freaks me out, as does the toll it takes on the body and mind.  This is why I always figured I'd adopt, because not only am I helping care for a child in need, I also get to keep my current manageable level of crazy and my tiny size 14 ass. I want the baby without the pre-birth work, I guess.

The article is about the negative impact waiting to procreate has on the child's health and society as a whole.  The latter never occurred to me, so I'm still a bit stunned by what I read.  An obvious one is the chance that an older parent will die when the kid is still young.  This seems pretty obvious, however, add in the odds the kid may have developmental issues and now doesn't have parents to help them through life makes this pretty scary too...

You know what, don't read the article. It's fucking horrible, especially if you've recently broken up with your first adult love and are turning 35 in less than three months.

Most people jump to the conclusion that if a woman waits to have children it's because she is focused on her career and determined to "have it all".  Maybe this is true for some, but for me, it had nothing to do with my professional goals.  It has to do with two important things:

1. I was not emotionally and mentally capable of being a mother in my 20s

2. I was SINGLE.  Er, AM single.

I'm sorry, but I don't think there's anything feminazi about wanting to wait until I find love AND feel like I'd be a good mother.  Why aren't these things acknowledged and discussed?

No, instead I'm Diane Keaton before Elizabeth was dumped in her lap in Baby Boom.

I am quite happy to be where I am in life. Sure, there are things I regret, but becoming a single unfit mother is definitely not one of them.

This sucks.

Heart aerobics

Whoever created panic attacks is a dickcunt.  They usually feel like heart attacks, which just makes me panic more!!

All day my heart has been jumping out of my chest.  I thought it was the iced coffee, then I thought it was because I hadn't really eaten (I had a Kind bar at 10am then nothing until 3pm), then I thought I was dying, and now I realize I'm just mental.

Today was another super slow one at the midtown client's office, so per usual I was on Facebook.  I allowed myself to hulk out over some stupid Ben Stein religious/political/moronic rant, to only find out it was bullshit.  That was two hours ago and I still can't seem to get my Irish down!!

GAHAHGHGHAHHAHRAGERAGERAGEBLOODBOILINGIMUSTEATMYFIST

Truthfully I know why I'm so angry. It's misplaced frustration with my family and MDLL.  It's been another hard week of feeling down, so to take a break from the sad, I turned into mad.  This is subconscious of course, but at least I am aware of it when it happens.

I had a really great therapy session last night.  I cried a lot of the pain out, then focused on my disappointment for reverting back to my self-medicated ways of eating, drinking, and charging to excess.  I've mentioned my 20 pound weight gain and my fish-drinking, but I haven't come clean about the extra $5K I charged this year.  I got my $42K debt down to $17K and now it's back up to $22K.  I'm perturbed with myself.

I know I was doing these things because they are my lifelong coping mechanisms, but it bothered me how fast all three came back.  It bothered me until therapy when Cee helped me say this:

"I ran back to the things I'm familiar with because I was in unfamiliar territory."

Unfamiliar territory.  I love this phrase and it totally sums up where I've been for the past year, maybe more.  This is why I cherish therapy - while I can know the reason I do or feel things it takes a special way of hearing myself say it to hit home.

Being in love, being loved, commiting to MDLL, wanting a future with him, balancing the stress the relationship caused with my family and friends. It was all unfamiliar territory.  I ran back to what was familiar because I needed the balance to survive it.  Obviously I reverted back to my bad habits, but there were some positive ones too.  I'm reading more comics, watching more movies, writing in my journal, and enjoying art again.  It's nice to have those things back!

Falling off the wagon is nothing new.  People do it all of the time.  The good news is I am ready to get back on and get my shit in order again!!!

Heart aerobics over!!

Everything else!

Non-lovelife post...

Things are going really well otherwise!!  I'm having a great time hanging with my buds, reading comics, watching movies, exploring NYC, and chillin' out.  AND CHRISTMAS IS COMING!! WOO HOOOO!!

I somewhat begrudingly resigned my lease yesterday.  I had it in my head I wouldn't be living in Delilah next year, so I was a little bummed.  I could have moved to a new apartment on my lonesome, but that would be silly.  I like my place, the location rules, and the price is right.  Not really worth the moving stress, so instead I decided to upgrade my living room furniture! Out with the hand-me-downs and college crap and in with adulthood!

Another reason for not moving is work.  The L.A. client is still on the table for Jan/Feb and now there's another client in Seattle that may hire Biz.  Fingers crossed!  Last week I found out the midtown client I've been at for two years (!!) is not renewing our contract.  It makes sense because there's not much to do at this point, hence the Facebooking and blogging during downtime.  My last day here is the 21st and I am SO glad.  The fun and interesting work I am doing at Stevie's firm (yay!) highlights the fact that I am ready for new opportunities and change.

