Kids, Guns, Mentals Part 1

Written Monday, 12/10/12:

For the past few days I've been crushed with sadness by the idea I may run out of time before I get to have a kid.  This stupid fucking article I stupidly fucking read today has kicked me while I was already down.

I know that even if MDLL and I stayed together there was no guarantee we would/could have kids any time soon.  It just seems highly unlikely I'm going to meet someone in the timeframe necessary to date, fall in love, marry, and then put a baby in my belly before I'm 40.

Ironically, I don't actually WANT to be pregnant.  The idea of having something grow inside me other than a big fat deuce freaks me out, as does the toll it takes on the body and mind.  This is why I always figured I'd adopt, because not only am I helping care for a child in need, I also get to keep my current manageable level of crazy and my tiny size 14 ass. I want the baby without the pre-birth work, I guess.

The article is about the negative impact waiting to procreate has on the child's health and society as a whole.  The latter never occurred to me, so I'm still a bit stunned by what I read.  An obvious one is the chance that an older parent will die when the kid is still young.  This seems pretty obvious, however, add in the odds the kid may have developmental issues and now doesn't have parents to help them through life makes this pretty scary too...

You know what, don't read the article. It's fucking horrible, especially if you've recently broken up with your first adult love and are turning 35 in less than three months.

Most people jump to the conclusion that if a woman waits to have children it's because she is focused on her career and determined to "have it all".  Maybe this is true for some, but for me, it had nothing to do with my professional goals.  It has to do with two important things:

1. I was not emotionally and mentally capable of being a mother in my 20s

2. I was SINGLE.  Er, AM single.

I'm sorry, but I don't think there's anything feminazi about wanting to wait until I find love AND feel like I'd be a good mother.  Why aren't these things acknowledged and discussed?

No, instead I'm Diane Keaton before Elizabeth was dumped in her lap in Baby Boom.

I am quite happy to be where I am in life. Sure, there are things I regret, but becoming a single unfit mother is definitely not one of them.

This sucks.