What else...ah, health.  Yesterday I didn't feel well, like someone poured battery acid into my esophagus and it boiled in my tummy.  I'm guessing it was a gastritis flare up and not gluten related.  It was probably all of the boozing I did since Thursday plus the stressful conversations I had over the weekend.  I ate pretty light, drank a ton of fluids, and popped some Tums.  I feel MUCH better today, but still a little sore.  I have a lot of fun plans coming up, but I definitely need a break from the crazy marathon drinking and 2am spicy chorizo tacos!!

What are my fun plans?  I will tell you:

Tonight - Dinner with Spags, Socks, and Bacon

Tomorrow - Life of Pi with Juniper

Thursday - Therapy!  It is saving me....

Friday - Stevie's Birthday Party!

Saturday - Bring It On the Musical with the crew, I think.  I was supposed to go to my cousin's holiday party in NJ, but I don't want to see my parents and field questions about MDLL. Later on I'll hopefully meet up with Rolo who is in town this weekend. Yay!

Sunday - Visiting Furball in the Boogie Down

Phew. So much fun to be had, but now I need a nap!

Watch your step when exiting the ride.

The public text shaming worked!  I did not contact MDLL at all last week, even when I was shitfaced Thursday through Saturday.  I went to Crazy Ass for happy hour on Friday because he doesn't usually get there until around 11pm.  Juniper made sure we left by 10:30pm so I wouldn't see him. SCORE.

HE called ME last night though.  I miss him a lot and I wanted to hear his voice earlier in the day, but I stopped myself from calling.  I realized I have nothing to say at this point.  It turns out he didn't really have anything to say either.  Somehow we still managed to stay on the line for an hour and a half, neither of us wanting to be the one to say good-bye.  I eventually did and it sucked.

Last Wednesday I talked to my parents for a bit as I left the office. I was having a really rough day and just wanted them to say something nice to me.  My dad did exactly that and I felt much better. Unfortunately when I got out of the subway tunnel a few minutes later there was a SCATHING voicemail from him, basically telling me to get over it and to move on and that this was all my fault.

I didn't speak to my parents until Saturday when my mom reiterated the idea I am to blame.  I'm the one who pushed MDLL to be with me, who ignored all of the red flags, who pursued a man who didn't love me.  It was awful.  She even brought up the time I flew to Chicago to hang out with that guy Fish, even though they advised against it.  She said my heartache is self-inflicted because I have no self-respect. Thanks mom.

Look, I know I am stubborn, thick-headed, dramatic, and over-the-top, but you know what?  For the first time in my life I'm proud I'm these things.  I've certainly reeled it in a lot compared to the shit I pulled in my 20s, hell even shit I pulled two years ago, but this is me.  And I like me.  I really like me.  Yes I should do this and should not say that and blah blah blah...fuck off.  There are very few things I regret in my life and NONE of them are in regards to love.  I've screwed around, I've cried, I've fought, and now I've loved someone more than I thought I ever could love someone.  What point is there to regret any of my past experiences if they all brought me to now?  Yes, now is painful, but I know I need to feel this way to grow.

Let's just say I took everyone's advice about MDLL a year ago.  You know what would have happened?  I would have missed out on all of our happy, fun, and loving moments, on our deep connection, on amazing sex.  I would have missed out on all of the close friendships we made together with the other Crazy Ass barflys.  I still wouldn't know I am a good girlfriend and am capable of having a serious relationship, nor would I have come to the conclusion I am ready for marriage and want to be a mother one day. 

And when would the advice taking stop?  Would I feel the need to follow someone else's advice for my next relationship?  Fuck that.  I am a strong and independent woman, just like my mom always wanted.  I may be a pain in the ass and it's probably hard to watch me fail, but with every failure I am that much closer to success.  I will not apologize for taking life by the balls and living the shit out of it.

That being said, I have learned who I can share certain things with, and let's face it, my parents are not those people.  I know they love and worry about me, but they have no idea how to manage being on the sidelines watching me score or fumble.  I have to figure out the balance between inviting them to games versus only showing them the highlight reels.

Where does this leave everything?  My parents and I will get through it because they are my family and I'm not going to ditch them now.  They are just being dicks at the moment.  MDLL misses me, loves me, and wants to get back together.  I told him it's too late, I've reached my limit.  If we were to ever try again it will have to be a long time from now when the wounds are healed and we are on the same page.  I doubt this will ever happen and I'm not even sure I want it to at this point.

Our relationship never stopped being that roller coaster. I'm ready to get off the ride and find one just as fun and exciting, but less bumpy and painful.  It will be a while before I try another, so here's hoping the park won't close before I get the chance.